4 times! Really?

[pnggrad79]

Wife left me AGAIN!!!!This makes 4 times and I am as always left reeling with grief, dismay, anger, questions and I have people left and right giving me all sorts of advice. I can't eat and I can't sleep.

This time it is over money and nothing that couldn't be resolved, she is just under a lot of stress with her new business, but why is it always me that gets the boot when it gets hot in the kitchen?

My heart can't take this much longer. I am devastated as I have been the 3 previous times and my head tells me to get the hell away from her and that she is toxic, but my heart longs to be in bed with her snuggled up warm and close, and to smell her hair and hold her soft body next to me.

Was it all a delusion? Did I want it so bad that I made up a dream to justify it? Is this all her way of dealing with stress? Is a control tactic to get what she wants?

I need some advice and wise counsel. Oops, she did it again. And I am left with a broken mess to clean up and I don't know where to go or what to do with all that I am feeling...:'(:'(:'(:confused::smashy::headbang: HELP ME!!!

[scott snedeker]

Wife left me AGAIN!!!!This makes 4 times and I am as always left reeling with grief, dismay, anger, questions and I have people left and right giving me all sorts of advice. I can't eat and I can't sleep.

This time it is over money and nothing that couldn't be resolved, she is just under a lot of stress with her new business, but why is it always me that gets the boot when it gets hot in the kitchen?

My heart can't take this much longer. I am devastated as I have been the 3 previous times and my head tells me to get the hell away from her and that she is toxic, but my heart longs to be in bed with her snuggled up warm and close, and to smell her hair and hold her soft body next to me.

Was it all a delusion? Did I want it so bad that I made up a dream to justify it? Is this all her way of dealing with stress? Is a control tactic to get what she wants?

I need some advice and wise counsel. Oops, she did it again. And I am left with a broken mess to clean up and I don't know where to go or what to do with all that I am feeling...:'(:'(:'(:confused::smashy::headbang: HELP ME!!!

I'll bet Her problem is that instead of encountering a fear, focussing on that fear analyzing it wrapping her head around it, diffusing it and then acting reasonably.... she short circuits.

It looks like Her sense of inadequacy is activated by someone so she runs away from you.... so that you will run after her to "prove" that you are still her rescuer.

By doing so you counter the crisis with a strong action which opposes the inadequacy that someone else has activated within her. She gets back to a balance ....and you are a wreck.

I strongly suspect that Your problem is that your fear of the loss of your dream and her and being a failure as a lesbian, and her suffering, and that she might kill herself....... drives you to suck up her shitty emotional manipulative head games and play the part. This feels like the lesser of two evils

Can you tell that I have been there?

I tried several remedies. The first was that I could no longer be with my boyfriend. He was too adept at playing me for me to find a way to get my head out of his ass.

Then came the agnst, the sense of failure, the guilt that was as thick in the air around me as a cloud of poison gas.

Gin was my first sanctuary, then whoring, finally I started Reiki meditation and Mindful awareness meditation...and of course a good therapist.

She needs years of work with a therapist. So do you....... and so did I.

Only after years of dedication to making herself well will she have a chance to not short circuit. Only after years of the same will you not sacrifice your serenity to rescue her. The kick in the ass is, the more you rescue her, the more reward she gets, the more she will do it, the more misery you will endure.

You cannot fix her.....and every time you try , you make her problem worse. That's just one of the painfully ironic frustrations when attempting to share intimacy with someone who is driven by the fear of their own inadequacy.

Whether you two stay together or not, get professional, intensive, long-term counselling. Slowly change the fear-driven short-circuit to action and drama..... to compassion and awareness of self while in the hands of someone trustworthy.


Good luck sweetie!

[Pablo Rafael]

I have no advice or inspiring thoughts, but am thinking about you and praying that things will improve.

[pnggrad79]

As if her leaving wasn't enough to shatter me, just today, she cut my phone off and is threatening to not help me pay for the mortgages that are in both our names. She knows the two fears that terrify me the most are (1) her leaving and(2) withdrawing monetary support. And she does it to be vicious and mean.

Why when one says they "love and adore" you, do they turn around and act so vicious, cruel and mean? I don't get it! I tried, I really tried begging, pleading, anything and everything to get her to change her mind.

We have known each other for 22 years and spent the last 12 together. How can she do this to me? She can be a hardass, pushing those two buttons on me cause she knows it hurts me like hell. What did I ever do to deserve this? I know I am not innocent in this and I have my shortcomings and faults, but at least I want to work this out and I don't run away. What makes a person do this? I slept with this woman, loved this woman, sacrificed my family's approval for her, bailed her out of one situation after another. Was I not enough of a hardass? Was I too easy? Does she have me over a barrel?

[scott snedeker]

Was I not enough of a hardass? Was I too easy? Does she have me over a barrel?

Ans.

1.) YES



2.) YES


3.) YES

Get a lawyer, end it, and grow. It is time to play hardball and kick the shit out of her. Make yourself a total nasty bitch in her life history.

Sorry sweetie, but it is over. salvage what you can for your self and move on.

After 22 years, it is too late. She doesn't love you enough to care whether or not she hurts you. You were her emotional toilet paper. Now she found something else. Sweep away the broken teeth that fell out when she kicked you in the face and go on. Get drunk. Get laid. Party hard.

Been there, Done this, learned my lesson, can't spare the time for more bovine scat piles, not enough years left.

[pnggrad79]

She just finds new ways to make me angry and hurt me more. Now she says she doubts she is even a lesbian. OMG! After 22 years of being in love with a woman and sleeping with a woman for 12 of those years, and she has the nerve to say that? What the hell?

I asked God to show me with clarity what He wants me to do and where to go and today He showed me what kind of person she really is and I knew she could be mean as a snake, but she reached a new low today. I am done. Enough of her drama! Begone you lowlife bitch!:headbang::unhappy::mad::injured::hissy:

[pnggrad79]

It is July and she is still gone. I am in Anchorage with my sister and seriously considering moving up here permanently even though I am cold all the time. We have a lot of financial troubles at home that I am leaving her to deal with, and frankly I am just running away from it all. She chose to leave and I guess I did too. I really miss her but hate her all the same.

Is there really any hope for the brokenhearted? Does it ever really go away? :'(:'(:'(

[scott snedeker]

It is July and she is still gone. I am in Anchorage with my sister and seriously considering moving up here permanently even though I am cold all the time. We have a lot of financial troubles at home that I am leaving her to deal with, and frankly I am just running away from it all. She chose to leave and I guess I did too. I really miss her but hate her all the same.

Is there really any hope for the brokenhearted? Does it ever really go away? :'(:'(:'(

At some time you will stop in your tracks and wonder. When did I stop pining over her? You will not be able to know it when it happens, but it will. Start a new chapter that is your life.

Take up a new purpose that demands your presence in the moment. From this moment on the rest of your life begins. Dye your hair. Go on a crash diet. discard your old clothes and pictures. leave the past and don't look back. Sell all of your belongings and buy a motorcycle or something similar. Take up cross-country skiing and ice fishing. Join the national park service

Find the opportunity in change that leads you to the satisfactory new option this is frredom from your old self that needs to die, wants to die..and be reborn into a new self that does not let the wonder of discovery become shackled by the past.

[Daniel]

It is July and she is still gone. I am in Anchorage with my sister and seriously considering moving up here permanently even though I am cold all the time. We have a lot of financial troubles at home that I am leaving her to deal with, and frankly I am just running away from it all. She chose to leave and I guess I did too. I really miss her but hate her all the same.

Is there really any hope for the brokenhearted? Does it ever really go away? :'(:'(:'(

Yes. The pain will grow less in time.

I've had some pretty hard things happen to me in the last couple of years and have been practicing a meditative technique called Tonglen to deal with things. It's not about making the pain go away, but rather, keeping the heart open- having compassion for one's own pain, and that of others.

We go to therapists to help us 'hold' things, give them context, figure things out. But in the end, we have to do this for ourselves. Life doesn't make sense sometimes, at least not the sense we want it to make. We can love others who don't love us back, do things that hurt ourselves and them, and in blindness cause such pain. And it can be hard to stop and just 'be there' with the feelings that arise.

Guess what I am saying here is that the only way to deal with feelings is to have compassion for them. That's what's helped me the most. Compassion gives them some room to breath so that they don't suffocate me.

Tonglen, or some other 'practice' is good medicine. Better than a bottle, a gun, or some other unskillful action. I'll be thinking of as the light comes up here in New York City. May it shine on you.

[mighty]

You both need to sit together and try to resolve your issues for your future life.

[pnggrad79]

I don't ever want to see her face again. She has hurt me beyond measure. I need some lesbian love. It will never happen to me again. I love/d her but she is intent on destroying me.

[scott snedeker]

I don't ever want to see her face again. She has hurt me beyond measure. I need some lesbian love. It will never happen to me again. I love/d her but she is intent on destroying me.


In one way she made it possible for you to make a clean break by demonizing herself.

Simplify your life. get rid of "stuff" material and otherwise. Let go of the home you had. Rent out your house, or sell it.... or if the mortgage is too big, let go of it after yoou have made other plans. Everyone's credit sucks today.

I used to have pictures over 12 years of my ex and me. I burned them and cried. now I live in the moment and can let in joy. I'm 46 and have about 10 years left that I desire to experience. I can waste no time with the past. After the next decade, I could give a damn whether I continue living.

This is the finale, dear. This is the last ride. spend it up and seize the hell out of the day

[pnggrad79]

She told me the other day that she was listening to a song by Steve Wariner called, "All Roads Lead to You" and I just sobbed. Why if she sings this song to me, why the hell is she still gone?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SF7WTzyPKb0

[pnggrad79]

She sings songs to me like the one I mentioned, yet when we talk, she does nothing but list off a litany of complaints and things I did wrong. Never admitting failure on her part, but you would think I ran over her mother, and killed her dog the way she rants and raves. I just don't think I was ever good enough for her and why she stayed around for 22 years is beyond me. She says whatever I did that was unintentional, it is still unforgivable. Where do I go from here? She already says I am wasted flesh and a piece of $%#@! How do you love someone whom you think is wasted flesh? I just don't understand any of this.

And these complaints? Most of them I knew nothing about. She didn't bother to communicate anything to me. I guess one of my other flaws is that I can't read her mind. I guess now she expects me to walk on water and bring the 10 commandments down from Mt. Sinai.

[Daniel]

At least that's what it sounds like. Stuck is some weird passive-aggressive S & M dance with the woman who left.

Scotty is right. You need professional counseling. And you need it ASAP. Like yesterday.

Has it ever occurred to you that you may be getting something out of this drama, that nothing is gonna change until you get off the 'juice'?

What are you waiting for?

More drama?

[pnggrad79]

I don't know Daniel what I want. I am stuck in this damn rollercoaster of wanting her back then tell her where to go and how fast to get there. She has been so cold and ruthless and mean spirited that I don't know what the hell I was thinking to ever think this would work out. I almost swallowed 72 pills today because I was so despondent and wanted some relief of this pain in my chest. Fortunately, my sister opened the door before I could do it and talked me down.
I go home back to Texas in less than a week and I am terrified of living alone, in a godforsaken apartment. My two girls will be gone in a year or so and there I will be alone with just myself and that terrifies me. My sister reminded me that I was not God and didn't hold my future. She told me that Jeremiah 29:11 was true and I needed to just focus on the day ahead and not worry about tomorrow. So I got up and went for a massage and I know I need to get her out of my mind and my heart but damn her and damn everything she ever told me. So many questions and no answers but to run to Jesus and step out in faith that he has my life in his hands and everything will work itself out. These are the lyrics to the song she said to me 5 days ago made her think of me and cry. What the hell?

ALL ROADS LEAD TO YOU by Steve Wariner

Blacktop's burning, heat waves rise
Pick up my shove, l put my back to the grind
Got another job in Flagstaff and this one's paid

I work the freeway, the pays all right
But I can't get you off my mind
'Cause every stretch of highway ends the same

All roads lead to you
I thought I could forget but it's now use
Your memory is there wherever I go, whatever I do
All road lead to you

The boss said one more mile to go
The last one always goes so slow
If I could just turn off my mind I'd be all right

But I keep wondering what went wrong
Whose holding you now that I'm gone
There's not a minute that goes by you don't cross my mind

All roads lead to you
I thought I could forget but it's now use
[ Steve Wariner Lyrics are found on www.getlyrics.com ]
Your memory is there wherever I go, whatever I do
All road lead to you

The sun's getting to me
I think I see you in every car that passes by
No way around it I'll always love you
Any fool can read the signs

All roads lead to you
I thought I could forget but it's now use
Your memory is there wherever I go, whatever I do
All road lead to you

All roads lead to you
I thought I could forget but it's now use
Your memory is there wherever I go whatever I do
All road lead to you

All roads lead to you
I thought I could forget but it's now use
Your memory is there wherever I go whatever I do
All road lead to you


WTF? Why would she say this and if this song means a damn thing why is she acting so cold and heartless and cruel? I don't get it!!! I know I keep rambling about this but she just keeps poking the wound with a hot poker and I wish like hell she would just let me go and quit twisting the knife. This song says one thing but she does the complete opposite all the while saying she loves me and misses me. BULLSHIT!!!!!!!

Moreover why do I listen to this nonsense? Why does she mean so much to me? Why can't I get over her? Will I ever? What does this all mean? Is she just as screwed up over this as I am? Just puts on a better face?:confused::confused::confused::confused::conf used::confused::'(:'(:'(:'(:headbang::headbang::

God Help ME!!!!!

[Daniel]

I don't know Daniel what I want. I am stuck in this damn rollercoaster of wanting her back then tell her where to go and how fast to get there.

You need to get professional help & a support system ASAP. God helps those who help themselves.

[bnmoore]

Although it may be nearly impossible to do when you're in the middle of something that is happening to you it might distract your mind to perhaps do a little reading on Impermanence and Relationships. It is much easier in hindsight and when the drama is someone's other than your own. It is true enough that the only way out is through.

[Zerbie]

I almost swallowed 72 pills today because I was so despondent and wanted some relief of this pain in my chest. Fortunately, my sister opened the door before I could do it and talked me down.



God Help ME!!!!!

No! No, no, no, no, no!!! You will feel differently at another time. Don't give up on life!

PNG, I'm so sorry! You've had a lot of really tough breaks a bunch of times. No wonder you feel so bad. It will NOT last forever.

I was feeling totally trapped and helpless about something (totally different type of thing, but still) last winter, and now after 2 months living in another country speaking another language, it feels so different. I can see why it was tough, but on the other hand, it's changing and I'm looking forward to so much.

Get a support system in 3D. Internet helps, but face to face can mean more - we need that 'real' connection more than we know. Sounds like your sister is a possible support. Who else do you know who you can be with? You need someone who knows what you're going through who can help - nothing better than a pro here, like a therapist or psychologist. But you can also feel so much better just from fun socializing - go to the movies with an acquaintance you'd like to know better. Movies are great when we're down. Go to the theater where there's that big screen, surround sound, and the dark environment, and get totally lost in the story. Go as often as you need to in order to distract your mind from the circling thoughts you're having.

You need a support system to stay healthy and safe, and you need distraction. Find the funnest thing you can think of, especially good if it's something you always wanted to try and never got around to, and go do that!

[scott snedeker]

It's not her so much as the dream. The dream died and that's what is so dificult to let go of.

Get out of your house/ apartment. Get something simple. Volunteer somewhere and as Daniel says, get a professional to help guide you away from self-destructive impulses. Buy yourself flowers to show your heart that it is loved.

burn the dream. Keep your focus simple and away from it. Like training a puppy to sit on the paper. When it strays, gently redirect your focus on volunteering or cleaning. Try reading a new book, or pick up a copy of Walden. get your focus directed toward something new and away from reminders of the drama.

The dark grudge-gratification of self -injury is addictive. when it won't go away get really angry and punch a bag with boxing gloves or go running and wear out yourself, smash beercans, chop wood, yell obscenities call her a bitch for ruining the dream! It is the Dream not her that you loved most.

[pnggrad79]

But she posts on Facebook "how do you get thru a divorce,can someone please get me off this rollercoaster?" I am like, UH you left, dear, you caused the rollercoaster, you caused all drama. Scotty she devastated me,and that doesn't even come close to the despair I have felt the past 2months. Killing myself seemed like a way to escape it. But I got home today from Alaska, which was exquisitely beautiful,and my two girls are such a godsend to me and if I didn't have them I would drown. They are wonderful support.

I rode home on the plane so depressed and wondering why Ishould even bother coming home. I am so used to her being there doing all this with me,but the aloneness is what is knocking me down. I have never felt so alone, barren, broken and bruised by the one person I love most in the world. I still stand here with my mouth open wondering what the hell happened?

[E.B.G.]

You have got to try and put that broad in her place. Clearly, you still love her. If you're remotely willing to stand by and take any of her garbage, you have to throw it back at her. Don't let her threaten you or walk out or anything like that again. If you can't just let her go, don't let her get the upper hand, eithe

Or, the next time she does something like this, then tries worming back into your life with sappy songs, just yell at her. She sounds like she needs it.

[scott snedeker]

But she posts on Facebook "how do you get thru a divorce,can someone please get me off this rollercoaster?" I am like, UH you left, dear, you caused the rollercoaster, you caused all drama. Scotty she devastated me,and that doesn't even come close to the despair I have felt the past 2months. Killing myself seemed like a way to escape it. But I got home today from Alaska, which was exquisitely beautiful,and my two girls are such a godsend to me and if I didn't have them I would drown. They are wonderful support.

I rode home on the plane so depressed and wondering why Ishould even bother coming home. I am so used to her being there doing all this with me,but the aloneness is what is knocking me down. I have never felt so alone, barren, broken and bruised by the one person I love most in the world. I still stand here with my mouth open wondering what the hell happened?

It sucks!

Here is a song to veg-out to
pJ1lyVzvr04

[pnggrad79]

I told her today via text message that I am done! I am tired of beating my head against a brick wall and pouring all my energy into the definition of futility. She wants her freedom,she can have it. I am tired of being the little hurt puppy! Damn her! I hope she falls flat on her face. I move into an apt on Aug.1 and will start living my life alone. Well, with my two daughters, but essentially alone. They have their own lives and will be gone in a year or so. So essentially alone. I just need time to heal and put everything she ever said or did in attic in my head and try to forget. It may be impossible, but I think the more I don't see her, the better off I will be. She has become this cold,hard,ruthless bitch and I don't like her now. I will always love her but that has to be put to rest as well.

[scott snedeker]

I told her today via text message that I am done! I am tired of beating my head against a brick wall and pouring all my energy into the definition of futility. She wants her freedom,she can have it. I am tired of being the little hurt puppy! Damn her! I hope she falls flat on her face. I move into an apt on Aug.1 and will start living my life alone. Well, with my two daughters, but essentially alone. They have their own lives and will be gone in a year or so. So essentially alone. I just need time to heal and put everything she ever said or did in attic in my head and try to forget. It may be impossible, but I think the more I don't see her, the better off I will be. She has become this cold,hard,ruthless bitch and I don't like her now. I will always love her but that has to be put to rest as well.

Time, always time, just give me tiime. I'll be fine

_ogVor9uZoo&feature

[BrianB]

Honey, a part of you will always love her. It's just the way we're made. Sometimes you have to move on anyway because the relationship is costing you too much. Emotional costs is what I mean more than anything. Time does make things hurt less. Keeping busy helps too. Then maybe one day when you least expect it your heart will be ready to love again.

[pnggrad79]

Thanks, Brian. It just seems like a waste of time.I thought we had progressed past the point where we didn't treat each other so badly. The first 10 years of our relationship was that, just trading potshots at each other. But the next 12, we really made an effort to treat each other very well. I don't know who or what she is listening to that would make her deliberately hurt me so much and so thoroughly. It is like one minute she is loving and sweet and the next she is a mean,controlling, brutal bitch. I don't know where all this is coming from.

Two nights before she left, she asked me to write down the things that she did that made me feel loved. So I did, took a lot of time the next day to do this. I assumed she was doing it too. So that night, I asked if she was ready to share our lists and she kinda laughed and said, "I didn't even start mine." I thought she really didn't take this seriously. Anyway she grabbed a piece of paper off the floor and scribbled on it for about 10 minutes and we shared our lists. First on her list was for me, since I got home first, was to at least have a plan of what we were going to eat that night. I took issue with that, because I work just as hard as she does, and I didn't feel it was fair for me to have the burden of doing that after a long day. I told her in an email that I thought it was a joint effort and we needed to cooperate with each other to make it work. Now, in any of that, do you see that I took her "heart" and stomped on it, throwing her feelings back in her face? I don't see it. But that is what she said, that I took her feelings that she gave from heart and threw them back in her face. The next day she left and hasn't come back. All because I said I wanted cooperation and communication to take place. All because of DINNER! Then came the accusations of I was the roadblock to all her dreams and goals. So it wasn't necessarily about dinner, as much as it was, I was getting in the way of her ambitions.

Whatever,now she claims that if I change my attitude she will come back. So I have to change and she doesn't? Hell,no! It has been 2 months and I am an emotional basket case and she expects me to swallow all the hurt, and anger and feelings of rejection and stupidity and go on as if nothing happened. She says when she sees that I can take care of myself, be emotionally stable, she will come back. So I have to do all the work so she will come back and do this crap to me again? I just don't know at this point.
She has become Darth Vader, cold, hard, ruthless and brutal. I don't like who she has become. I am wondering if I just fell in love with an illusion.

[Daniel]

I thought she really didn't take this seriously. Anyway she grabbed a piece of paper off the floor and scribbled on it for about 10 minutes and we shared our lists. First on her list was for me, since I got home first, was to at least have a plan of what we were going to eat that night. I took issue with that, because I work just as hard as she does, and I didn't feel it was fair for me to have the burden of doing that after a long day.

Here's what I hear.

1) She didn't spend all night writing up her list so her doing it for 10 minutes isn't worthy of you. Ergo: your love for her MUST be worth more, while hers for you is doggy-poo.

2) You criticize what she gives you. In fact, I bet you rate her all the time. Gee that's nice to live with (this kind of stuff is usually done to us as kids and we pass it on without awareness. I am betting the source was your mother).

I wasn't there, and you are only giving your side of the story. But you know what? Neither of you is looking very pretty. You both love this insane power trip you inflict on each other, which is why I am going to go back to something I asked earlier on this thread and you completely ignored: what are you getting out of this constant bickering? What's the payoff? You keep scratching this wound, making it bleed over and over again, which tells the reader that something is very very wrong.

You need professional help to deal with this. The story you've recounted is just the tip of the iceberg. And if you don't deal with the underlying issues, you are going to replicate them in your next relationship, that is, if you don't start back up with your 2 month moved away girl-friend for round 5.

Be the change you seek!

[scott snedeker]

I am wondering if I just fell in love with an illusion.


It is the illusion or dream that is most difficult to resist or let go of. She owns all of her suffering, but does not know this nor does she acknowledge her accountability for her own suffering. So she uses you for emotional toilet paper.

The fault and responsiblilty for her suffering is all yours according to her. Well that's not dandy even if she's paying you $200 per hour for psychotherapy. Even therapist wouldn't put up with that shit for 1 hour a week!


You are not ready to forgive her now. You probably won't be ready for that until she is no longer part of your life. Appreciate the fact the she is actiing like Darth Vader. This might be the only thing that is keeping you from going back for more abuse!

Sometimes it is the vicious kick in the teeth to wake us out of our delusion about another person that we need to make overdue changes.

She's trapped by her suffering and fearfull of being further trapped by you. Because of this she is dangerous and vicious. You are the person she needs the least in this world and she is the person you need the least in this world.

Each subsequent communication with her will likely result in more and more vicious attacks. If you continue to communicate with her then it may be a need for you to feel more pain. This is a dark grudge-gratification. Pain makes you feel the gratification of being awarded victim status (Abused Martyr). This is one step above of being her toilet paper ("Deserving" of Abuse).

I entirely agree with Daniel; something dysfunctional is at work in your head and you are feeding it.

Don't stay the abused martyr for very long. It does not wear well and soon starts to stink (been there, done that, and threw it out with the used condoms and Gin Bottles)

If you communicate with her again then you are looking for drama.

Instead I suggest looking within for where this desire for drama arises.

How does it feel in your body?

How far back in your life can you remember when this need was noticeable?

What sensations in your face stomach or neck does this cause?

What other thoughts cause similar sensations?

When was the youngest time that you experienced loneliness?

What have you been willing to do to spare yourself this feeling of loneliness


Then ask yourself, when was there a time when "God was in His Heaven and all was right with the world?

Where you 5 years old? or seven? or ten?

Focus your thoughts on remembering a time when everywhere you went everybody loved you, because that was how your world was. Bring to your awareness the images, the sounds the smells. Christmas tree lights and cookies, eating too much turkey, rassling and giggling uncontrollably with your cousins etc.

This is your Heart.. This is your pure core of desire to experience the joy of living. As the adult you are in the present smile upon the child who is still there. Ask her to forgive you and help you.

Now bring you heart in contact with the first time you felt lonelinenss. Fill the lonely girl with the warrmth joy and compassion of the loved girl within you. Practice this meditational exercise twice a day for 20 minutes for the next 12 days. When your thoughts stray, gently bring your focus back. It takes practice, so don't give up if you don't do it well at first. The more you practice, the better you become.

But don't rely on my limited on-line advice. Get off the complacency/fear/drama/lard-ass mudpile and get a therapist!!!!!!!

http://soundofthunder.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/091.jpg

[pnggrad79]

Tonight she texted my youngest daughter and accused her of"leeching" off of her for many years, and threatened that if we weren't out of the house by Aug. 1 she would call the police and have us evicted, plus she would throw everything out on the front lawn. I swear she is behaving like a monster. Needless to say, she made my daughter cry and I said, it is one thing to hurt me but hurt my kid, that's crossing a line. Kyrie, my youngest, said, "I swear Mom, if you ever go back to her, I will never speak to you again." I said, "After all the shit she has dealt me, I will never go back to her."
I see my therapist on Tuesday, and tell her that I have been doing some research on people who abandon their spouses not only once but 4 times, and all it pulls up is Narcissism. I think she has gone to the dark side and will never be redeemed. I don't like the person she has become in the last 2 months. All she does is issue threats and tries to blackmail us into complying with her demands.



I don't know where any of this hostility is coming from.

[keltic63]

Tonight she texted my youngest daughter and accused her of"leeching" off of her for many years, and threatened that if we weren't out of the house by Aug. 1 she would call the police and have us evicted, plus she would throw everything out on the front lawn. I swear she is behaving like a monster. Needless to say, she made my daughter cry and I said, it is one thing to hurt me but hurt my kid, that's crossing a line. Kyrie, my youngest, said, "I swear Mom, if you ever go back to her, I will never speak to you again." I said, "After all the shit she has dealt me, I will never go back to her."
I see my therapist on Tuesday, and tell her that I have been doing some research on people who abandon their spouses not only once but 4 times, and all it pulls up is Narcissism. I think she has gone to the dark side and will never be redeemed. I don't like the person she has become in the last 2 months. All she does is issue threats and tries to blackmail us into complying with her demands.



I don't know where any of this hostility is coming from.

ok. we get it. she's mean. the break up is nasty.

now. what about all the advice you've been given? what are you going to do with it? are you seeking a therapist?

I'm a firm believer in operant conditioning. getting a reward for a behavior increases the likelihood that you will perform that behavior again. What reward are you getting from all this drama?

Conflict requires your participation.

[tdogg]

It would probably help to forget about her or what she needs, and concentrate on you and what you need, and your daughter. It would definitely be mentally and emotionally safer and more healthy for both of you.

[pnggrad79]

Now she "wants to be friends". My daughter was like "uh hell to the damn NO. MOM! she has done nothing but screw you over and run all over you. I understand forgiveness and compassion, but she hasn't made any efforts to be conciliatory or to reach out to you. So until she makes some kind of restitution, uh I would say no, and I will be mad at you if you let her take advantage of you." I see her point very well, and it is well taken.

A week ago, she ordered the electricity cut off causing all the food in the refrigerator and freezer to go bad, and smell. She took the modem so we couldn't have internet. Then over the weekend, she made no attempt to come clean out the refrigerator or freezer, instead taking a day trip out of town. I went to Dallas because I was simply afraid that she would destroy what was left in the house. I quickly packed everything up that was remotely valuable to me and left for Dallas to be with my sister.

So last night she messages me on Yahoo chat and says,"I don't know if you would be willing or not, but I would like to start over and be friends." Sometimes I think I am dealing with a schizophrenic person. One minute she is vindictive and vengeful and the next she makes overtures of supposed friendship to me. Says she doesn't deserve it, but thought she would ask. Then she says she knows my daughters won't go for it, and I was like, "NOt after what you did to them and said to them. Girl, you have a lot of bridges to rebuild here."

My head tells me NO! My heart misses her terribly. My therapist says that she has been very careless with my feelings, throwing them around like a ragdoll. She says that she wouldn't even consider being her friend unless some drastic changes were made and I stop letting her run all over me. That is very logical and healthy. I still love her and she said she still loves me, and I am trying very hard to see things from her perspective. I suggested today that we seek counseling to work through some of these issues because I am not all that willing to give out my heart again for her to abandon me and take me for a ride again. After 4 times, I think I have finally learned my lesson. A friend of mine says that I have essentially taught her how to treat me, which is like trash. She says that my ex has made me her safety net, that she can run away for however long, but she knows I will always take her back, and tolerate this nonsense. She's right and so is my therapist. My head fully agrees. My heart misses her like crazy.

[E.B.G.]

Just forget all about her. She needs to be committed to a mental health facility where she can be monitored properly. I imagine you don't like the idea of sticking needles in her, but she needs it more than some people do.

[pnggrad79]

After 22 years together, I would need nothing short of a lobotomy to forget all about her. She was/is the love of my life but has a lot of amends to make to me before she is let back into my heavily guarded heart.

[E.B.G.]

After 22 years together, I would need nothing short of a lobotomy to forget all about her. She was/is the love of my life but has a lot of amends to make to me before she is let back into my heavily guarded heart.

I can't blame you either way. But, it does sound as if she needs mental assistance if she keeps going off the deep end.

[pnggrad79]

I just can't figure her out anymore and I am not with her to understand these little nuances. One minute she is mean and hateful and the next she is friendly and rather funny and bright. I understand the ups and downs of heartbreak, but I rather find it odd that she is one who left and still feels heartbroken. Maybe so, but I have only twice been in that position. Once with her and then again with my ex husband. With her, I had justified my leaving on the grounds that it was good for her to be out on her own. Much like she is doing to me now...Odd. The next time was with my ex husband and I had emotionally divorced him years before, so leaving wasn't that traumatic in the sense that I missed him and wanted to get back together. What upset me the most about him was how he treated my girls.

The thing that stumps me about this is we have had two really good conversations online over yahoo chat, and I don't know what all that means, or what is going thru her head at this point. Maybe we are on the way up and wherever that takes us, will involve a lot of counseling, healing and trust rebuilding. I am just looking for damage control here.

[E.B.G.]

Sounds like you're looking for more than damage control. You're looking for the slightest reason not to walk out on this woman. She needs help in more ways than one, and you don't. Nobody couldblame you for still loving her, but she can't be good for you if she's not even good for herself. Tell her you won't let her even be friends with you until she's gotte the help I recommended above.

[tymejumper]

I guess the best advice I an give is to not accpet her texts, and messages via chat or emails. I get the sneeking suspision that she is keeping you on a string, and pulling it to see you jump for her. She is having so much fun with the control aspect of it. Proving to herslef "see, I still have her and can control her". The outcome is pleasure for her and more and more heartbreak for you. It will be painful, but you need to cut ALL connections with her, as do your daughters. Change your email, cell phone and passwords. Change your facebook and block her from being your friend(unfriend her). Do not look on her site. At frist this will be almost unbearable, but you need to have her and her communications away from you, because with her still contacting you and your girls, she is finding a way to conrol your life and not allowing you to heal and get over her.

You need some peace and quiet right now, away from her and her games so you can think and put your thoughts in order. You do not need any communication with her. Sure, your home is in both of your names, but contact the landlord and tell him what is going on, see if you can get out of the lease. Or, get the utilities that she has cancled put in your name only. That way, she has no control over what utilities you have. Make sure that your credit cards and accounts are seperate. Cancal those that are not. Put your accounts at another bank, get another phone number and keep it unlisted. Do not open any letters from her, do not respond to any attempts by her to contact you.

My divorce was about as nasty as one can get. I was stalked, threatened, my children were threatened, my girlfriend was stalked and threatened, my children were used and placed in the middle, my credit cards and banks had to all be contacted, items were taken and at times returned destroyed. I spent pretty much everything I had and had to borrow alot to make it through, to feed my children and pay bills, he emptied our joint bank accounts leaving me with checks bouncing and not enough to pay anything. I lived at the court.

I made it, and you will also. Get some good therapy under your belt and treat yourself kindly. Lean on your friends that is what they are there for. Pray, and use the support that is out there. There is an end to this. (((HUGS)))

[pnggrad79]

My daughter's bf was very unkind to ex last night and now she blames me for his comments. He was basically defending my daughter because ex threatened to dump all of her things out on the front lawn if we weren't out of the house by Aug. 1. She didn't follow through as I am finding out, she rarely does follow thru with her more noxious threats. She did order the electricity cut off and then when the meat in the fridge and freezer melted and got all over the place, she expects me to clean it up. I thought well, it is my house too so I should help clean it up. My daughters were livid and said She cut the electricity cut off, she needs to clean up after it." I was conflicted.

So while cleaning up, she came over and helped me and then daughter's bf refused to take the trash to the dumpster and told her it was her fault this all happened. She came back into me and proceeded to yell and scream and throw things for the next 30 minutes calling me names and him names and saying mean things about my girls. I felt it best to just shut the hell up instead of making her angrier.

She said that the only reason he even said anything to her was because in her assumption, I put those ideas in his head. So I was ultimately responsible for what bf said to ex. I can't win. I never could win. I guess it really is over.
But I have said that before, too...

[E.B.G.]

You should've taken my suggestion and (mildly) informed her that she needed to put herself in psychiatric therapy.