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Legendary
05-13-2010, 12:36 PM
Part I

Being in a relationship for 10 months that was founded on sex, its hard for me to depict what am I feeling. My lover and I first began as friends or associates( in a college setting). After telling him that I liked guys he began to ask me all these question about my past relationships and sex. He seemed very interested in it and he himself identified as heterosexual, which was interesting.I have to admit that I found him very attractive in the beginning (and I still do). After getting to know him my feeling began to grow even more for him. I so desperately wanted to be in a relationship with him as well as have sex with him.

I assumed him to be homosexual however when I asked confronted him about it he said he wasn't. When he told me that my feelings for him began to change and I didn't find him as attractive as I did. Even though he told me what he was I still went to his room every night to have random and fun conversations from serious things like our lives to fun topics like comic books and who would win in a fight between Superman and a Jedi.(He's a Star Wars fan, I LOVE Superman). After a week and some days I found him to be a really cool friend and easy person to talk too. Things began to change when we would often get on the subject of my past relationships and he the sex with other guys. He would always want me to go into detail.

This confused because I never knew a straight dude that would do this. Still I didn't judge his sexuality like I did before. After a few weeks of getting to know one another he eventually told me that he was curious to try it (in so many words), in which that lead to our first kiss. He was so nervous that he was shaking. I remember that it was an amazing experience for me. Later that night I went into his room and feeling VERY confused. Eventually we talked for a bit and it led to us having sex for the first time. After that day sex seemed to be a regular routine for us. However it wasn't just a simple do it and go ( after we were done many times we would both feel guilty about it). It seemed at the same time it brought us closer together( even though at that time we were not together). We would still have our talks but this time they would be about deeper more personal topics too.

Eventually I decided to roomed with him. Since I was his first guy crush he was still adjusting to it and still is today. We always walked to class together, sat by one another. Kept getting closer and closer everyday. After the summer semester we were really good friends. We talked everyday during the break and when fall started we roomed together. This is when things began to evolve even more.

Part II
When the summer semester began we became even closer than before. We both agree that it seemed like we were together but wasn't. During the beginning of the semester I slipped (cheated). One was with a friend whom I met over the summer and I had a liking for and so did he. I just didn't act on my feelings and ran from situations that would feel awkward. But when i went to his apartment during the fall it happened. Almost immediately I locked it away in the back of my mind as if it never happened. Time passed and me and Mike became even closer. Until I cheated again. This time I told him what happened because my feelings were far stronger than they were before. Till this day he is still hurting from it. It took a month plus more to get at least close to normal again. It was also during this time (as it had been for a time even before we met) that I had a strong liking to pornography. At first it didn't bother him, he would often want to watch it with me. But when he felt it began to replace him it became a problem.

Through out the year we had so much fun together, there would be days when we would stay in bed with one another for the entire day watching movies, and holding and taking care of one another when we were sick. (At the same time sex was still frequent) It was until January of 2010 that we made it official. (Very exciting). During one of our conversations we decided to spill any secrets that we had (this is the next year 2010.) I thought that I had told him everything but then I remembered the experience I locked away so long ago. When I told him it broke his heart. Mainly because the guy was also eventually became a friend of his too. When I told he was very hurt and overtime we became ok and our friend came out to my lover but doesnt know that he knows about what we did.( My friend who is very masculine is a very cool guy and didnt know of me and my lovers closeness at the time.) My lover in time came out to him. Tell our friend that we were together and that I was the only guy he liked, and ever had feeling like this before.

That brought is three closer together. When my lovers Birthday came around I surprised him with a dozen roses and a cheesecake (mmmmmm :) ). He said that it a bit much because he was still getting use to being with a guy but he still loved it. After a while naturally my liking to porn began to fade but I still had outbursts. Today we are on a very long break (summer break)I promised him that I would work on it which I am doing very well at by far. And even though I do find other guys attractive, I wouldn't cheat again. The last time I saw him in person (we have been talking everyday since last fall. I mean EVERYDAY lol.. I love it) was when i wen over his house it felt so good to see him again. We had sex, when out to eat, and chilled for a bit. Today as well as before I tell my lover that I'm not used to being in a relationship like this. My past relationships were Long distance and problems always occurred and was VERY stressful for me.

I guess my question is What is it that I feeling. It''s hard to tell. I feel that i would do anything for him but at the same time I think about him sexually which makes it seems I'm always lusting after him. I've never been so determined to change for someone. But still some days I wake up and say do I really love him while others I REALLY love him. Maybe its because I have low self esteem myself idk...after all I've been sexually active since a very young age and have come a long ways. I don't what to do. I'm confused. How do I truly know what I'm feeling is true love. Our relationship was founded on sex, but grew grew into something beautiful. Is that normal? I've told my lover my most darkest secrets and he still accepts me. I dont know why I tell him things my I feel safe around him. he comforts my soul. but sometime...I feel I dont want to be with him....but i always run back to him. We seem like the same person almost. I can be myself around him more that anyone else...and I LOVE it. We know each other so well. But the sex, and wanting it , and porn, being attracted to others, its all confusing.

scott snedeker
05-20-2010, 09:22 PM
be grateful. Lust and love together in the same person! that's what people call marital bliss! enjoy every day of it and don't worry! Some day it may end and when you look back you will say. Wow! that was so good! I'll never match it again!" Hopefully though, the two of you will grow together and share a wonderful happy life of sharing lust and love!

Daniel
05-20-2010, 10:45 PM
Sorry to took me so long to find this thread. (eyes rolling)

Scotty is onto something: lust and love together is quite something. Who is to say that they are mutually exclusive?

Best I can say is to keep talking, communicating and loving each other. No one has everything figured out. Most of us find our way as we go through life. It can be mighty confusing, but that's the way life is. We get to make the choices. Making them out of love is always better than making them out of fear.

stav
05-21-2010, 09:03 PM
I don't know a lot about your relationship with this guy, but the glimpses I get in your post say to me 'this man is on a journey of discovering truth, intimacy, love, lust and beauty'. There is no 'right' answer. Sounds to me like you have some doubts. Some will be because you are healing a hole in your self-esteem. Some may be because you don't feel you deserve him (the self esteem thing) and some may be because, in some ways, he may not be your 'ideal' partner. But there is no 'ideal'--only degrees of it, and then the work of growing either together or apart. If he works for you sexually, and you are turned on--that's fantastic! If not, well--welcome to the human race--it's hard sometimes to figure it all out....

i think when you're forced to live underground about sexuality--and there's fair pressure in this world to, there can be some challenges and consequences to our wellbeing for that.

For example, who teaches us to connect with someone of the same sex for a budding romance? We have way fewer role models and way fewer 'norms' in our society to encourage it. Homosexuality and marriage? Mention them in one sentence and we're likely to cop a glare or an accusation, or the room gets divided into two teams.

It's really really difficult figuring it all out from scratch. Nature helps us. We get sexually attracted to somoene. Sex happens, but then what?

If I could dare to be so bold--there is absolutely nothing wrong with sex without intimacy. That's sex in the ways that many of us have experienced--without love and connection. It's just that it is only part of the whole package. It's sex without intimacy and sex without a connection of the mind. It's only part of our being at work in interactions with others....

But, when the heart comes into it, and the head, and the sexuality, that's a three-fold connection. That's when trust issues come up, as you've found yourself--through learning. It is scary being intimately connected--it leaves us so very vulnerable. We can get hurt by our partner's sexual behaviour, in a number of ways.

I must say, you've shown integrity in how you've disclosed about your secrets and sexual experiences to your partner. And re-built trust in a really honest way. I'm impressed. That seems to be the groundwork for when we can settle for someone as a real, long-term partner. That's where love is borne of, or from, or when 'God' in whatever form you experience him/her/the divine is with us on a beautiful journey. I've been with my partner for two years now. I needed to do a lot of discovering and searching and journeying to figure out how to make a relationship work.

Lust and intimacy and love are all from the Divine. They are a celebration of our existence. Would you like me to say something about porn and its place in sexuality? I am happy to, but let me know how you went with this post.

Cheers and kind regards
stav

Pablo Rafael
05-24-2010, 08:30 AM
In my mind the term "lust" means desiring someone sexually in a selfish manner without thought for the other person's feelings. It is a negative term.

Two people who mutually find each other attractive and enjoy being intimate with each other is not a negative thing. I say, enjoy what you have and let yourself move into an ever deeper relationship.

Your relationship has already lasted for some time and has weather a few tough times. That sounds like love to me. Love weathers the tough times and can even come out stronger.

stav
05-27-2010, 02:28 AM
In my mind the term "lust" means desiring someone sexually in a selfish manner without thought for the other person's feelings. It is a negative term.

When lust is taken from an interaction, at the expense of another, most certainly, that is a negative situation. Worse: potentially deeply harmful. It is to take pleasure at another person's expense.

But lust is basically, just pleasure.

Sexual consent is terribly important. But two people can consent to give themselves and each other pleasure, mutually, in which case, they are also giving. Here's how: by appreciation of the other's attractiveness (giving of praise, through bodily appreciation), by really enjoying the moment (celebrating a connection--a more basic form of intimacy).

Two people who mutually find each other attractive and enjoy being intimate with each other is not a negative thing. I say, enjoy what you have and let yourself move into an ever deeper relationship.

Your relationship has already lasted for some time and has weather a few tough times. That sounds like love to me. Love weathers the tough times and can even come out stronger.

Cheers to that. If it works, it works.

Enjoy the journey......

drobs
05-30-2010, 05:54 AM
It's hard to know when to take that next step, from liking someone a lot, to LOVE. It's different for everyone. Saying those words... "I LOVE YOU," and meaning it, has power.

Some will abuse those words and pull them out too quickly as a way to use another. When a relationship is drawing to an end, some will try to move that relationship up, to another level, by pulling out that card.

For me, when I say "I LOVE YOU" to that person I'm with, it means something. It means that I'm giving them my heart, soul, emotions, my self esteem, and my self doubts. I'm all in when I tell someone that. It’s a risk and I don't take it lightly.

Sounds like you are getting close to that point. Just be careful make sure it's both ways in your relationship. Discuss it with your partner. Mention that you are that point where you're not sure what to call your relationship. Is it that time to take that next step and what does it mean to you?

If you're not at that point, enjoy what you have. Maybe it will get there maybe it wont.

Legendary
06-02-2010, 06:59 AM
I talked to a friend of mine and she said that it might be anxiety because I've been through so much and I often find myself making a big deal out of nothing. Also sometimes I get irritated at him and dont know why. He doesnt do anything wrong I just do. I can look forward to talking to him then all of a sudden a voice says "Ugh why do I even like him" Then at the same time I'm like why am I saying these things. It causes us to have lots of arguments..I want to stop so bad but I cant figure out wat the source is. I never did this tin my other relationships and they were no where as great as this one. Maybe its because this is my first real relationship , and also because I'm questioning who I am, and among other things. My friend mentioned that its normal at my age (18) to question yourself and life. Its all so confusing. As of now Im trying to do a better job at controlling it and so far no problems. As a few of you guys know i always have questions I just things to be figured out.

stav
06-02-2010, 07:21 AM
sometimes - we just have to try things and see how they fit. We figure out, after the fact, if we made the choice that fits who we are best.

You'll figure it all out - you might have to just take a turn this way, then that way, and see what happens next. It's just a meandering river, and all roads lead to Home in the end.

If you separate - you're heart will tell you if that's what you want and are. If you don't - you might figure out how to make it all work, while you're together......

Thank you for trusting us for counsel - that's very kind and generous of you.

Daniel
06-02-2010, 08:53 AM
I talked to a friend of mine and she said that it might be anxiety because I've been through so much and I often find myself making a big deal out of nothing. Also sometimes I get irritated at him and dont know why. He doesnt do anything wrong I just do. I can look forward to talking to him then all of a sudden a voice says "Ugh why do I even like him" Then at the same time I'm like why am I saying these things. It causes us to have lots of arguments..I want to stop so bad but I cant figure out wat the source is. I never did this tin my other relationships and they were no where as great as this one. Maybe its because this is my first real relationship , and also because I'm questioning who I am, and among other things. My friend mentioned that its normal at my age (18) to question yourself and life. Its all so confusing. As of now Im trying to do a better job at controlling it and so far no problems. As a few of you guys know i always have questions I just things to be figured out.

So you've had your first inkling that relationships take WORK? Welcome to adulthood.

Learning to meditate can help keep the 'crazy' thoughts in perspective.

Legendary
06-02-2010, 03:12 PM
Daniel you are becoming regular dude..its cool though..lol. But yeah I did keep in mind the advice you gave me before. I just have to start and remember that it will take time. And relationships are hard HARD work lol. wow.

Daniel
06-02-2010, 05:15 PM
Daniel you are becoming regular dude..its cool though..lol. But yeah I did keep in mind the advice you gave me before. I just have to start and remember that it will take time. And relationships are hard HARD work lol. wow.

Have you looked at how many posts I have written? "Regular" does not become to cover it. :rolleyes::lol: