Is Anybody Out There?

[Pathfinder]

Alright, perhaps this is not the appropriate place, but it's 7:00 on a Saturday night and here I sit, listening to my own heart beat and wishing there was another to hear it besides myself.

I live 50 miles and a world away from the nearest major city in my state. I've tried numerous internet social networking sites in attempts to meet friends, but they all require payment for anything more than a search of who may be available and currently I'm unemployed and watching every penny... I can't afford to spend what little money I have on some service that may never pan out... There must be some way of meeting people who are real, not just usernames on some website...

My last relationship ended nearly 5 years ago and although I dated a woman for a while, the distance between us, both geographically and emotionally, was too great to overcome and it ended three years ago after a year's investment of time and effort (mostly on my part). I have absolutely no close friends here, even though this is the town in which I grew up and went to school... Having lived across the southeast over the last 30 years, I lost touch with most of these people and those with whom I was close are no longer living here. I have one cousin who's gay, but she sometimes still treats me like a kid. (There's 6 years difference in our ages; she's older) Besides, she has her own friends and routines and I get the feeling she doesn't feel comfortable around me at times... I don't know.

I'm lost and feel like I'm drowning. All attempts I've made to seek out new friends seems to have failed and I'm not sure it's worth trying any more... I now live only because there would be no one to care for my 4 cats if something happened to me...

The only person I can talk to about this is my brother, who lives three hours away, but he has a life of his own, a wife, a son, and another child on the way. He tries to be understanding, but he can do nothing about it. My parents live only 3 miles away, but I can't talk to them because although I'm sure they know I'm gay, we've never discussed it and I have the feeling that's the way they would prefer it since talking about it would somehow make it real to them. My best friend lives more than 500 miles away and her solution is to enroll in a course of study in which she's been involved for nearly 15 years, but it's costly and frankly rather cultish in its beliefs.

I can't really be "out" because to do so would destroy what I've worked for over the past three years by returning to graduate school to change careers. Now that I've completed my graduate work and am pursuing employment in my chosen field; a field everyone told me for years I should be in, I have to be especially careful regarding who knows what about me. In these parts, people still believe that being gay is a mental illness, an abomination, even as many of the guys around here fantasize about two women together...

So, here I am...I'm lonely and with the exception of the 4 cats, am alone. Perhaps I'll feel better in the morning; perhaps not. I continue to hope, but the threads holding my quilt of hope together are becoming worn significantly in places. I don't know when it will come apart at its seams, but eventually it will, if something doesn't happen... So, is there anybody out there???

[Daniel]

Hi Pathfinder,

My heart does out to you. It's hard to be alone, working hard to achieve your chosen goals and feeling isolated.

I don't know about websites to meet people, but if you are to meet someone, aren't you going to have to risk something at some point? I know this is hard to hear, but your isolation, at this point, sounds somewhat self-imposed. Yes. Joining a site may not work out. But the fact is, to win the lottery, you have to put down a buck or two. That's just the way it is. Sounds like you have been investing in your future professionally speaking, but haven't done with in terms of relationship. I am not trying to criticize you here, just trying to encourage you to move past your fears.

There are umpteem reasons why you shouldn't do such and such. But sometimes we have to do things anyway. Sometimes, in order to really live, we have to take risks. Calculated risks perhaps, but risks nevertheless.

Wishing you all good things,

Daniel

[KathyB]

This may help....have you ever heard of Jason and deMarco? They have a ShowTime documentary called 'We're All Angels'. You can find it on Netflix, at Blockbuster and I think it's scheduled to air on Logo in February.

If you log onto www.jasonanddemarco.com they have Street Team, Spirit Pop and the Angel Club. The Angel Club has a membership fee but Street Team and Spirit Pop are free. I promise you will find a great group of people who treat each other like friends and family. (Including me :))

About Jason & deMarco....they are a fabulous pop duo who are Christian and were married in 2008, in California. They share their stories of coming out and their incredible journey that led them to each other. Their main focus is reaching GLBT youth and young adults and helping prevent teen suicide. And there is soo much more about them that will help you see things differently and put everything in a whole new perspective. They are down to earth and a lot fun. They've been on the cover of The Advocate and in People Magazine and you can see them on YouTube. PLEASE check out their website.....I know you will be glad you did!!

Hopefully I'll see you join Street Team....it's a lot of fun. I'll contact you right away when you do.

Also, you can go to www.welcomingresources.net (I think that's it) and there you will find a list of affirming churches. There are more than you think in NC.

Hang in there, you will be ok! I know this because I'm struggling to come out of a dark place and I've isolated myself for a long time. In fact, it's my friend Brian, whom I met through Street Team, that has helped me the most. I tell him he's the best friend I've never met. :)

Talk to you again soon,
Kathy

[Pablo Rafael]

Hello Pathfinder,

First off, let me just say it is good to hear from you again. It has been quite a long time. :wave:

I am the last person who should be giving advice on how to find friends. I seem to be one who ends up alone a lot. I should be more outgoing, I know.

I should have logged on here last night. I was by myself feeling a little lonely. We could have played a game of online Yatzee or something.

The place that I connect with people most intensely is at church. I have always found that to be the place that I find friends. Being a musician I automatically make close connections with the other musicians.

My boyfriend lives in South Carolina just five miles from the NC border near Hendersonville. (Are you over in the western part of the state.) He also complains about the homophobic attitude in the area. But despite the attitude, he is "out" and has had no real problem with it. He is very active in his Episcopal church, and although it is not a terribly gay-friendly congregation, he is supported and welcomed. Do you have a church home?

Peterson Toscano is going to be in Asheville doing some workshops and a performance. I think it is this week. If you are close by, you could stop in and maybe meet some people at that. He has a website with the schedule.

I also find friends in our community theater group, the Creede Community Players. You have probably heard of us.... you haven't? ...Maybe we are not as well know in the east. :confused:

Are you really certain that being "out" would be such a problem? When I came out, I braced for a lot of hostility and found that there was essentially none. Most people didn't care, and most people already suspected it anyhow. It is very liberating to be out of the closet. That hiding things away takes a lot of energy.

Now no matter how far you are from a major city, I am afraid that I have you beat. Our town has a cozy 377 people, and I am 75 miles away from the "city" which is Alamosa, population 7000. Our nearest "big" cities are Pueblo and Santa Fe both about 200 miles away. Such is the way of things in the rural west.

BTW: I also am a fan of Jason and deMarco.

Well, I said I was one who was not good at giving advice, and here I am telling you all manner of things to do. If I keep going on, who knows what I will tell you. It is probably best that I stop. :D

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[Gennee]

Hi Pathfinder and welcome.

Gennee


:wave::love:

[antiochian]

Pathfinder, this is coming few days late, but for what it's worth... I remember a time when I didn't have LGBT friends, at least not ones I felt close to. During my self-loathing stage, I pushed one or two or them away, one who I felt I loved but that darn fear held me back! I'd say get involved in your nearest LGBT center. Even if it's 50 miles away, maybe try to go once a month or every couple of weeks if you can. That's how I met some of the good friends I have today. I've made some friends online, but as you said, they aren't people you can usually talk to in person. The internet remains impersonal to a large extent (although I think Soulforce is overall quite friendly, and there are people here I'm sure you could talk to if you needed to).

Even in a city of about 150,000, I feel lonely at times. I don't always feel I "fit in" with the gay community, and certainly not at the bars. However, being active at our local LGBT center has helped me grow much in recent years, and has made me feel less isolated. Hopefully, there's such a resource not terribly far away that you can check out. I've also made some good friends at work who know I'm gay. If you are religious, your house of worship is another possible resource. People who care are out there. And they are here, too.