Coming out to Christian parents

[JRB]

Hi, first time visitor and I just introduced myself on the hello page - Y'all seem like very nice and reasonable people and I'm wondering if you can help me out with some opinions / insights / your own experiences.

I'm not a Christian but my parents are. They raised me in the church and I know, although we don't talk about it much, that my not being a Christian is a great source of distress to them. I am a lesbian and am seriously considering coming out to my parents. I am 29 years old, I have been in a very happy relationship with a woman for 6 years, and I plan to be in that same relationship for the rest of my life. I am secure in my sexuality. I am out to pretty much everyone in my life including one of my brothers (also not a Christian) but I live some distance away from my parents which has made it relatively easy up to now to keep my sexuality a secret from them. And when I say 'easy', I mean logistically, not emotionally.

If I come out to them, they will not understand. They will be hurt, upset, every other negative emotion you can think of. They are firmly of the conservative evangelical persuasion and I do not want to get into a discussion with them about the rights and wrongs of homosexuality as reflected in the Bible, etc. (they would robustly refute pretty much all of the reasoning on this website I'm afraid!). I want to tell them because I have become increasingly aware of the distance between us that my deception is exacerbating. Although I am 99.9 per cent sure it will be a train wreck, I want to give them the option to know and accept me as I am. Also, I already live with my partner but we may take things even further this coming year by buying a house together, and these things get increasingly difficult to explain away as simply the product of a close friendship!

My questions are these:

Am I just being selfish by wanting to tell them? Would we all be better off, and would they be happier, not knowing? Does anyone out there regret coming out to members of their family? Is there anything at all I can do to make it easier on them if I do?

Any comments would be appreciated, I'm really struggling with this and I don't want to mess up either way!

(Anyone who can offer up any prayers, that would be great too - I may not believe in God but He is my parents' counsellor, protector and sovereign Lord so I figure He should have a part to play somewhere in this... if that makes any kind of sense at all...)

Thanks for your time,
JRB

[Jamie McDaniel]

Dear JRB,

From reading your well thought-out post twice, I think you've probably already made your decision and now you just need some encouragement from some people who have been there.

My questions are these:
Am I just being selfish by wanting to tell them?
No. One's desire to live an authentic life is a positive, not a negative human longing. For a very long time, there have been powerful forces in society that have worked to push lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trangender people into closets of shame and secrecy. It is our fear that keeps us there, but it is our integrity and spirit that works to get us out of those closets.

Now I suppose there could be an element of selfishness in the way we come out. But it would have to be pretty outlandish before I would call it such. On the other hand, heterosexuals who don't yet understand GLBT people seem eager to criticize our coming out. "Why did you have to tell people she was your girlfriend? Why couldn't you just say she was your friend?" Or "Well, I just don't see why you felt the need to send your whole family a letter announcing your homosexuality." Or "Did you really have to say you were gay in that conversation? Now you get to go home after the holidays, but I'm left to deal with what the neighbors think."

When we are faced with such disapproving comments, we just need to try and keep in mind that they are responding out of their fear -- the very same fear that worked to keep us in our closets. Fear and misinformation are the enemy here, not the people who are in bondage to the fear and misinformation.

Would we all be better off, and would they be happier, not knowing?
There is a saying: Ignorance is bliss. However, I don't think that saying came from Gandhi, Dr. King, Jesus, the Jewish prophets, or anyone else who sought truth and freedom for people.

Does anyone out there regret coming out to members of their family?
It is a challenge to come out to people who might not be accepting, especially family. Planning and thinking about it can be a real source of discomfort. However after you come out, you will feel like a great burden has been lifted.

After coming out to my immediate family in 2001, I waited 2 years to tell my aunts, uncles, grandmother, and cousins. Some were accepting, others had trouble with it. In the conversation I had with my grandmother, she said that I was ok with her. Six months later, my lovely grandmother passed away.

The only regret I have ever had about coming out is not having come out sooner.

Is there anything at all I can do to make it easier on them if I do? I just read an quote by Dotti Berry from this thread:
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Dotti and her partner, Roby, are on a journey called "Gay Into Straight America." Here is what she wrote:
Our intention is to engage minds, not change minds. Creating authentic connections leads to dissolving differences that separate us, as we share stories with people who are wrestling with their understanding of GLBT, queer and questioning persons.

I think that is a good thought to keep in mind. Also, let go of the results of your coming out. Despite our efforts, we cannot control the results of our coming out.

Blessings to you, JRB!

[JRB]

Thanks Jamie, I really appreciate your reply. I think you are probably right - that I have made a decision already to come out to my parents but am in need of some reassurance. That said, I've 'made up my mind' a few times before and still not summoned the courage to act...

I was interested to read your hypothetical comments from people objecting to the manner in which someone comes out. It made me realise that, almost subconsciously, I've been marshalling my responses to objections like this for when I tell my other brother. (He lives very close to my parents and I want to give him fair warning of what I intend to do, as he might have to deal with the fallout.) But somehow, I know I think that my brother should just deal with it - like, he's a grown-up, and he won't even have any religious objections, he can take it. It's almost as if I'm treating my parents like children though, wanting to shelter them. Weird.

I've been particularly struck by what you wrote about letting go of the results of my coming out, because I have no control over them. (It reminded me of something a good friend of mine once said about coming out being like making a bungee jump...). I think that is the scariest aspect by far. But from my parents' perspective, the consequences are in God's hands.

Thanks again, the replies I've received so far have given me a lot to think about. I'll let you know how it goes if and when I finally make the bungee jump.

[Catt of the Garage]

All the best with it. I think you're very brave. God bless.

[Jennifer5]

Dear JRB,

Am I just being selfish by wanting to tell them?
First of all I don't think wanting your family and friends to know who really are can ever be selfish, you shouldn't even be concidering that.

Would we all be better off, and would they be happier, not knowing?
At first people can be difficult and not very understanding. But like other people have said you'll fell like a durdun has been lifted.

Does anyone out there regret coming out to members of their family?
I can't think of a single person that said they did.

All I can say is I'm sure you'll feel much better when they know, no matter how they react... you'll always be their daughter and they'll always love you.:love:

[rmnksdem]

I frankly cannot imagine how difficult it must be - and I am so sorry that your parent's view of faith has resulted in you having to wrestle with a decision like this.

I'm sure you know - but I want to reiterate - that not all Christians believe that being LGBT is sinful. I would encourage you to have the "What the Bible Really Says" both handy and pretty well committed to memory - it won't instantly sway them - and they'll have counter arguments - but Mel has written a wonderful piece there and I've seen it help sway those who have only heard one interpretation.

I'd also commend the resources of PFLAG
http://www.pflag.org/index.php?id=12
- have some of their material handy - a great many of their members struggled to accept their children's sexuality, perhaps some of their stories will touch your parents.

Other's have responded to your questions better than I can - but I thought hearing from a "straight" Christian that you are okay might be helpful - so here I am.

I believe that God loves you - whether you, or your parents do - I can't change - but as a Christian - nothing - nothing - can separate you from the love of God. Be who you are - and thank you.

[pnggrad79]

JRB,
I came out to my parents a little over a year ago and being strict Southern Baptists, they reacted very hostile and over the course of the last couple of months my sisters have virtually stopped talking to me. I am not saying this to scare you off, only to illustrate this point-if they find out or have to figure it out, you will only look like a coward. Be honest, straightforward and be proud of who you are, even if it is met with hostility, an authentic life is better than a dishonest life. You don't have to hide anymore, you don't have to pretend about anything. You are out, proud and loving it. No, I am not invited to my parents house for anything, but my wife and I share a very special bond and I wouldn't trade it for anything.I am sorry my mom and dad don't like it, but it is my life and I am going to live it how I think God has called me to live it-as an authentic gay Christian. It is not selfish to do this. Selfish would be to keep hiding, because you are denying your significant other the title she deserves. You are denying your relationship to the world. The more the world see that we are out there, all over the place, the more they will come to accept this as a permanent thing. I say, go for it girl. Be honest, be proud, live happy and be free to be who and what you are. God bless you and keep you.