Hi, I'm Chad..

[chadp81]

Wow, I really don't know how to start this off... I'm 28, I live in a small town in Kentucky (no I'm not a Hillbilly! lol)... anyway, Ive been dealing with feelings of being gay since I was about 15 - 16 I guess, Ive not really came out to anyone, my mom knows, she says she loves me no matter what... My younger brother and his fiance both know, they say that I'm no different to them and they still live me as much as ever. I guess a little background about me is in order, I was raised in a strict orderly home, I have the greatest family anybody could ever dream of, my dad is retired U.S. Army and my mom worked in the medical field. I was also raised in a Southern Baptist church, I love God with every ounce of my being, I wanna serve my Lord in any way he can use me. I graduated from high school and joined the USAF, I was stationed in Germany and I got to experience a lot in Europe, it was total different world for me. My time in the Air Force was the time in my life that I was the farthest away from God. In 2007 I started attending a Non denominational church. I guess that works for a short back ground...

Ive found myself in some pretty embarrassing situations in the past while trying to hide and explore my feelings. I was raised to believe that Gay people were an abomination unto God, and they would burn in hell for their ways.. so being a gay teen in my area wasn't an option. After I got out of the AF I came back here to my town and got a good paying job, but I still had my feelings of being gay. I never have had an attraction to women, yeah, I see some that I think are gorgeous but no REAL attraction to them. I started looking up guys online and emailing them, we started sharing pictures, some PG, some not so PG if you get my drift. My parents always liked to keep tabs on us, even though I was in my 20's my parents still checked up on me. I got "caught" so to speak being Gay on the internet a few times, the last time was the worst, my dad busted my laptop, ant told me I had to move out. He cried for days saying "I cant have a Gay son" and "there has never been a faggot in my family" stuff like that.. I move to Georgia and lived with a sister and her family for about 6 months, then I came back to Kentucky and about 3 months after moving back I was "caught" again, and shortly after I got my own apartment. I promise I'm getting to a point....

Now, Ive been battling depression and feelings of rejection, I'm so tired of trying to be who I "Should" be, but I've been to scared to be who I really am. I want to find love and happiness, I want to hold someone and be held, I wanna wake up with them beside me and know that we are there for each other... I just don't know how to do it! I'm so scared to come out, I would lose most my family, my church, there's too much on the line for me. My family is your typical Southern Right Wing Conservative family, my Church says they wont allow Open gay relationships but they want gays to come to the church so they can "be delivered from Homosexuality, and have those demons cast from them", so you can see its a Lose Lose situation for me. All these things weigh heavy on me... Ive even cried out to God begging him to change me so I wouldn't have to hurt my family anymore, Ive pleaded, begged, prayed, and tried everything I could to get god to "fix" me.... But he hasn't...

Ive read the "What The Bible Says" PDF on here and I really want to believe it! That's more like how Ive always pictured God.. But its hard to see my sexuality as being right when Ive always believed I'll go to hell if I live as a gay man.... I guess I'm just confused and hurting inside... I just cant stand the life I'm living anymore... I want freedom... I want Love... I want acceptance... and I'm looking for another person whose came through this to give me some advice, and let me bend their ear a little....

Can anyone help?

[Daniel]

Hi- I'm Daniel, and have been here on the forum forever. I'm gonna shoot from the hip and tell you what I think based on what you've written.

First things first. You are an adult, and your parents have no business busting you for your internet chats with guys etc. Whatever you do, that should be off limits to your parents. Ok? I mean, how would they feel if you busted in on them in their bedroom in the middle or 'whatever'? Get my drift? So- no more of that stuff. Put a password on your computer when you are at their house. Be smart!

Next. You can have a life with another guy, and if can be pretty wonderful. What is holding you back and giving you nightmares is the thinking you had growing up. Of course, I think you know this. The other thing is the thought that your father is never going to accept you. And that, my friend, is the elephant in the room. Not your being gay, but rather, if you Dad is going to be Ok with you being gay.

Here's the deal. You father doesn't get a choice in the matter. That's the bottom line. You know you are gay, right? Nothing is going to change that. No prayers or hell mary's are going to do a damn bit of good as far as that goes. So- what are you going to do?

You might consider telling your father straight up that you are gay and that he had no business messing with your stuff. And that's just for starters. What I am suggesting here is that you are going to have to declare your independence. That alone may get you some respect. Sure. Your dad may scream and hollar and do all kinds of crazy shit, but that doesn't matter. If you say to him what you want and need to say to him in a low calm and clear voice he will get the picture. You've learned to be a man, so be a man with him. Tell him like it is and don't wimp out.

Tell your dad that you love him even if he can't tell you that. Give to him what you want to hear out of his mouth. This is really important.

Leave the religious stuff aside for right now. The questions you have will begin to be sorted out eventually. You don't have to do it all at once. It takes time! You've got a lot on your plate.

I bet your dad is going to come around eventually. But it's going to take time. You are going to have to be patient with him. You've known you were gay for a while now, and while he may have suspected (parents do you know), it's going to take him a while to get with the program.

Now. Do you have supportive friends? A church? If not, get one ASAP. Contact P-FLag. They can be a HUGE help. What I am saying here is that you need a support system. It's really hard to do this coming out thing alone. So don't be! You need people you can call in the middle of the night.

I've been with the same guy for 15 years. Yes. We've had our ups and downs, but the relationship works. That is just one example out of thousands, if not tens of thousands. Yes- it is possible to wake up with the love of your life and be together a very long time.

To find acceptance you are first going to have to accept yourself. And that is perhaps the biggest thing.

You have good stuff going for you. You mom and siblings love you no matter what. And that is how it should be.

Wrap yourself in love Chad. All is not lost. There are other churches that will welcome you with open arms. Seek them out.

You will find your place, and the man of your dreams. Just keep in mind this: To have a prince you have to be a prince. It may sound silly, but it's true. We really do receive what we give.

Give your dad the love and acceptance you want from him. He may not respond in the way you want him to right now, but eventually, your open heart will make it possible for there to be reconciliation and acceptance.

[chadp81]

Thanks Daniel for being strait forward with me... I guess I need that!

I know I'm an adult, but I guess Ive let my parents keep a leash on me until about a year ago because that's the way I was raised. We were taught to have respect and not question authority. I know that sounds pathetic, especially in this day and age, but my parents wanted us to grow up and be respectful, caring, compassionate people, heck, we were even taught to say "yes sir/ma'am" and "no sir/ma'am, rise when a woman enters or leaves the room, please, thank you, may I be excused, all that Southern Charm business... seems silly, I know... but they haven't been all up in my business since Ive been living in my own apartment.

"Now. Do you have supportive friends? A church? If not, get one ASAP. Contact P-FLag. They can be a HUGE help. What I am saying here is that you need a support system. It's really hard to do this coming out thing alone. So don't be! You need people you can call in the middle of the night."

My church wouldn't support me in coming out, they think being gay is a demonic influence. I live in the "Bible Belt", churches here are very closed minded when it comes to homosexuality, I don't know of 1 church out of our 121 churches in my county that is open to gays. As far as friends go, I think my best friend would be cool with it, we had a weird conversation one day when he asked me what I would think of one of my friends being gay, I told him I would be cool with it and not see them any differently, he said the same, I wonder if he suspects something with me? I don't know if I could tell my other friends about me being gay, most of them go to church with me. What is P-FLAG? and they won't think I'm nuts for handling things the way I have?

"Just keep in mind this: To have a prince you have to be a prince. It may sound silly, but it's true. We really do receive what we give."

I really liked that a lot, and it most certainly doesn't sound silly, I always try to be respectful and just be kind to people, I hate to see people look down on others or tease and harass them, actually the only time I came close to a fight in school was when I went off on a guy for talking down to another less fortunate guy & his sister, it really hurt me when he did that.

Mom said she has suspected that I was gay for a long time, so I'm sure dad has too. His feelings towards gays is that they should ALL be killed, and that AIDS is Gods punishment for the immoral acts they commit. When I can get the balls to tell him, and do, I hope he comes around and lets his love for me as his son overtake the hatred of what I am. My family has always been very close, at this moment, they are my whole world...

This is gonna sound really lame and probably pathetic, but, How do I find my dream guy? I don't have the slightest idea about how to meet decent guys who are wanting a relationship and not just sex. Its sad that I'm 28 and never been kissed, still a virgin (with guys and girls), and never been in love... Ive thought about moving to a big city and trying but I still wouldn't know where to start! I don't have any gay friends who could hook me up with a nice guy... What do I do? Ive never been on a "REAL" date, Ive been fixed up with girls in the past but I had no interest in them and didn't enjoy the dates we went on... does it work the same for a guy?

Ive got some serious self esteem issues to deal with, there's a lot I don't like about myself, but that seems dumb when I think about it. I have this constant fear of rejection... I hate it... I understand that being confident is important when trying to find a date, I just don't know how...

Believe it or not, you've given me a lot to think about, I appreciate it

[Jody]

Gay-Friendly Churches in Kentucky: http://www.gaychurch.org/Find_a_Church/united_states/us_kentucky.htm.

Your Nearest PFLAG - Berea, KY: http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?&pid=224&srcid=229&chid=157.

PFLAG stands for Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, and their goal, from its mission statement, is to promote the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and intersex persons − while providing support and information to their families and friends. http://www.pflag.org/

:dove: Peace be with you. :earth:

[Daniel]

Chad-

I see Jody clued you into Pflag.

Sounds like your friend has an inkling that you are gay. Now. Wouldn't it be a trip if your buddy was also gay and was feeling you out for how you might respond if he told you? Stranger things have happened!

Moving to a city is one way to meet other gay people for the simple reason that there are more of them there. Other than that, there is the internet. I know of many couples who have met that way. If you join one of the gay web sites, I suggest you always meet a potential date in a public space. Of course, there are gay bars, but one has to be aware of the issues around drinking etc.

The thing is this, after you've come out awhile, you will find yourself getting to know other gay people as a matter of course. And then, there is simply the matter of keeping one's eyes open. You can meet a great guy in the checkout line of the supermarket! Heck, I met my guy at the gym. You just never know.

Best I can say on this is: use your intuition. Listen to that little voice.

If you haven't had any sexual experience, I suggest you look into getting your 'shots'. That is, the vaccines for hepatitis, HPV (the vaccine is called Gardisil) etc. You can go to a clinic to get this done. Straight or gay, this what young people should be doing to protect themselves and their partners. It's always better to play it safe! Of course, you will want to learn how to use a condom. It's not rocket science.

I was 28 or so when I came out. So no, I don't think it's pathetic! That said, I wish I could have done it earlier. Why? I missed a lot of good things, like a real adolescence for one thing. Like you, I hardly dated anyone, and the girls I did date...well...it was just really uncomfortable.

You have the balls to tell your dad. The thing is to simply tell him. And of course, keep in mind that your mother may have already spilled the beans. You can't really worry or think about his reaction. In the end, you are doing this for YOU, not for HIM.

Again- and I can't say this enough: give him the love you want from him. If he isn't used to you saying 'Dad I love you' it may come as something of a shock. But that is a good thing.

Know what? After I came out, I had to consciously construct a loving relationship with my parents. They really were clueless. I was the one who ended every phone all with "I love you." You may have to do the same. And this can be hard when we want to hear the words from them. But you know what? There comes a time when we have to parent our parents. And this may be one of those times. We have to come into our own.

It's not for nothing that Freud said that every man has to 'kill' his father. And by this he meant 'become his own man'. And that is what you will be doing by coming out. It may terrify you. And that is Ok. You aren't responsible for your dad's reaction. And if he DOES act badly: let him! Don't try to manage him. See him as a guy who is afraid and clueless.

Here's an idea: write your dad a letter. This can give him time to wrap his head around the idea.

[Jody]

How do I find my dream guy? I don't have the slightest idea about how to meet decent guys who are wanting a relationship and not just sex. I've thought about moving to a big city and trying but I still wouldn't know where to start! I don't have any gay friends who could hook me up with a nice guy... What do I do? Ive never been on a "REAL" date, Ive been fixed up with girls in the past but I had no interest in them and didn't enjoy the dates we went on... does it work the same for a guy?


I actually met (or rather found) my fiancé on facebook while searching for local, datable gays. I sent him a message, we chatted some online, and ended up deciding to meet publicly face-to-face at a local diner where we hit things off before heading back to my place after and sealing the deal with a kiss.

First dates can involve as much or as little as you like. It's all up to you!

And I have one word of advice for you to find someone: Connexion. Connexion.org is a free, social networking service for LGBTs, but it primarily serves as a dating website to find other local members and met up with in person. It might be worth trying out before diving into an online, pay-to-use dating service such as Chemistry.com. You might also find someone at one of the above churches I linked to.

Best of luck!

[chadp81]

"Sounds like your friend has an inkling that you are gay. Now. Wouldn't it be a trip if your buddy was also gay and was feeling you out for how you might respond if he told you? Stranger things have happened!"
Wow, that would be a trip! it would actually be very comforting to me. My Best and I could pass for brothers, we were born close together, him 11/16/81 me 11/19/81, we like the same foods, music, t.v. shows, most of the same movies, we do have some stuff that's different, I'm way more hard headed, he hunts and fishes (that's not me at all!), hes musically talented (he can play like 5 different instruments)... we get along great and we even look similar, same height, he's a bit heavier than me, anyway, what am I doing rambling on about my Best!...

"Of course, there are gay bars..... The thing is this, after you've come out awhile, you will find yourself getting to know other gay people as a matter of course. And then, there is simply the matter of keeping one's eyes open. You can meet a great guy in the checkout line of the supermarket! Heck, I met my guy at the gym. You just never know."
I still wonder if I should move to a bigger city or not, you don't really hear about many gay people coming out in my area, and we don't even have straight bars here, its a Dry county, no clubs either... we have Bingo.. lol Ive thought about the online stuff but like I said, I want a relationship not meaningless sex. I want my first time to be special... Lame, I know...

Wow, meeting "Mr.Right" in the grocery line is kinda cool to think about! I mean, that would be awesome, be struck stupid by love while paying for groceries... I feel stupid.. lol, I keep smiling while I think about that. This gives me some hope!

"If you haven't had any sexual experience, I suggest you look into getting your 'shots'. That is, the vaccines for hepatitis, HPV (the vaccine is called Gardisil) etc. You can go to a clinic to get this done. Straight or gay, this what young people should be doing to protect themselves and their partners. It's always better to play it safe! Of course, you will want to learn how to use a condom. It's not rocket science."
Thanks for telling me that, I'll look into it, but I don't plan on doing anything unless I can play it safe, I don't wanna take any risks. I do know how to use a condom, Ive worn one before, just never used it for intercourse.

I do wanna come out FOR ME, but is it wrong for me to do it if it hurts those closest to me, does that make me selfish? I really like the letter idea, I'll give that some thought...

[chadp81]

"I actually met (or rather found) my fiancé on facebook while searching for local, datable gays. I sent him a message, we chatted some online, and ended up deciding to meet publicly face-to-face at a local diner where we hit things off before heading back to my place after and sealing the deal with a kiss.

First dates can involve as much or as little as you like. It's all up to you!

And I have one word of advice for you to find someone: Connexion. Connexion.org is a free, social networking service for LGBTs, but it primarily serves as a dating website to find other local members and met up with in person. It might be worth trying out before diving into an online, pay-to-use dating service such as Chemistry.com. You might also find someone at one of the above churches I linked to."

I really appreciate the info you've given me, I checked out the church directory and it looks like the closest church to me is in Berea, Ky, that's about 40 miles from me... That's so great that you found your Fiance on FB, I'm so new to this that Ive been wondering if meeting someone was even possible... I'm gonna check out Connexion... Thank you again for everything!

[Daniel]

Here's how you quote another poster.

http://www.soulforce.org/forums/showthread.php?t=325


I still wonder if I should move to a bigger city or not, you don't really hear about many gay people coming out in my area, and we don't even have straight bars here, its a Dry county, no clubs either... we have Bingo.. lol Ive thought about the online stuff but like I said, I want a relationship not meaningless sex. I want my first time to be special... Lame, I know...

Wow, meeting "Mr.Right" in the grocery line is kinda cool to think about! I mean, that would be awesome, be struck stupid by love while paying for groceries... I feel stupid.. lol, I keep smiling while I think about that. This gives me some hope!

Thanks for telling me that, I'll look into it, but I don't plan on doing anything unless I can play it safe, I don't wanna take any risks. I do know how to use a condom, Ive worn one before, just never used it for intercourse.

I do wanna come out FOR ME, but is it wrong for me to do it if it hurts those closest to me, does that make me selfish? I really like the letter idea, I'll give that some thought...

Back to health matters for a sex: HPV is very common. However, 4 strains that can lead to anal cancer can be transmitted even with condom use (the virus lives in the skin), so the vaccine is a good thing to be getting. It's not cheap! (may be hard to get insurance to pay for it) But it is recently available for gay men. My doc recommends that all young gay men should be getting it.

How is that being yourself hurts someone else? That is the thing to think about. The only thing that hurts is the belief that being gay is somehow bad, awful, sick and sinful. And that is not the case at all.

Those closest to you will be able to really get to know you- the real you- if they choose to. And that is a good thing. However, if they react badly that is no reflection on you. Rather, it is a reflection of their ignorance and misguided beliefs.

[chadp81]

Back to health matters for a sex: HPV is very common. However, 4 strains that can lead to anal cancer can be transmitted even with condom use (the virus lives in the skin), so the vaccine is a good thing to be getting. It's not cheap! (may be hard to get insurance to pay for it) But it is recently available for gay men. My doc recommends that all young gay men should be getting it.

How is that being yourself hurts someone else? That is the thing to think about. The only thing that hurts is the belief that being gay is somehow bad, awful, sick and sinful. And that is not the case at all.

Those closest to you will be able to really get to know you- the real you- if they choose to. And that is a good thing. However, if they react badly that is no reflection on you. Rather, it is a reflection of their ignorance and misguided beliefs.

Wow, I didn't know that about HPV! Its kinda scary... and I never really thought about there being Anal Cancer, I feel like I need to study up on what some the risks are... I have pretty good insurance, do you think I could call them to see if its covered?

I see your point, I guess I just felt like I was hurting them by being who I am, you know, not living up to what they always thought I would turn out like. Dad does feel that being gay is bad, awful, sick and sinful, when he starts talking that way about gay people it really bothers me, I feel dirty or like some kind of sideshow freak. I know I need to do this, I'm tired of living a lie!

Daniel, I just wanna say thank you for taking the time to talk to me about this, it helps a lot, Its nice to have an understanding person to vent to. This means more to me than I could ever tell you. You've given me a lot to think about and shed some light on topics I never really thought about.

Thank you

[Jody]

Wow, I didn't know that about HPV! Its kinda scary... and I never really thought about there being Anal Cancer, I feel like I need to study up on what some the risks are... I have pretty good insurance, do you think I could call them to see if its covered?


The HPV vaccine known as Gardisil prevents infection by the higher risk strains of this virus, two of which often cause genital warts and another two of which can cause cancer. Gardisil is commonly used for young girls to prevent cervical cancer later in life, which HPV is the primary cause of (70%). The FDA just approved this vaccine for use by men last fall, but I'm not sure if most insurers cover it yet. If not, it will cost you around $300+ to purchase and is taken in three doses over a period of months.

About how widespread this virus is, I've heard around half of all sexually active people in the US are estimated to have at least one of the 30 strains of genitally-spread HPV, although because of it's asymptomatic nature (minus the wart-causing strains) most do not know they have ever been infected.

What's most important for you to take away from all this is that the cancer-causing strains of HPV are asymptomatic, meaning there's no way to know you might have caught it and your body was unable to fight it off unless you develop cancer in a sensitive area one day. It is for this reason that the HPV vaccine is recommended for sexually active gay men who might be at an increased risk for throat or anal cancer because of HPV. Also, it is my understanding that genital/anal warts are very painful to have removed, so the vaccine will help prevent that from ever possibly needing to happen as well.


Here is more on HPV by the CDC: http://www.cdc.gov/hpv/.


Other than HPV, I think most people have been educated about the other common STDs (herpes, HIV/AIDS, etc.). For whatever reason, I didn't ever learn about HPV until I took a class in college on Human Sexuality (PSY). It never hurts to be more informed. Stay safe! And know any potential partner's sexual history before ever getting into a situation where something might happen. :)

[Daniel]

You are a dream! Great post and writing!

Chad- you might keep in mind that your Dad undoubtedly knows, and your telling him is simply going to be the moment when your being gay is acknowledged. Your dad may not like that. But then, he doesn't have too. In one scenario, he will listen and not say anything stupid. In the best case scenario he will tell you that he still loves you. And in a worst case..well...he might say all kinds of stupid things. No matter what happens, you will have gained a whole new life after having come out. And that really is the important thing. Coming out is about you, not about anyone else. It's certainly not about pleasing anyone.

It's time to stand in your own shoes and fill them up! And that is a good thing.

[chadp81]

You are a dream! Great post and writing!

Chad- you might keep in mind that your Dad undoubtedly knows, and your telling him is simply going to be the moment when your being gay is acknowledged. Your dad may not like that. But then, he doesn't have too. In one scenario, he will listen and not say anything stupid. In the best case scenario he will tell you that he still loves you. And in a worst case..well...he might say all kinds of stupid things. No matter what happens, you will have gained a whole new life after having come out. And that really is the important thing. Coming out is about you, not about anyone else. It's certainly not about pleasing anyone.

It's time to stand in your own shoes and fill them up! And that is a good thing.

Thanks Again Daniel...

[BenL]

Chad,

Welcome and good luck. You'll do fine. You have a great attitude, except maybe for being too self-deprecating. There's a dream man out there wondering where you are. You have a lot of happiness to look forward to. Don't let the difficult stuff blur your vision of the future.

Daniel and Troy, you guys have been great in this thread. I wish you or someone like you had been around when I was grappling with being gay back in my 20s. (Not likely since I'm 66 now, but you know what I mean.)

[chadp81]

Thanks Ben for the kind words, I'm working on trying to be more positive about myself, its hard, when you feel worthless, dirty, scared for the amount of time I have its a hard trend to break...

I agree Daniel & Jody have been a massive help to me! I'm forever grateful!

[chadp81]

What do you guys think the best way to get over my "Self-Depreciation" issues is?

[Daniel]

What do you guys think the best way to get over my "Self-Depreciation" issues is?

You may not like this. The short answer is:

Come out!

:lol: :lol::lol::lol:

The other thing is to do the things you want to do in life. Learn from your failures. Nothing makes us feel more worthwhile than in being to help others and feel like we are making a difference.

And it may sound silly, but setting goals for yourself and then achieving them is a great way to have 'self-worth'. When you prove to yourself that you can do the things you set out to do, then you can do even more.

The other thing is to cultivate compassion for yourself. I do this as a practice. It's called Tonglen (if you google the word you will find instructions on how to do it). The point here is that there are many ways to answer to question. Rock bottom? I think it's all about intention. Cultivating a strong intention.

[chadp81]

I probably should have guessed that daniel! :lol:

I'll give your suggestions a try!

[chadp81]

So last night I had a heart to heart talk with my best friend and came out to him... He was totally cool about it said he was glad I told him and he wants me to be happy... He said he already had an Idea but was afraid of ruining our friendship if he was wrong. LoL, he also told me that when I tell others, if they have a problem with me for me to send them to him and he would straighten things out....

I woke up this morning in a better mood than Ive been in, in a long time! I feel so much better and that was only one person...

[Daniel]

So last night I had a heart to heart talk with my best friend and came out to him... He was totally cool about it said he was glad I told him and he wants me to be happy... He said he already had an Idea but was afraid of ruining our friendship if he was wrong. LoL, he also told me that when I tell others, if they have a problem with me for me to send them to him and he would straighten things out....

I woke up this morning in a better mood than Ive been in, in a long time! I feel so much better and that was only one person...

Oh...that made me smile!

I am soooooo happy for you that you told your best friend and he was cool with the news! Way to go buddy!

[chadp81]

I was really nervous about it at first, but it worked out. He said that my being gay, straight, whatever didn't matter to him, that wasn't why we became friends. He was very encouraging, and supportive, he made me think of you for a second Daniel! He told me that I need to Come Out and not worry about what others think...

I'm REALLY glad that I did it! Ive had a great day today! I cant get over how much better I feel by just telling ONE person! :weee:

[Daniel]

I'm REALLY glad that I did it! Ive had a great day today! I cant get over how much better I feel by just telling ONE person! :weee:

One person can grow to include many others. And that is what you need for coming out to those who pull your chain- so to speak. Get my drift?

[tdogg]

Welcome to Soulforce!

Coming out can be really difficult, especially for those of us raised in a religious home where we are taught that being gay is a horrible thing. You are brave! It took me 44 years to finally accept myself and come out to people. Most of my friends and family were (1) DUH! and (2) loved me just the same. Some are no longer in my life, and some I'm working on still.

It was a HUGE relief to come out, to anyone even. But when I told my Aunt, who is very religious, I was scared. But I thought she would love me the same as before. It didn't quite work out that way. We still talk on a rare occasion, but our relationship isn't like it was. When I came out to my stepmom, I was SO scared. My hands were sweating, I was shaking and my voice could barely be heard. I took a deep breath and let it out. She cracked a lame joke, we chuckled and it's been downhill from there. That was several years ago and she still cannot stand to hear anything about my relationship. There are other stories too, not quite as bad. I've even lost a couple friends over it.

I tell you that because, even going through that and experiencing a bit of negativity and loss, coming out STILL was the best thing I ever did. For me. It was for me, not really for anyone else. A huge relief off my shoulders. It felt so much better! I'm out at work, I attend welcoming and affirming churches when I feel like going, I'm somewhat active in the struggle for equality, and I feel free to be in a most incredible relationship.

It took me a while to figure out that God really loves me for who I am, not who everyone else thought I should be. Whoever or whatever God is, I am loved just as I am. There are plenty of verses in the Bible that will affirm God's love for you. Cling to those, don't listen to the negative. The stories are wound to instill doubt and fear into you, driven by the terror of hell to persuade you to hide the true YOU and be who the others think you should be. Don't succumb. Be yourself, accept yourself, love yourself. You will find that those who truly love you, like your friend who loves you JUST AS YOU ARE will be there, still loving you. the others, while it may hurt a bit, will show you that being a fake person isn't worth their conditional love. You deserve more. You are a beautiful, smart, brave person and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, or that you deserve less or that God doesn't love you. Don't you let them! :love: :love:

[chadp81]

Welcome to Soulforce!
I tell you that because, even going through that and experiencing a bit of negativity and loss, coming out STILL was the best thing I ever did. For me. It was for me, not really for anyone else. A huge relief off my shoulders. It felt so much better! I'm out at work, I attend welcoming and affirming churches when I feel like going, I'm somewhat active in the struggle for equality, and I feel free to be in a most incredible relationship.

It took me a while to figure out that God really loves me for who I am, not who everyone else thought I should be. Whoever or whatever God is, I am loved just as I am. There are plenty of verses in the Bible that will affirm God's love for you.... Be yourself, accept yourself, love yourself.... You deserve more. You are a beautiful, smart, brave person and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, or that you deserve less or that God doesn't love you. Don't you let them! :love: :love:

First off, thank you for the kind words, they're good to hear now and then! I'm really trying to get used to excepting myself for who I am, it can be hard to do after denying it for 13 years. The part where you said "Be yourself, accept yourself, love yourself", well I'm working on that too, this part may be the most difficult for me other than coming out. Ive spent too much time beating myself up over being gay, I cant do it anymore, I WONT do it anymore, being a devoted Christian in the "Bible Belt" hearing that being gay is wrong, and unnatural has made it hard to believe that God loves me, that's important to me, but at the same time I haven't felt worthy of Gods love because I felt like I was some kind of pervert or monster. Those days are over, I know my Heavenly father created me this way and loves me, that's why he hasn't "healed" me from being gay, I prayed and begged him to many many times while crying myself to sleep...

You are a beautiful, smart, brave person and don't let anyone tell you otherwise

Thank You! that put a BIG smile on my face!

[pianoplayer66]

Doing large,difficult tasks requires breaking them down into smaller, more mangable steps. You have made several steps already.

First, you have admitted (despite your upbringing and teachings) that you ARE gay and that it is OK that this is who you are.

Second, you have talked with your Mother. Another BIG step. (I haven't even made that step yet and I'm 44! LOL)

Third, you have come out to your best friend! (and the world didn't come to an end!)

I make light of some of this, but in reality, I know every step is excruciatingly hard. The people writing on this website have been very good and very right in what they have said. I know, because some of them were my support and strength as I have come out as a gay person. I'm not at the end, obviously, but with their advice and support I have taken many steps to being true to myself and living the life I was created to live. And in the process, I have found a man whom I love very much and he loves me. We already knew each other but neither of us had come out of the closet. Now we are working on this together.

I wish I had come out long ago. But we each make deicisons and take steps as we feel right about it in our own time. I belive that is the Holy Spirit working in and through us. You will know when these times are right and for me, many of those times were totally a suprise. What a gift from God.

God will bless you as you journey through all of this. Be patient. Listen to your heart. Heed the advice you have and will continue to get here on this site. Christ's Love will help you through it all.

[Daniel]

I make light of some of this, but in reality, I know every step is excruciatingly hard.

Hi Pianoplayer! Great to see you back on the Forum.

I'm narrowing in on one thing you wrote above. And that is, is every step excruciating? I wonder about that. My experience has been that the 'biggies', that is, parents and family can be the hardest to handle, especially if they are religiously conservative and their stated view are homophobic. Otherwise, once the emotionally charged persons are dealt with, things can become much easier.

One big step- I believe- is dealing with one's one internal homophobia. Making peace with that can be tricky. It takes time. And a great deal of compassion- compassion for ones self.

All this to say: what are you waiting for in coming out to your mother? What's holding you back? Fear? Fear that she is going to reject you? Say nasty things? Disinherit you? Whatever the reason, you can deal with it- I bet- as you say to Chad on this thread - one step at a time.

Congrats on being in relationship!

[chadp81]

All of you guys have been a huge help to me! I could never begin to tell you how much...

My journey is getting better, I'm not depressed all the time anymore.. I've came out to 3 more friends, one sister, one aunt, and 3 cousins... everybody has been great, so loving, caring, supportive... Not at all what I expected, I thought I would be shunned from by the whole family... They keep telling me that they all kind of knew, and it doesn't change who I am...

I've been thinking about moving to a bigger city... I love NYC, but I don't think I could afford to live there on my own... I'm really leaning toward Denver Colorado...

Also, I've decided to change churches... I can't go somewhere that's going to judge me for being gay, when I didn't choose it to begin with...

Pianoplayer, I really appreciate the inspirational word you gave me... I truly believe his love will see me through!


God Bless,
Thanks again!

[chadp81]

I officially came out to everyone today!

and I left my church in search of a church that's LGBT friendly...

I feel like a million bucks!

[Pablo Rafael]

Hi Chad,

Congratulations!

Being "out" and honest is a very freeing experience isn't it? I have not for one second regretted coming out two years ago even though there were some difficult times at the beginning.

I am very happy in my Episcopal church. Also I am warmly welcomed at the Catholic church at which I am a musician. I have heard some gays say that they can't find a church that welcomes them. My experience is that many churches are affirming, and one just needs to look. I hope that you will find a place quickly where you will feel loved.

Sorry I am so late in welcoming you to the forums.

May God's blessings be on your life's journey.

Pablo

[tdogg]

I officially came out to everyone today!

and I left my church in search of a church that's LGBT friendly...

I feel like a million bucks!

That is great Chad. Going forward, some of your steps will be difficult still, but having that huge burden of being in the closet off your shoulders and heart, is really the best feeling. Best wishes on a bright future. You know where to come to if the going gets rough - we've all been there (and to some extent still are there). So happy to hear your news. Take care and much love!! :love::love:

T

[scott snedeker]

Isn't it a rush! Don't you feel proud!

You are courageous! A tiger!

You are yourself and no one else's boy! Your example will start a cascade of others who will look at you and find their courage to come out too!


You help others by helping yourself. You do not have to sacrifice to please others. It is win win!

Courage is great!

It is a real Higher Power!

[Daniel]

Great to hear your latest news. Out to everyone? That is a major big deal. Good for you! And new church home? Can't beat that.

Sounds like you have made huge changes in a short time. Wow!

[RedneckDyke]

Hi chad Good on you! May I suggest my church the United Church of Christ. Look up God is Still Speaking and the UCC and you can find your way to a site where you can put in your zip code and find a friendly church near you.

[chadp81]

Thank You Everyone...

Yes Daniel, Out to Everyone! I'm still looking for a new church, its hard finding an affirming church in my area.. so far no luck... I just decided that life is too short to be anything but happy, and I was tired of not being who the Father created me as!

@Scott, I hope my coming out here in eastern Ky can give others inspiration to come out, its been the scariest, most liberating thing I've ever done...

The closest UCC to me is 100 miles north... not fair...

So far the only person who hasn't been accepting of me is my dad... he's VERY upset... I got called a "fag disappointment and I make him sick"... I'm not mad at him even though that hurt a lot. And I don't regret coming out, its been amazing.

[drobs]

Congrats Chad!

I had a similar upbringing to yours. Grew Evangelical Christian, went to Baptist college, and served 6 years in the Army Reserves.

I fought being gay. Figured if I prayed hard enough god would take it away. If I witnessed hard enough god would take it away. None of those things happened.

I was actually outed by someone in my church at the age of 23. It was painful but freeing at the same time.

I finally realize I was happy with who I am. Now that I was out I was not going back in. Being closeted I was so worried that someone would find out. Then I would loose my standing in church and not be able to go on.

That happened but I dealt with it and moved on. The majority of my close friends stood behind me and are still friends to this day.

I had one friend that told me he could have nothing to do with me. That friendship is over. I don't have enemies but I do hold grudges. Friends come and go and you move on with your life.

My family dealt with it. It took Mom almost 13 years to deal with it. Step dad didn't really care. My sister still cares for me.

Comes down that you need to love & accept yourself 1st.