Just don't know what to do....
 

I am wide awake, because I can't go to sleep. 16 yo daughter just confessed to wife and I that she had sex with her bf this past summer and then the jerk promptly broke up with her breaking her heart and she has been carrying this around since August, and was afraid to tell me. I am more concerned for her than anything, and mad at this young man that he saw fit to take advantage of my daughter then ditch her like a piece of trash. Damn sure it meant more to her than him....

She was afraid that I would think differently of her. I said if she could swallow me being a lesbian, I could manage to swallow her having sex but cautioned her not to give her heart away so easily to boys who only want one thing and then walk away.

I talked to her about safe sex and so I don't worry about STDs, or unwanted pregnancies, but the heartache she carries is just devastating. He had another girlfriend two weeks later.

You already did it !!
 

What a wonderful parent you are, PNG! everything you said and did was EXACTLY the right thing to say and do. Even at 16 when they try to act like what you think isn't important and they couldn't care less... even then... your good opinion is the most important thing. that you were affirming and loving rather than judgemental and punishing in this time of heartache is something that she will carry with her for her WHOLE LIFE!

Having experienced hurt, shame, humiliation and finally GRACE you can bet that she will make better choices in the future. She is an older and wiser person than she was 6 months ago and because of your excellent parenting she is in a position to assimilate that wisdom and experience.


Once when I was about twelve, my dad caught me in a bold faced lie. I dissolved into tears. I felt like a total, worthless wretch and like I had totally ruined the trusting relationship I had with him. He put his arm around me and hugged me close and told me that all of us, at one time or another do things that we are ashamed of. We just ask forgiveness and move on. He helped me get ready for school and sent me out the door with another hug.

I didn't get spanked or grounded or even yelled at ... just hugged, but I believe that I am the basically honest person that I am because of that experience.

Thank U-dog, I am feeling a wide range of emotions right now. Last night, I was in shock and my wife told me to just not say anything to her this morning. Right now, I am livid with her ex boyfriend and I think if I saw him, my wife would have to hold me back, because I really want to punch him. Part of me is angry with my daughter, but I know why she did it. But I have been judged too often and I don't want to put her in the same shoes I have often stood in myself. It is not fun to have fingers pointed at you.

I just don't know where to go from here...This is a door I never thought I would have to walk through, and I don't know what to do. Now I am here, and unfortunately, she didn't come with an instruction manual.

I think you did the right thing. My guess is she's been carrying this around, worrying about your reaction. She heard from you what she needed to hear. You gave her the "responsibility" speech, and affirmed your love for her. Now, it's your turn to carry around some worry, she's carried hers long enough.

I agree, she just needs you to love her and affirm that love. What was done with the bf last summer is done and over now, so even with regret there's no undoing what's done.
Now, she needs to move on more carefully. Since it's clear she is loved and supported at home, I think it's far more likely she will have learned from this experience and make safer choices in the future. I'm so glad you stressed the importance of her taking good care of herself and protecting herself!! Had you responded in anger as some parents do, how could that message have gotten through? You also made it clear that she can come to you with the big things, and that is very important.

PNG, I think that all of the above advice sounds as good as anything I could come up with, but I think u-dog has the best idea. Whenever you don't know what to say, which may be often, just reach out and give her a BIG HUG!

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

PNG,

Her sharing this with you and you responding with love and understanding (and anger directed outward on her behalf) is a bonding experience between the two of you which can only strengthen your relationship. If you have the opportunity to speak further to her about her sexuality, try to make it a positively directed conversation. Share with her what your own sexuality means to you. What it does for you and for your relationship with your wife. Give her an opportunity to talk about what she wants to get out of her own sexuality.

So often we talk to kids about what they CAN or CAN'T do (which is silly since they can do pretty much whatever they want!) I think it is so much better when we can talk about what sex IS ... what it is FOR... what it can offer us. If all we want is an orgasm... shit... we don't need a(nother)boy for that or a(nother) girl. That can be accomplished very safely all by ourselves! But if sex is about relationship and drawing close to another person and sharing our deepest and most vulnerable selves... then we will want to chose our partner carefully and to wait for someone particularly special.

I don't know... just my thoughts. seems like you have an opportunity here for some really good connecting. Good luck!

Sadly, I feel the pain of a relationship gone bad is the same at any age. It can literally break your heart. All I could offer is just be there for her, as you have done. Her knowing that she is supported and loved at home ( as someone else stated) after discussing this with you, will make it easier for her to come to you with any other relationship issues that she will encounter in the future. A door has indeed been opened between the two of you, and I suspect that her experience, as painful as it as has been, will only strengthen your bond. :D

I had a long talk with her yesterday and just told her I hated stupidity but more than that I hated that 5 seconds of a stupid decision could have a lifelong consequence. She said, "Do you think I am stupid?" and I said, "No, I think you made an unwise decision and you weren't thinking very clearly when you made the decision and it could have had lifelong consequences." Her eyes got very big and she just said, "I am sorry Mom for hurting you." I said, "Baby, you didn't hurt me, you hurt yourself, and that is what hurts me. I only want the best for you, and this isn't the best. You gave the best part of you away to someone who didn't respect you, let alone love you. He used you for he could get out of you, a momentary pleasure and then dumped you. That is not what I want for you. I want love for you, I want someone who is going to love you back the way you love them." She promised never to do this again until she was with the person she was going to marry.
What's done is done, and I can't change it now. We have to move past it and get on with life.

Sometimes, I wish they were 3 years old again. I knew what to do. I could fix it then. I didn't have all the questions, and second guessing every decision I made. Anyone with me out there?

png: It sounds like you are both learning as you go along, and also getting closer in the process. The balance that is tough for us as parents is protection without smothering, and letting go without LETTING GO. I worry constantly about the years ahead of us with our almost ten year old. The teen years, the worries, the heartache and dangers. At times like these, I can see why I dread those future times. But, the delight for me is seeing what a beautiful young woman our daughter is becoming, and I can only hope that the strengths that we are instilling in her now will keep that foundation solid in the future. Our kids need love at any age, and it sounds like your daughter gets it, as far as your concern, and your love for her.

You sound like a great mom. :love::love::love:

Thanks for your vote of confidence Vanessa. My wife and I are struggling through this and she is hurting as much as I am, and has cried with me over this. I can't imagine going through this alone. My wife has been such a wonderful support for me. Makes me love her more, and I didn't think that was possible.

Please pray for my daughter, that this will make her stronger and more determined to stay on the right path. I know she made a mistake, but God forgives and makes new what we bungled. I know that Romans 8:28 is true. ""All things work together for good for them who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose.":)

prayers for you
 

png, May God's arms hold you, your wife, and your daughter close, and may your tears be wiped away when the time for tears is done. Blessings on your daughter that she become strong in her vulnerability and closer to God through her anger and pain.

I'm glad she came to you. That's trust you don't see every day.

You are so, so right, revcobb. I, too, pray that your daughter becomes stronger and closer to God through the anger and pain. My prayers are with all of you.

RevCobb, and everyone else,
You can't imagine what your support and prayers have meant to me. I covet them so much and you are more family to me than my own as I can imagine if I told my own family they would castigate my daughter as they have me and throw her out as they have me, pronounce harsh judgment as they have me and brand her a sinner. That is not grace.
You know, when Jesus died he took this sin with Him on the cross and when he looks at her today, he sees his beloved child and smiles and says, "There's the apple of my eye, isn't she beautiful?" He doesn't see the ugliness of what she did. That is what I need to do and the grace I need to show her. Grace is forgiving the inexcusable. She can't undo what she did. She can't go back and undo it. Forgiveness is the only way. Grace is the only thing to do here. It won't do me or her any good to rehash it or punish her anymore. She has punished herself enough. We can only move past it and press on.
Thank you so much for your continued support and prayers. Please continue to pray for me and my wife and my precious daughter. :pray:

unimaginable mercy
 

I found some lines of a poem last night that sticks with me, mainly because I think it's what the church ought to be at its best. Czeslaw Milosz wrote:

Who among us would accept a universe in which there was not one voice

Of compassion, pity, understanding?

To be human is to be completely alien amid the galaxies.

Which is sufficient reason for erecting, together with others, the temples of an unimaginable mercy.

You are right. That is not grace! That is heartbreaking coldness! I cannot imagine treating family that way. :(:(:( :'(:'(:'(

You are also right about how Christ sees your beautiful daughter.
:love:

I agree with Vanessa!
 

You do sound like a great mom. :love:

I've come to this thread late, but I did want to shine a light on one thing that gives me pause...

This may well be the absolute right thing to do; however, one can easily see how such a promise -- made in the aftermath of a painful (and perhaps a bit embarrassing) youthful indiscretion...and very much in gratitude to a very cool and loving mom -- could come back to haunt all involved.

God knows I'm no parent, and please take this for whatever it's worth, but perhaps the marriage litmus test is unnecessary. How about: she promises to respect her body (very much including her heart and mind) enough to never give it to someone she does not respect and trust...someone she understands respects and trusts her, too.

Even then there's no guarantee, as many, if not most, of us can attest. One doesn't need to be 16 to mess up (though it certainly helps :D); love is always a gamble. You just wanna try to get the odds in your favor, no? ;)

I agree with David. We need to teach our children about the ideal. We also need to equip them with tools for handling reality. Png's daughter is 16. She definitely needs the kind of love and protection her mom is giving her. Eventually, as she comes into her majority and more maturity, she will also need some practical information about how sex fits into her life ... even if she has not yet found her life partner. Denying that sex is part of a single adult's life is a bit myopic, in my opinion.

(HUGE DISCLAIMER: Png, I am now talking in generalities and not about your daughter specifically. Only you and she know what's right to talk about, and I wouldn't presume to interject any of what follows into your conversations. I just feel it needs saying for all the people -- of any age -- who may be reading this thread.)

Tragedies occur when we fail to give that kind of education. Our kids need to know about birth control and protection from STDs. And they need to have it available so that when they do experiment with sex, which so many do, they will have a basic level of protection. "Just say no" never worked as a policy for drug education. It certainly won't work for sex education.

People mess up all the time and have sex under less than desirable circumstances. We put children in great peril when all we give them are romantic notions of love and sex. They need basic lessons in self-esteem both to avoid inadvisable sex and to rebound from it if it occurs. They also need basic information about protecting themselves from pregnancy and disease, so that their lives aren't further complicated by those physical realities. There are far greater sins than having sex out of wedlock. Let's not condemn our children to the deepest reegions of hell for what is a basic human appetite. PLEASE, I AM NOT ADVOCATING IRRESPONSIBLE SEX!! I think a bit of perspective is important, though.

I have often wondered how I would react if either of my two daughters ever got caught in a situation like this and here it is staring me in the face.

Then I came out and faced the harsh judgment of my family. I promised myself that NOTHING my two girls could EVER do to make me throw them out of my life. I might get mad as hell at them, but I would never throw them out of my life, stop loving them, or point a finger of judgment at them because I have been there and I know what it is like to be thrown out. I know what it is like to have my mom and dad not talk to me, and not invite me home for Christmas, or Thanksgiving. I know what is like to be forgotten for my birthday, and told that God is going to judge me for my sin. Hear me- I WILL NEVER DO THAT TO MY DAUGHTERS!

I need to be the grace that was not shown to me to my daughters.

RevCobb, can you share the rest of that poem?

I'm 16... and I haven't found myself in such a situation yet... but I know that you dealt with it the right way. If you got mad at her, she wouldn't in the future feel like she could go to you, now she knows that it's safe and she can trust you. If you got mad at her that could've been a long term problem.


Now because you were calm with her, you can trust that in the future, she will more likely then not, come to you before making a decision she may regret later. :love:


Bravo! You couldn't of done a better job :applause: