prayer- coming out

[squirt07]

Hey guys.

I came out to my parents a week or so ago via written letter.

Today, we met at a neutral location. They wanted me to "share" with them. Their perspective and remarks angered and infuriated me:

- It's a decision.
- I don't approve of your decision but I still love you.
- (To be respectful) If you had a girlfriend, could you not bring her to family events?
- Do you think this (being gay) is in God's plan for you?
- We want you to see a Christian therapist who can give you more insight into the dangers of this lifestyle.

Please pray for them and me. They want to meet again in a month or so. I'm not so sure I want to. Pray for patience and a healing to my torn heart.

[Saru]

I certainly will :) And are they saying they want you to fake a girlfriend for family events? Wtf?


Good luck man :) I'll pray for you right now

[stav]

of course - from here in australia, i'll send you some 'pro-homo' vibes of love and grace and self-acceptance. And for your family - that they discover the sin of the lie they tell themselves - that 'gay people are not part of god's design'.

The stuff about it being a choice - hmm - how closed minded are they? Would they respond to any literature on the subject?

The girlfriend stuff was getting towards creepy, but the really bad one was the christian therapist (not that Christian therapists are evil, but just that i get the sense they're hoping to 'change your choice' in therapy, which would be to misunderstand how good therapists work). I'm a therapist myself, and have practiced for the last 10 years.

My hopes is that, were you to go to one, that you'd not be pressured, but allowed to explore who you are and how to heal.

cheers
stav

[bnmoore]

If you don't feel a need for therapy perhaps you could suggest therapy for them. Ask them how they would feel about you picking the therapist. You have a right to be angry. There is nothing wrong with you.

I actually did take a woman to several family events. She was my best friend for several years. She was six years older and a different ethnic group.

The pestering changed from "When are you going to get married?" to "Don't you marry that woman". Parents aren't often happy with any of our choices but eventually they may realize that our choices are not theirs to make. Sometimes it's not until after we leave them for the sake of our own sanity.

[Daniel]

Hey guys.

I came out to my parents a week or so ago via written letter.

Today, we met at a neutral location. They wanted me to "share" with them. Their perspective and remarks angered and infuriated me:

- It's a decision.
- I don't approve of your decision but I still love you.
- (To be respectful) If you had a girlfriend, could you not bring her to family events?
- Do you think this (being gay) is in God's plan for you?
- We want you to see a Christian therapist who can give you more insight into the dangers of this lifestyle.

Please pray for them and me. They want to meet again in a month or so. I'm not so sure I want to. Pray for patience and a healing to my torn heart.


First off- congrats for coming out to your parents. It's a big deal.

The response you got was mixed. They said they loved you, but in the same breath said they don't approve. And that's simply 'loving the sinner and hating the sin' crap. Of course, they don't know this yet. But they may in time.

You know that being gay isn't a choice. But they don't. They are on the outside looking in. They don't get it that the only real choice is to accept one's self or not.

On bringing a partner to a family event. This is where I drew a line in the sand. My mother uninvited my first BF to Thanksgiving dinner, and I drew the line, saying that if he wasn't coming, I wasn't either. To my mother's credit, she backed down. Will your parents in a like situation? Only you know. But as some point, the matter ceases to be about their comfort and more about them respecting YOU. They are simply going to have to GROW UP. They are going to kick and scream like little children, and you are going to have to be very very patient with them. And this is where everything gets turned on its head: we grow up wanting and needed our parents approval and love, and in a situation where we need it the most find that we have to have compassion for them. Why? Because they don't have a clue.

Yes- I would go ahead and tell them that God loves you as you are and that her plan for you includes a wife.

Send them info and books if there is the chance that they will read the information. Mel's book might be on your list. You never know.

[bnmoore]

I forgot to ask. What is your adoptive parents' faith? And what is yours, if any?

Although I'm personally a little hesitant to place the words together there is such a thing as Progressive Christianity.

I believe Bishop Spong has been mentioned before:

http://www.johnshelbyspong.com/

For the essays on the web site, I'd recommend reading the ones on "Homosexuality", "The Terrible Texts", and "Politics" first. They appeal to my activist's nature. I feel that just about anything the man has to say is worth reading.

For a full length book I'd probably go for "Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism: A Bishop Rethinks the Meaning of Scripture".

[squirt07]

bnmoore- Thanks for asking.

My parents are Christians. My mother has attended the Nazarene Church since childhood. My father grew up in a small rural church; however I don't remember the affiliation. Both now attend a Nazarene church (the Nazarene denomination is a branch of the Wesleyan tradition).

As for myself, I grew up in the Nazarene denomination. I attended a Missionary church while in high school. During college, I church-hopped until finding a non-denominational church with Methodist roots.

At present, I am searching for a new church home. I find a conflict of my Western self (environment) and Eastern self (biological). I am quite Confucian/Buddhist in nature and have been exploring each "religion" (I believe they are more philosophies of how to live life, but then again, religion itself perhaps would be better labeled the same way).

I find myself best in tune with God (higher power) when at the fitness club. It's just me, music, and time to think and reflect. Perhaps one would say I'm slightly leaning toward agnosticism. Who knows?

[keltic63]

hey squirt!

I grew up in the Nazarene Church too. that is until my parents decided to go to the Assembly of God when I was a teenager. It wasn't easy being "different" in either place. I can even recall being bullied by some kids when I was in Sunday School at the Nazarene Church.

There is hope! If you can, keep the lines of communication open with your parents, but as Daniel advises, set boundaries for respect. My parents still attend an AoG and I disagree with them on most religious issues, but we are still able to respect each other and get along. It's not always a great relationship, but it is a relationship, and they may not understand everything about who I am, and who I love, but we do have a mutual love and respect for each other.

[bnmoore]

I was raised Nazarene as well. The world gets smaller all the time. <cue the Disney theme here.>

I saw the Nazarene Church listed as gay supportive on one of Bruce's links. That struck me as odd. The one I attended in Atlanta was not when I left.

[Rick336]

Coming out to your parents is an important life event, much like graduation, marriage, buying your first house, and the birth or adoption of a child. Write down the date and remember it and what was going on in the world at the time.

Example: Obama was President, the country was recovering from a recession, there was an oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was being voted on in Congress, and Shrek 3 was the number one movie at the box office.

Thirty years from now you'll be glad you did.

Rick

[BrianB]

I wish I had written things like that down, Rick. The main thing I remember was my mom being angry and crying at the same time. She was in denial until the day she died. What I remember about the letter is I based it on Mouse's letter to his parents in Tales of the City. His letter said many of the things I wanted to say.

[scott snedeker]

Hey guys.

I came out to my parents a week or so ago via written letter.

Today, we met at a neutral location. They wanted me to "share" with them. Their perspective and remarks angered and infuriated me:

- It's a decision.
- I don't approve of your decision but I still love you.
- (To be respectful) If you had a girlfriend, could you not bring her to family events?
- Do you think this (being gay) is in God's plan for you?
- We want you to see a Christian therapist who can give you more insight into the dangers of this lifestyle.

Please pray for them and me. They want to meet again in a month or so. I'm not so sure I want to. Pray for patience and a healing to my torn heart.

After your anger cools down, (and your anger is probably the most normal feeling in this situation) You might write back to them on the issues:

- It's a decision.

It certainly is! It is a decision to live true to your nature. It is a decision to honor God's gift to you of the capacity for same-gender intimacy by sharing your joy with another of his children. It's a decision to face oppression with courage!

- I don't approve of your decision but I still love you.

Think of how hard it was for me to make this decision and how much courage it took. Do you at least approve of my courage?

Do you know that if I pretended to have capacity for intimacy with men and married one that I would be deceiving the man, myself, and you? Can you really honestly say that you would approve of that decision?

- (To be respectful) If you had a girlfriend, could you not bring her to family events?

Respectful to you or respectful of myself? Does being respectful to you mean that I have to betray my heart? Would it be fair of me to ask you not to bring your husband whenever you visit?

- Do you think this (being gay) is in God's plan for you?

Yes, Definitely from the depths of my heart.

- We want you to see a Christian therapist who can give you more insight into the dangers of this lifestyle.

First of all fear is the lowest spiritual state. Christ said fear not. The goal of spirituality regarding fear is to relieve it

Tell me what your fears are and what you believe these dangers are and we will address each one individually. If at the end of the discussion, I am convinced that these fears and dangers are real, I will see a Christian counsellor.

If I do not share these fears after our discussion, then such counselling will be of no value as there would be no interest or energy from me. There would be no fear to relieve and therefore no spiritual goal.

If you still have fear, then I would suggest you find a spiritual teacher that relieves it, not one that reinforces it. Here are some suggestions:

(Resources for parents adjusting to their children coming out) Guys I need help with these

[BrianB]

Ash said:
(Resources for parents adjusting to their children coming out) Guys I need help with these

PFLAG is the best known resource for parents adjusting to their children coming out. The PFLAG chapter in Dayton is very nice. Hopefully, there is a chapter close to Squirt07's parents.

[Daniel]

That is just a wonderful response!

[scott snedeker]

That is just a wonderful response!

aww schucks!

can't compare to your record!

[squirt07]

Thank you for the encouragement, support, and resources. There is a PFLAG chapter near where I live (30 minutes from my parents). I'm not sure they would be very receptive but I'm giving them the information anyways. They will have to choose--on their own time--whether they want me in their lives or not. As a child, I wanted their support. As an adult, I deserve their respect.

[scott snedeker]

Thank you for the encouragement, support, and resources. There is a PFLAG chapter near where I live (30 minutes from my parents). I'm not sure they would be very receptive but I'm giving them the information anyways. They will have to choose--on their own time--whether they want me in their lives or not. As a child, I wanted their support. As an adult, I deserve their respect.

Right on!

Seize your entitlement to live out in the sunshine!

Pretty damn healthy response

BTW is your chinese symbol the Tiger or Dragon? sounds like it should be
one of these, I looked up your year though and I think it is the Boar!


Feb 13, 1983 – Feb 01, 1984 Yin Water 癸 亥 Boar 猪 Boar in Japan and Elephant in Northern Thailand (Yin, 4th Trine, Fixed Element Water): Honest, gallant, sturdy, sociable, peace-loving, patient, loyal, hard-working, trusting, sincere, calm, understanding, thoughtful, scrupulous, passionate, intelligent.

WATER Boar - 1863, 1923, 1983

A persevering and diplomatic boar with all the qualifications of an outstanding emissary. Perceptive at discovering people's hidden desires, she will be resourceful in bargaining with her opponents. Still, Water makes her look for the best in others and she often refuses to believe their evil intents until the last moment. This type of boar has a touching faith in her beliefs and loved ones. A believer in miracles, she can be used by others if she is not careful.
The cordial, peaceful and earnest Water Boar will be a great party-goer. She will stick scrupulously to the rules of the game, showing her goodwill by meeting others more than halfway.
Still true to her Boar nature, she will have his basic passions and outpourings of love. When she is negative, she can be preoccupied with sex, enjoyment of rich foods, excessive drinking or indulging in other expensive luxuries at the expense of others.

[Daniel]

Thank you for the encouragement, support, and resources. There is a PFLAG chapter near where I live (30 minutes from my parents). I'm not sure they would be very receptive but I'm giving them the information anyways. They will have to choose--on their own time--whether they want me in their lives or not. As a child, I wanted their support. As an adult, I deserve their respect.

I gave my parents info on Pfag, a reading list, and a couple of books, one of them being Now that You Know by Betty Fairchild & Nancy Hayward. Did they read the book? Not at first. I think my mother read it secretly after a year or two. My mother, especially, was busy staying in the closet, as I think most religious conservatives do at first.

It's a closed system after all. Nothing gets in or out (pun intended!) very easily. The first thing your parents may have to deal with is not your being gay, but rather, their shame and embarrassment. And that can take a while. How do they explain you to their friends? What will people think of them? It's a trap that many stay in for a long while. And if they do, your being gay will have been turned into being all about them. It's kinda sick, but that's one possible scenario.

A word to the wise here. You are probably pissed as hell about their reaction. And that is a normal and healthy response. But please be careful. If you stay in that anger indefinitely it will concretize the barrier you already feel with your parents. The hard part? Staying open while feeling bad about something you can't control- that is - the reaction of your parents. My suggestion? Have compassion for your feelings. Get soft, rather than hard. This will help create the bridge to the people you love. And is- as I see it- the essence of 'being the change you seek.'

All this aside, people can and do surprise us when we least expect it.

[BruceChris]

I apologize. Somehow I didn't see your thread, and I'm late. But the guys above seem to have said everything that I might have.

I wonder why they're all guys. I know that we have some real straight-up women on this website.

I like the PFLAG suggestion, not just for your parents, but for you. What gay community support systems/people do you have connections with? I see this as very important, for support, role models, many things. This subculture is very un-normal for your parents, but it is very normal, and necessary, for YOU. These are much easier to find in larger population centers, and the PFLAG people could help you connect much faster.

I'm sorry to hear about not getting that job. I don't know what your living situation is, but having your own income, and "A Room of One's Own" can make parents much easier to deal with.

Parents seldom appreciate that their children will not grow up to be like them, or share their values, but most parents do come around. It's when children force themselves to be like their parents, or parents are judgmental, and refuse to accept their children as they truly are, that there is much unhappiness.

Please go out there and find some new resources, and new friends, and then come back and tell us about them.

Peace, and much Love, BruceChris