Legendary
05-13-2010, 12:36 PM
Part I
Being in a relationship for 10 months that was founded on sex, its hard for me to depict what am I feeling. My lover and I first began as friends or associates( in a college setting). After telling him that I liked guys he began to ask me all these question about my past relationships and sex. He seemed very interested in it and he himself identified as heterosexual, which was interesting.I have to admit that I found him very attractive in the beginning (and I still do). After getting to know him my feeling began to grow even more for him. I so desperately wanted to be in a relationship with him as well as have sex with him.
I assumed him to be homosexual however when I asked confronted him about it he said he wasn't. When he told me that my feelings for him began to change and I didn't find him as attractive as I did. Even though he told me what he was I still went to his room every night to have random and fun conversations from serious things like our lives to fun topics like comic books and who would win in a fight between Superman and a Jedi.(He's a Star Wars fan, I LOVE Superman). After a week and some days I found him to be a really cool friend and easy person to talk too. Things began to change when we would often get on the subject of my past relationships and he the sex with other guys. He would always want me to go into detail.
This confused because I never knew a straight dude that would do this. Still I didn't judge his sexuality like I did before. After a few weeks of getting to know one another he eventually told me that he was curious to try it (in so many words), in which that lead to our first kiss. He was so nervous that he was shaking. I remember that it was an amazing experience for me. Later that night I went into his room and feeling VERY confused. Eventually we talked for a bit and it led to us having sex for the first time. After that day sex seemed to be a regular routine for us. However it wasn't just a simple do it and go ( after we were done many times we would both feel guilty about it). It seemed at the same time it brought us closer together( even though at that time we were not together). We would still have our talks but this time they would be about deeper more personal topics too.
Eventually I decided to roomed with him. Since I was his first guy crush he was still adjusting to it and still is today. We always walked to class together, sat by one another. Kept getting closer and closer everyday. After the summer semester we were really good friends. We talked everyday during the break and when fall started we roomed together. This is when things began to evolve even more.
Part II
When the summer semester began we became even closer than before. We both agree that it seemed like we were together but wasn't. During the beginning of the semester I slipped (cheated). One was with a friend whom I met over the summer and I had a liking for and so did he. I just didn't act on my feelings and ran from situations that would feel awkward. But when i went to his apartment during the fall it happened. Almost immediately I locked it away in the back of my mind as if it never happened. Time passed and me and Mike became even closer. Until I cheated again. This time I told him what happened because my feelings were far stronger than they were before. Till this day he is still hurting from it. It took a month plus more to get at least close to normal again. It was also during this time (as it had been for a time even before we met) that I had a strong liking to pornography. At first it didn't bother him, he would often want to watch it with me. But when he felt it began to replace him it became a problem.
Through out the year we had so much fun together, there would be days when we would stay in bed with one another for the entire day watching movies, and holding and taking care of one another when we were sick. (At the same time sex was still frequent) It was until January of 2010 that we made it official. (Very exciting). During one of our conversations we decided to spill any secrets that we had (this is the next year 2010.) I thought that I had told him everything but then I remembered the experience I locked away so long ago. When I told him it broke his heart. Mainly because the guy was also eventually became a friend of his too. When I told he was very hurt and overtime we became ok and our friend came out to my lover but doesnt know that he knows about what we did.( My friend who is very masculine is a very cool guy and didnt know of me and my lovers closeness at the time.) My lover in time came out to him. Tell our friend that we were together and that I was the only guy he liked, and ever had feeling like this before.
That brought is three closer together. When my lovers Birthday came around I surprised him with a dozen roses and a cheesecake (mmmmmm :) ). He said that it a bit much because he was still getting use to being with a guy but he still loved it. After a while naturally my liking to porn began to fade but I still had outbursts. Today we are on a very long break (summer break)I promised him that I would work on it which I am doing very well at by far. And even though I do find other guys attractive, I wouldn't cheat again. The last time I saw him in person (we have been talking everyday since last fall. I mean EVERYDAY lol.. I love it) was when i wen over his house it felt so good to see him again. We had sex, when out to eat, and chilled for a bit. Today as well as before I tell my lover that I'm not used to being in a relationship like this. My past relationships were Long distance and problems always occurred and was VERY stressful for me.
I guess my question is What is it that I feeling. It''s hard to tell. I feel that i would do anything for him but at the same time I think about him sexually which makes it seems I'm always lusting after him. I've never been so determined to change for someone. But still some days I wake up and say do I really love him while others I REALLY love him. Maybe its because I have low self esteem myself idk...after all I've been sexually active since a very young age and have come a long ways. I don't what to do. I'm confused. How do I truly know what I'm feeling is true love. Our relationship was founded on sex, but grew grew into something beautiful. Is that normal? I've told my lover my most darkest secrets and he still accepts me. I dont know why I tell him things my I feel safe around him. he comforts my soul. but sometime...I feel I dont want to be with him....but i always run back to him. We seem like the same person almost. I can be myself around him more that anyone else...and I LOVE it. We know each other so well. But the sex, and wanting it , and porn, being attracted to others, its all confusing.
Being in a relationship for 10 months that was founded on sex, its hard for me to depict what am I feeling. My lover and I first began as friends or associates( in a college setting). After telling him that I liked guys he began to ask me all these question about my past relationships and sex. He seemed very interested in it and he himself identified as heterosexual, which was interesting.I have to admit that I found him very attractive in the beginning (and I still do). After getting to know him my feeling began to grow even more for him. I so desperately wanted to be in a relationship with him as well as have sex with him.
I assumed him to be homosexual however when I asked confronted him about it he said he wasn't. When he told me that my feelings for him began to change and I didn't find him as attractive as I did. Even though he told me what he was I still went to his room every night to have random and fun conversations from serious things like our lives to fun topics like comic books and who would win in a fight between Superman and a Jedi.(He's a Star Wars fan, I LOVE Superman). After a week and some days I found him to be a really cool friend and easy person to talk too. Things began to change when we would often get on the subject of my past relationships and he the sex with other guys. He would always want me to go into detail.
This confused because I never knew a straight dude that would do this. Still I didn't judge his sexuality like I did before. After a few weeks of getting to know one another he eventually told me that he was curious to try it (in so many words), in which that lead to our first kiss. He was so nervous that he was shaking. I remember that it was an amazing experience for me. Later that night I went into his room and feeling VERY confused. Eventually we talked for a bit and it led to us having sex for the first time. After that day sex seemed to be a regular routine for us. However it wasn't just a simple do it and go ( after we were done many times we would both feel guilty about it). It seemed at the same time it brought us closer together( even though at that time we were not together). We would still have our talks but this time they would be about deeper more personal topics too.
Eventually I decided to roomed with him. Since I was his first guy crush he was still adjusting to it and still is today. We always walked to class together, sat by one another. Kept getting closer and closer everyday. After the summer semester we were really good friends. We talked everyday during the break and when fall started we roomed together. This is when things began to evolve even more.
Part II
When the summer semester began we became even closer than before. We both agree that it seemed like we were together but wasn't. During the beginning of the semester I slipped (cheated). One was with a friend whom I met over the summer and I had a liking for and so did he. I just didn't act on my feelings and ran from situations that would feel awkward. But when i went to his apartment during the fall it happened. Almost immediately I locked it away in the back of my mind as if it never happened. Time passed and me and Mike became even closer. Until I cheated again. This time I told him what happened because my feelings were far stronger than they were before. Till this day he is still hurting from it. It took a month plus more to get at least close to normal again. It was also during this time (as it had been for a time even before we met) that I had a strong liking to pornography. At first it didn't bother him, he would often want to watch it with me. But when he felt it began to replace him it became a problem.
Through out the year we had so much fun together, there would be days when we would stay in bed with one another for the entire day watching movies, and holding and taking care of one another when we were sick. (At the same time sex was still frequent) It was until January of 2010 that we made it official. (Very exciting). During one of our conversations we decided to spill any secrets that we had (this is the next year 2010.) I thought that I had told him everything but then I remembered the experience I locked away so long ago. When I told him it broke his heart. Mainly because the guy was also eventually became a friend of his too. When I told he was very hurt and overtime we became ok and our friend came out to my lover but doesnt know that he knows about what we did.( My friend who is very masculine is a very cool guy and didnt know of me and my lovers closeness at the time.) My lover in time came out to him. Tell our friend that we were together and that I was the only guy he liked, and ever had feeling like this before.
That brought is three closer together. When my lovers Birthday came around I surprised him with a dozen roses and a cheesecake (mmmmmm :) ). He said that it a bit much because he was still getting use to being with a guy but he still loved it. After a while naturally my liking to porn began to fade but I still had outbursts. Today we are on a very long break (summer break)I promised him that I would work on it which I am doing very well at by far. And even though I do find other guys attractive, I wouldn't cheat again. The last time I saw him in person (we have been talking everyday since last fall. I mean EVERYDAY lol.. I love it) was when i wen over his house it felt so good to see him again. We had sex, when out to eat, and chilled for a bit. Today as well as before I tell my lover that I'm not used to being in a relationship like this. My past relationships were Long distance and problems always occurred and was VERY stressful for me.
I guess my question is What is it that I feeling. It''s hard to tell. I feel that i would do anything for him but at the same time I think about him sexually which makes it seems I'm always lusting after him. I've never been so determined to change for someone. But still some days I wake up and say do I really love him while others I REALLY love him. Maybe its because I have low self esteem myself idk...after all I've been sexually active since a very young age and have come a long ways. I don't what to do. I'm confused. How do I truly know what I'm feeling is true love. Our relationship was founded on sex, but grew grew into something beautiful. Is that normal? I've told my lover my most darkest secrets and he still accepts me. I dont know why I tell him things my I feel safe around him. he comforts my soul. but sometime...I feel I dont want to be with him....but i always run back to him. We seem like the same person almost. I can be myself around him more that anyone else...and I LOVE it. We know each other so well. But the sex, and wanting it , and porn, being attracted to others, its all confusing.