Smothering in relationships? Advice

[Legendary]

My boyfriend and I are the closest ever we have been together for almost a year and we were each other everyday almost all the time during school (we were roommates). We have truly developed a strong bond. I've been on break for a week and some days now and haven't seen him but talk to hum everyday. There has NEVER been a day that I haven't talked to him since we started dating. Sometimes I feel like we're smothering each other. But when I told him that, he was offended. I still love him the same. And I want to see him outside of school. I really want to take a break but at the same time I always find myself missing him and wanting to talk to him. I have a feeling that I may pay for this later if I continue this. I also feel that since I think about him so much I lose track of what I need t do as an individual (work on scholarships, applying for jobs, etc). I thinking I'm losing my individually because every moment I'm thinking about him or wanting to talk to him. Even in church when I want to concentrate in GOD I end up always thinking about him. Any advice?

[stav]

hey there,

nice to meet you - sounds like you and this person are really good together.

I wouldn't worry about feeling cloistered sometimes, and would encourage you not to feel guilt about wanting some solitude, or some time, without him, and with your friends.

That's healthy and normal. Our partners do our heads in, from time to time, and sometimes, we just want to do our own thing with our own friends. You know what they say: 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'.

When we first meet someone, it is really normal to spend most of our time with them. Because, it is an *anxious* time - and one where the bond is forming, and where the certainty 'is this person here for me' is not consolidated. We are also usually in 'fog' land, where we do not yet fully know this new person in our lives and where we are learning about them - warts and all. We are learning about their warts.

As we find our feet in the relationship, *if all goes well*, the anxiety and uncertainty usually wain (that's when we feel in our heart that they are 'there' for us, really, truly). At that time - often about 12 months to 24 months on - we start to consolidate the bond. The relationship moves towards being a 'safe base', and a place from which to branch out and re-engage the world. We step away from the total saturated place of 'just me and my partner'. We move back into the world.

The thing is - you said your bf was offended. That may be because you have found your feet and found safety in the relationship just a little bit more quickly than him. It rarely happens that the two people find 'safe base' at the same pace.

So - the bond goes from 'uncertainty' to 'safe base' to 'consolidated' and it takes a good two or three years to get to cosolidated. It's a wonderful journey into commitment, and it's the commitment that glues it all together. It holds the bond from breaking during times of stress and conflict.

But - you can expect him to claim space away from the relationship as well, when he is ready. That might stir feelings like relief and also some anxiety in you at that time!

The best thing I can recommended is to remember that intimacy is a dance. Sometimes we want them more than they us, sometimes the other way around. As the relationship matures, you learn to smile and accept the shifts in need and in the different faces of the relationship.

Hope this helps,

my kind regards
stav