Spiritual Confusion

[Unmasked]

I recently found out that there's a category for spiritual confusion in the DSM-IV. I think it was put there for people like me. I've never been able to hold on to a consistent set of beliefs for a long time, and in the back of my mind it's always bothered me a little. Right now I'm not sure what I believe. I believe in a higher power, but I don't know if that power has the will or the power to influence our lives in big ways. I believe that Jesus lived and that his teachings have the power to change lives and maybe even the world. I don't believe in the virgin birth, I don't believe in the Trinity or that Jesus was God any more so than myself.

I belong to a Welcoming and Affirming UCC in town, which has given me great joy, and a place to belong. That's something I never really felt in the Church of Christ.

Spiritually I have jumped all over the board, going from conservative Christianity to Wicca, Apathy, Deism, Pantheism, and now just utter confusion. I would like very much to believe in the deity of Christ and the bodily resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth, but I can't, because I don't. This has been a source of stress for me, because I have been struggling with the question of how deal with my arbitrary skepticism when it comes to the supernatural. Though I accept the idea of gods and angels, I can't see my way to a few miracles or strange occurrences.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for by posting this, or how coherent it is, but I felt the need to tell somebody a little of what's been going on in my head.

Thanks for listening. Now I need to get to bed. I have church in about five hours, and I'll go crazy if I'm allowed to think for another minute.

[celestial_rain]

As a Christian, I guess I'm expected to tell you that Jesus Christ is Lord and all that stuff, which I truly believe to be true. But I have found through my own trial and error that you need to find the religion that you actually feel connected to. I do not believe you will be condemned just because of your skepticism. I have had many experiences with people trying to force religion on me, and it always made me want to turn away from that religion; it was not until I had the comfort and knowledge that I would be supported in any choice that I was able to truly settle into my Christianity. This is what I hope to provide for you, you are loved and supported by me (and I believe many other people here on soulforce). You will not be told you are wrong because you are struggling with figuring out your religion, it is a struggle many people have gone through.

I hope you find your way, I will be praying for you.:pray::love:

[bnmoore]

If you've ever felt the presence of Holy Spirit was it an inside out experience? Could it have been there all along as you? What was it that fanned the flames of your Divine Spark? Sometimes it's helpful to stop thinking and be still and know. Find a dog somewhere. They can bring you into "Now".That's where they live.

[Daniel]

Spiritually I have jumped all over the board, going from conservative Christianity to Wicca, Apathy, Deism, Pantheism, and now just utter confusion. I would like very much to believe in the deity of Christ and the bodily resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth, but I can't, because I don't. This has been a source of stress for me, because I have been struggling with the question of how deal with my arbitrary skepticism when it comes to the supernatural. Though I accept the idea of gods and angels, I can't see my way to a few miracles or strange occurrences.


Let me ask you a question.

Why do you think you should believe in the resurrection et al? Where is that voice coming from?

If I were you, I would start viewing your skepticism as a tool with which to develop further into a deep inquiry about life, love and all that is. Sustained concentration on what IS- rather than what you think should be- will take you somewhere. You might end up with certain beliefs. And then again, you might not. However, whatever you are left with will be based on your experience- thought process and investigation.

In addition, how about thinking about beliefs as a container? The vessel that holds water is not the water. Sure. One can argue about whether there is water or not (ie God), but it is just this sort of inquiry- where the metaphors start to break down- that real thinking with both sides of the brain starts.

Beliefs are just window dressing!

That's what I think anyway.

[Rick336]

Let me ask you a question.


If I were you, I would start viewing your skepticism as a tool with which to develop further into a deep inquiry about life, love and all that is. Sustained concentration on what IS- rather than what you think should be- will take you somewhere. You might end up with certain beliefs. And then again, you might not. However, whatever you are left with will be based on your experience- thought process and investigation.

Great advice.


Rick

[Rick336]

While you're wondering why you're here and what your purpose is, don't forget to enjoy the moment. Stop and smell the roses.

Enjoy the general splendor of the world. Go out outside tonight and look up at the billions of stars in the Milky Way. Pick out a star and stare at it. Think of the amazing fact that even though that star is hundreds of trillions of miles away, there is nothing but empty space between the surface of that star and the surface of your eyes.

Savor the sound of beautiful music, the taste of a juicy apple, the sound of a happy child, the sight of cloudless sky, the excitement of a wrapped present, the warmth of a glowing fire, the feel of a summer breeze.

Soak it all in. Life is way shorter than you think.


Rick

[Unmasked]

Thanks for that reminder Rick. I do have a tendency to worry too much about things, and I'm not sure why.

I was taught all my life that the conservative popular theology is correct, and I've always felt drawn to the divine and the metaphysical. I also believe strongly in the teachings of Jesus. For me it's hard to figure out how to connect with the divine outside of Christianity, and I have a hard time with Christianity outside the creeds that I'm expected to believe. I've always wanted a path to follow, a group to belong to. Cutting your own path is scary. It's comforting to walk in the footsteps of another and to imagine that they saw and felt and did the same things you're doing now.

I don't believe in Hell, and even when I did I always assumed that God wasn't so petty as to condemn people for belief or disbelief, but rather our actions should be the criteria by which we are judged, and yet I still find frustration in my lack of belief, because I don't know how to operate without that belief. My beliefs shift so much that I can't define them, which confuses me, and it confuses others. I want to be understood by others, but I don't understand myself, and that bothers me.

[Daniel]

Thanks for that reminder Rick. I do have a tendency to worry too much about things, and I'm not sure why.

I was taught all my life that the conservative popular theology is correct, and I've always felt drawn to the divine and the metaphysical. I also believe strongly in the teachings of Jesus. For me it's hard to figure out how to connect with the divine outside of Christianity, and I have a hard time with Christianity outside the creeds that I'm expected to believe. I've always wanted a path to follow, a group to belong to. Cutting your own path is scary. It's comforting to walk in the footsteps of another and to imagine that they saw and felt and did the same things you're doing now.

I don't believe in Hell, and even when I did I always assumed that God wasn't so petty as to condemn people for belief or disbelief, but rather our actions should be the criteria by which we are judged, and yet I still find frustration in my lack of belief, because I don't know how to operate without that belief. My beliefs shift so much that I can't define them, which confuses me, and it confuses others. I want to be understood by others, but I don't understand myself, and that bothers me.

Cutting your own path is scary. But I would like to remind you that the mere fact of being gay takes most of us out of the "I think I'll just other people decide things for me" modus operandus.

I hear you saying you were brought up to believe one thing, but your experience is telling you something else, and you are uncomfortable with that.

Ok then. How about being comfortable with being uncomfortable? That may sound like a mind-game, but I think you could get some mileage out of this.

What do I say this? Because you seem to be asking a lot of yourself.

Here's what I've learned- take it or leave it as you like.

We can only be where we are. I think you are getting waaaaay ahead of yourself by asking yourself to believe certain things.

However, you do know one thing. Right here. Right now.

You already know that you worry about things. You say you don't know why. And frankly, that doesn't wash. If you start keeping mental note of what happens when you start fussing about things, you will start to see a commonality. Worrying doesn't come out of no-where. It has a trigger. And behind the trigger- most likely- is a fear.

What I hear you saying is that you want to belong. You want to feel safe.

Thing is: why don't you feel safe? Why do you feel alone?

Get to the root of these things and you will find your gold. And perhaps your faith. Faith in yourself for one thing.

[antiochian]

"All who wander are not lost." I love that saying, though I don't know its origin. You're not alone. I've switched churches several times, and now religions. To some, I may seem rootless, isolated, lost... To me, it's like a treasure hunt. And if one path leads you to an outhouse or a snake pit instead of the pot of gold, what do you do? Try another path!!

Is cutting your own path a bad thing? Think of it. Most every modern religion started with one person. One person who cut their own, unorthodox path.

I think Rick's advice was meant for me, too. I get too worried about having all the answers, or making sense out of things that seem senseless, like earthquakes, cancer, poverty, and death. Those things are very real and pressing issues, but how many sunrises have I ignored while trying to figure out how many angels could dance on the end of a pin, so to speak? What happens when we bite the big bazooka is anyone's guess, but why not enjoy the time we have?

[merlin2921]

I can't necessarily speak directly to your struggle, since I don't know you or the roots of your difficulty. I can only share my own story and hope it helps. :)

I was a Christian all my life, and was about a year or two away from actually being a pastor when I finally had to accept that I was a lesbian. (Long story.) Needless to say, I wound up having to reevaluate much of what I thought in the process. At first I was devastated, since I thought I had just given in to a horrible and unforgivable sin.

But then I started thinking about all the women I've been in love with (unrequited and, in most cases, unrecognized by myself at the time) and trying to see the sin in those relationships. I realized that the love I felt for them drove me to new heights of unselfishness with them. I put their needs ahead of my own. I thought they were beautiful. I forgave them more easily, tried to understand them more, and paid more attention to what they liked and didn't like. The love I had for them made me into a better, stronger, more unselfish human being. How could this be wrong? And I decided that it wasn't, since all its fruit (a Biblical concept basically meaning results) in me was good.

So I decided I wasn't a Christian anymore, in the sense that I wasn't able to just fall back on accepted doctrines about things. I started to decide what I really believed, instead of letting it be dictated to me. I believe in love. I believe in beauty. I believe in treating other human beings, whoever and whatever they are, with respect and tolerance, despite when it might damage my pride. I believe in being kind and compassionate. I also believe in standing up for myself when other humans treat me with disrespect, without being disrespectful in return. These are just a few examples.

I think it's more useful to think things through from the direction of "What do I believe?" rather than "What SHOULD I believe?" I no longer go shopping from faith to faith, hoping someone else's system will fulfill what I need. (That may happen one day. I'd like to be able to identify with another spiritual group.) For now, I'm just interested in being really honest with myself and with other people about what I really think.

Why do you feel the need to put yourself under someone else's system? I think exploring that question would probably do you more good than continuing to shop around. But that's just my two cents. Feel free toss them if they aren't helpful to you.

Blessings, and good luck in your quest. *hugs*

[Unmasked]

Thanks guys, I let things bother me more than they should. As for being under a system, I feel the need not only to belong to a group of people, but to feel subordinate. I want somebody above me. I want an authority to look to that can answer my questions, and who will look at me and tell me that I am good.

I had more thoughts, I swear, but they've all scattered. Thanks for all the input though everybody.

[Daniel]

Thanks guys, I let things bother me more than they should. As for being under a system, I feel the need not only to belong to a group of people, but to feel subordinate. I want somebody above me. I want an authority to look to that can answer my questions, and who will look at me and tell me that I am good.

I had more thoughts, I swear, but they've all scattered. Thanks for all the input though everybody.

A father/mother figure? 'Cause that sounds like what you are taking about. Someone to tell you everything is going to turn out Ok, and if you believe such and such then such and such will happen.

Does life really work that way?

It's a different religion than the one you may be looking for, but the Buddha (we're talkin' Buddhism here) is reported to have said to his disciples shortly before his death: "You must rely on yourself."

If you live long enough, you will find that the persons who you want to dominate you (that's what being insubordinate means) will let you down, die or betray you- one way or another. And what are you doing to do then? What are you going to do when someone looks to you for answers? After all, you aren't going to be a kid forever.

Does this mean we should trust no one? Of course not. Relying on ourselves means learning to stand in our own shoes with confidence.

Here's your assignment.

Stand in front of the mirror and say...

I AM GOOD!

Do it until you are bored stupid and grinning like a madman.

BE THE CHANGE YOU SEEK!