Hi, I'm Victor
I'm Victor... I'm just 14 and I am Brazilian, and most people here are quite homophobic. They often just joke about homosexuals but many times they show "pity" for them or think it is something that is gross (my family included). Though, I think my family knows I'm gay... I have known it myself since I remember. I always knew who I was. I always liked things girls liked, I have always been different from other boys... I always liked boys.
I am lost... I really don't know if I wanna, need, should or even would be homosexual or if I should just stay alone for the rest of my life and pursue celibacy... I read the articles on this website and I really wanna believe homosexuality was never mentioned in the bible and that God really doesn't mind it and will love me the same way and that I can still inherit the kingdom of Heaven even though I'm different... even if I can't bring to this world any children like God wanted from the beginning... I just wanna make God happy!
Then again, if I can ever get over this and, let's say, "pursue" homosexuality instead of celibacy, then I don't understand what rules would apply... I mean, should one stay virgin until they marry a male (and would this be correct? would God bless it?) and then have sexual relationships, or just no, because as I have heard people preach saying "No, anal sex is dirty. God hates it. It's so dirty. The proof to it is that's from where poop comes out" O_o (I don't know if I wanna laugh at this, believe it, or cry... O_o)
I have thought many times to myself "what if it really is an abomination to be a homosexual and enjoy a male partner rather than a female one, like God first wanted it to be like... God made them compatible!"
I just can't understand why God made me this way... and why homosexuals are something that are apparently new to the Earth... why? I'm lost! I don't know what to believe in... I am lost! I need answer to my questions... I need comfort... but I am so afraid of coming out to my parents... our relationship will be so different, I'm sure... maybe not with my mom, but with my dad? It sure will. My family will reject me... I'm quite sure... and even if they say they're okay with it, they obviously see homosexuality as something strange, and they will look at me differently. I just wanna be myself and be seen the same way... I want God to love me like this, but I don't know if he does. I've prayed so many times so that he could "fix" me, or change me, but it never happened, and there must be a reason for that! right?. I need help ):
There is a lot in your post to respond to. First off: you are not the first young to realize from an early age that he is attracted to boys. Gay people have been around as long as there is recorded history.
Second: it sounds like your family is religiously conservative. And that they have conservative, if not, uneducated ideas about gay people and sex.
How about let's jump into the sex part?
Anal sex is practiced by straight and gay people. In fact, is some cultures anal sex for straight people is their way of practicing contraception. Thing is, no one likes to talk about these things. It's not that anal sex is dirty, but rather, that all sex is considered by some to be dirty.
BTW: not all gay men practice anal sex. It's quite an individual matter. That said, the prostate, located just inside the anal canal, can give a man intense pleasure. Of course, learning to experience this is best done with one's partner wearing a condom for the simple reason that it can protect one against STD's and HIV. It's the same deal for straight people too. Unless one is with one monogamous partner, protected sex is safer sex.
And let's use some logic here. If anal sex is 'dirty', what about the penis and vagina? Pee come out of there. And isn't THAT dirty?
The thing is: we can make something dirty or we can make it beautiful. It all depends on one's point of view- especially as personal desires go.
Now to religion. When I was your age (I am 52 young whipper snapper), I also thought that God wanted me to be celibate. I even though of being a priest. It took me a while to realize that those feelings had more to do with my fears than with being called by God to serve in the priesthood.
The bible says that the Kingdom of Heaven is within. To me, that means that no matter what others many think of you, nothing can change your nature- that is- the love that is inside you. Of course, since you are attracted to other men, your love is going to be expressed differently. But it's still love. Real love.
And who says you can't have children? Gay people can - and do- adopt, or have children with surrogates. This idea that gay people should not be parents is a very uneducated view. In fact, many gay people- if you think very carefully about it, are often in charge of the raising of children, from teaching in school, to teaching in the arts. Gay people are responsible for passing on to new generations the Arts, Music, Literature etc. In fact, I will be bold here and say that, without gay people, there would be no culture!
About God's Love. If you sit quietly over a period of time, that is, quieting your worrying mind, you will undoubtedly find that the Still Small Voice in your heart does not condemn you for wanting to experience love with another man any more than it condemns a straight boy for wanting to experience love with a girl.
Now. You could try to reshape your desires, that is, try to become straight, or least, act straight. But this is a terrible path to take for the simple reason that sexuality is not a matter of choice. Sure. Anyone can sleep with anyone, but we're talking about matters of the heart here, not about making OTHER people feel better in their ignorance.
I would hold off dealing with your family for a while. Wait until you have a better sense of yourself, and you have a support system, that is, a 3D community of friends you can rely on. You need that more than anything.
Wishing you much happiness,
You are loved by God
You are a brave young man. God gave you the gift to share intimate love. He made you with the capacity to love another fellow because He created another of His children who is gay also...and this fellow needs you. Look for him....and when the two of you meet and share love, God will smile, like a parent watching his children opening a gift on Christmas morning.
Honor God's gift of the capacity for intimacy by sharing the joy with another of His gay children.
Imagine Christ coming upon a village square. He sees a crowd of people throwing stones. The target is two young men who have been caught sharing love.
What would He do? Would He pick up a stone and join in?
Or would He rush to them to protect them?
"He who has not sinned throw the first stone!"
I believe He would soothe them with tears of compasion. Thank them for sharing his gift of love and say something like: "Come with me and be safe."
God does not create second class humans. You have the same entitlement to share intimate love with the one for whom you have passion as another who was given this capacity for the opposite gender. God wants you to feel joy from His gift, not pain and loneliness.
People may get gratification by oppressing others and causing pain but God does not. God has infinite compasion and love.
It is difficult to experience at this tender young age the violence of homophobic oppression. I experienced it when I was your age. (now i'm 46)
You need not lose your soul to the oppression, but some violence will be done to it. Overcome the fear of this violence by resisting.
You are not alone. Build your network of support at a gay-affirming church, here at soulforce and other places. The folks here usually have good suggestions.
One young man here used Christ's example. When he came out to his mother she slapped his face. He was silent and turned the other cheek for her to slap as well. She wept and asked for forgiveness. You might respond to a verbal "slap" by silently turning your cheek and pointing to it. This communicates nonviolence in subtle ways.
What happens to us (gay fellows) all too commonly is that we grow up being told we are worthless deviants. Then somebody comes and exploits our self-perceived worthlessness. We accept this treatment which beats our self worth even further.
What is miraculous is when some one who really cares sees the shining boy inside you. And then with this person's help you learn to see the shining boy yourself.
I found these to be my true spiritual epiphanies. You are a man with a soul of a man. Worthy and handsome of body and spirit. As gay fellas we belong to a brotherhood of commonality. I feel this bond of healing with many of my brothers. Something we create that most straight fellas will never know.
Thanks for answering my questions :)
That's true! I also think so (in regards to sex). Though, to have sex, I, personally, wanna be married. And then, would God bless such gay marriage?
Everything you said really makes sense and it makes me happy! :) I am pretty such God wouldn't have created me as a homosexual if he didn't want me to be one! ^^ But then again, why would he? Haha, I guess no one really knows.
I am indeed going to hold off dealing with my family for awhile... Maybe until it is necessary, who knows.
Thank you very much =)
I am pretty sure you're right! I wish society would think like you =/
Wow, that's intense (regarding the son-coming-out-to-his-mom-story)! But I think my mom would be ok with me being gay. Haha, I think she kinda knows... I mean, how can a mom not know when her own son is gay when he is quite effeminate since he was a baby?! I think she knows but doesn't want to ask me because it would be odd lol
Thanks =) I really want to find a partner... though, it's kinda hard! Plus, apparently, or at least from what I see here, most gays are just looking for hook-ups or short relationships, which is sad! Hopefully someday I will find someone who is looking for the same things as I am =)
Thank you very much for your reply! It helped me a lot =D
Great post, Daniel!
But one point.
Sex is disgusting except in two circumstamces:
Two physically perfect people.... and yourself!:D:D
Otherwise Your gradparents having sex? UGHHH How about tortoises?
"Come on baby! Gimme some shell!":lol::lol:
The point is imagining someone else having sex usually is a HUZZ! or ridiculous
But to them it is beautiful! and unless you are joining in, it is not your business.
Just as it is no one's business about your sexual loving.
The problem with being a parent is that to them, just last week you were seven years old in second grade and had just had the training wheels taken off your bike. Back then your parents were completely responsible for everything about you.
I'm a middle-aged man seven years ago I was still a middle-aged man. and it seems like last week. 14 years ago I was 32! Old by your standards! and you were just born. Your parents are struggling with the physical and emotional and mental growth you are showing!
They have been taught to Oppress gay people by their church. They are as much a victim of homophobia as you are.
You will come to be their teacher. You will have to help them to find courage. This is a big challenge for a 14 year old, But you will be up to it.
Just as each of us has our challenges set, we can either fear them and dread them with aversion or we can meet them giving all we have got to champion our spirit. At 14 you have trmemdous spirit! You will make your parents and yourself proud!
Victor, I wrote a short story about a 15 year old comming out I think you will like it
Society is changing and getting kinder all the time. You are a part of this change, this history. In 15 years you will be talking to a young gay man of fourteen, telling him of the challenges when you were a teenager. You have what it takes to thrive!
I am just a little afraid now of never finding someone I can love or never having someone to love me back =/ I have never met any gay couples! At least the ones I know are all "hook-ups" or short relationships and that really scares me!
Now I guess I just have to face some years and then I can come out to my parents. Hopefully by then I will be with someone already, haha!
Have you been together with someone for very long?
I have been with my husband for 15 years. However, it was not the first 'big' relationship for either of us.
No one can know what another person's relationship is like, or what it means to be in one until one lives through it. Best I can say is that a long term relationship takes a lot of work and good communications skills. And these are things one learns as one goes along.
There are no perfect relationships. Nor are they perfect lovers. That's my own perspective. Partners can look pretty wonderful when one is in the first blush of love. And then, once the first bloom is off the rose, that is when the real love starts.
Some gay men have monogamous relationships, while others do not. I hesitate myself to give moral judgments to them for the simple reason that no two couples are alike. And waiting to have a 'big' relationship- that is -get married- is- in our day and age- rather impractical. I am not advising you to go out and have a roll in the hay. What I am saying is this: loading all your expectations and desires onto a would-be partner creates a great deal of stress. This is something to consider.
Good relationships take skill. And one only gets this skill by practice. It's like learning a language. You don't master it overnight.
It makes sense! Thanks =) I really hope to have a longterm relationship someday, but I won't be I stressed about it yet.
I have had monogamous (monoandrous) experience, and hook-ups and pretty much the gamut of relationship experience. 46 years is a long time to be this dead sexy!!!:lol::lol::lol:
For me, I found that I fall in love easily. I am in love with 5 other beautiful people. We are not monogamous. Two of my lovers live with me and the other three live in different parts of the country. It is called polyamory, meaning in love with multiple people. Polyamory is not for everyone. I am the only openly polyamorous person on this forum.
Loving one person is complicated enough! Try juggling five relationship!!:rolleyes::laughing:
But love is real. You will know it when it happens....and it is different each time. And someone will love you back and adore you for the shining boy you are! And your heart will be broken. But don't fear..... hearts were meant to be loved and were meant to be broken. It's living!
Sorry it has been so long since your original post. I haven't checked in on the forums for awhile. I hope you are still around.
People have a choice. They can choose to be homophobic and can choose to interpret the Bible in a way that demeans gay people. or they can choose to be loving and affirming and chose to interpret the Bible in a way that values all relationships. As for me, I am going to choose to be affirming and supportive. If I err, it will be on the side of love, not hate.
You asked what rules guide gay relationships. I say exactly the same ones that guide straight relationships. I take my guidance from the Bible and see that the advice there is beneficial to all people, not just one group.
I too was attracted to guys as long as I could remember. Even though I was taught that it was wrong, I couldn't ever see exactly why it was wrong. It didn't seem wrong. It took a long time for me to finally listen to God and come to the realization that He made me gay and that it was a good thing.
We all need to rejoice that God has made us all so different and so wonderfully diverse.
I pray God's blessings will come to you on your journey through life.
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