Living With a Bigot
 

Hello all,

I found out a couple days ago what my dorm roomie thinks about gays. The subject came up because we were talking about the waning popularity of cowboy movies, and then he said, "Well, except for that Brokeback Mountain, and people just have to see that because there are queers on it." Yet he claimed to have gay friends (we've all heard that one!) :rolleyes:

I have left numerous clues as to my sexuality from books lying around to raimbow jewelry galore (apparently the boy ain't too quick on the uptake).

I felt angry and afraid at the same time when he was saying what he did. Afraid that if he knew about me, there would be big time problems and I don't need any more of those, thank you. And angry at myself for allowing him to judge and dehumanize me.

Other than that, he's very nice and we get along. After May, when the semester ends, I won't have to live with him anymore. So how does one deal with living with homophobes? Is it best to keep one's sexuality under wraps for reasons of self-preservation, or does one reveal the secret and keep his or her integrity even if it costs dearly? Is it a bad thing to not tell him I'm gay? The subject may never even come up again, so is it worth it?

Are you living with a bigot?
 

From the sentence you include, he doesn't sound bigoted, but rather, someone who is either 1) oblivious as you suggest or 2) using the terminology that young gay folk seem to be adopting themselves these days. Queer is in, as in Queer Studies etc etc.

Now. You were there. Did his body language give you the impression, when the spoke the word 'queer', that it was a bad thing?

Another thought comes to mind.

3) He could have (in a clumsy way) have been trying to give you an opening to disclose yourself. He may indeed have gay friends, or at least aquaintances.

How much worth is it to you to come out to the guy? Are you afraid things could become very uncomfortable? Or is fear ruling you from the get-go?

He may be slow on the uptake, but that doesn't mean can't learn. ;)

Lastly. No. It's not a bad thing to not tell the guy you are gay. Self-preservation is important.

The truth? The guy probably knows but is playing 'Don't Ask Don't tell'.

I'm with Daniel on this.
 

It sounds like your roommate is using the word "queer" but not derogatory, but then again, I wasn't present so maybe it appeared differently. If you have any sense that he is uptight/grossed out about it, it could bring on problems for you to disclose. I always opt for safety, at least, physical safety. At my age, emotional safety does not concern me as much when it relates to coming out to someone, or confronting bigotry, because I feel like I have a good sense of who I am, and less bothers me emotionally. So, I would advise to always opt on the side of emotional safety, especially in a living situation. :love:

Ditto Daniel and Vanessa,

Also another variation is he may be gay himself. Some closeted types will throw out a negative to test the waters in which you swim to see if they would be safe for them to disclose themselves. As you experience first hand, being gay has it's moments of insecurity. You might try asking him some further questions to see where he really stands before being vulnerable to him.

Yep, excellent responses from all. I too was wondering if either your roomie thinks you might be gay and is figuring it out, or if he might be gay and wondering if you are too.

Well, none of us were there, so we can't tell. Be safe first of all. But be aware of the possibility that he might turn out to be a friend, or even be gay and closeted himself.

Sorry, I forgot to mention that he went on to say how disgusting gay sex is. Does that leave any room for doubt?? He may not be outright hostile to GLBT folks, but I was still offended by his remark. He's ignorant if anything.

I feel it's best in this case to let it go, because it's not something he rants about all the time, it's taken four months for the subject to come up and probably won't again. There is a time to speak up, but as the saying goes we have to choose our battles wisely.

Standard deflection
 

I agree with you. Let it ride. But I was struck by your opening sentences:
Yes, actually, some doubt. That kind of statement is often used by extreme closet cases to deflect attention from what they know in their hearts they really want. I think you're the best judge of the situation. And, as you said, it's only 'til May.

Fear
 

Consider putting it out there. Consider telling him you are gay. He may see the humanness of it because he is your friend. Give him some credit. Maybe he is up to the challenge to dogma?

Are you?

Some day you will be among friends where your being gay is a given. Work to be in that place, and obstacles to joy will disappear.

Their are queers on it? (does he mean their are queers in it or maybe it is about queers?)

I think you are dealing with what might not be the brightest bulb but I don't see him causing you any problems. In fact he might be embarrassed about the statement when you come out to him. I left my brother lots of clues not all intentional and he was surprised. I've been out to my parents for years and have had conversations around him but he just couldn't see through the fog of the suggestion that someone is straight because they aren't so gay a rainbow follows them... Toucan Sam hummm....

Also as has been pointed out he may just be protesting too much.

been there, done that
 

As scary as it seems maybe the best thing to do is to tell him that you are gay, I am sure he knows considering he has seen the gay jewelry and such. If he had an issue with gay I tink he would have tried someting nasty by now.

Next time he is talking or you two talk I would casually bring up the fact that "straight sex is gross" and "I have a lot of straight friends" if he brings up sex or gayness again. Be prepared that he may ask you intimate details and such about being gay and you may have to educate him about private things and sterotypes, etc.

My co-worker is very strict Catholic and I was SURE that he would have a problem with me being a lesbian. I had heard him and others talk about "if gay people get the right to marry, what else will they want?" and other boarderline homophobic remarks. Finally, I did tell him(cause I got tired of hiding my wife away and lying all the time)and surprise, he has turned out to be the most loyal of supports for me. He was a bit freaky at first, but after he asked me a WHOLE bunch of questions and I answered, he said "I have never had a lesbian friend before" I told him he probably had more gay friends than he knew of. I know other gay people(including my wife) who say that if he wants to know about gay people to read a book or whatever and that he is out of bounds asking, but I used it as an opourtunity to educate and I am very pleased with the results.

Either way, good luck and blessings to you:D

It's about what's most comfortable for YOU. By the time I made it to college, I was starting to be done with the whole closet thing. Like, VERY done. My freshman year roommate...the VERY first thing I learned about him and his family was that they were all republicans and Bush supporters. I overheard (not when I was actually in the room, but on my way out) him watching the debates and calling Kerry a fag. Eventually, we ended up smoking outside together (nasty habit, and I don't anymore) and I just started telling him about my boy troubles. (There had been drama with his girlfriend that I was involved in by virtue of her calling the room at 2 am when I had class early the next day). And, he did end up being a lot better with it than I thought he was. The other side of it, though, is that I decided that if anyone was going to be uncomfortable, it was him. Cause, I'm me and I like me and eff him if he can't deal with that. In my case, we ended up getting along a lot better once it was out there. In your case, I think it depends a lot about your boundaries. If he's making you uncomfortable regularly, or you find yourself hiding things around him, or not bringing dates home or whatever because he's there, that's problematic. If it's just a nonissue, and you don't feel that you're not being yourself in your home, then maybe you just let it go until may (or possibly until it comes up again, if it does). I think the general resolution in another thread was that it's the same with the questions he might have if you do come out: it's about your personal boundaries. I'm a ridiculously open person with most of my friends, so most of the questions people are going to ask me, I don't mind answering. If they're based on assumptions that aren't necessarily true (even if they are true for me), I make sure to point that out, but everyone (in relation to anything, not just the gay) needs to be able to tell someone "that's a personal question that you really don't need to know the answer to".