Holiday Blues
 

Does anyone else get severely depressed around the holidays? I just felt like a zombie at my family gathering. And throughout the week. And I'm not even sure why, and I feel guilty, because I know I have much to be thankful for, and that many have far more reason to be down and out.

Maybe I feel this way because the holidays have been so watered down by materialism that they lose their meaning for me, or the thought that we talk about kindness and giving one month out of the year, knowing things will then go right back to business as usual. Maybe it's because I was the only single person over 18 at the gathering, or that I feel increasingly isolated from my family as the lone "gay." Or a combo of all the above...

Can anyone relate, and can you share how you cope??

I do wish all a very blessed Christmas, Solstice, Hannakah, Kwanzaa, etc.

I've been feeling a bit down this year.

In August, my first cat Chessie passed away from a heart issue he had, and I've been missing him so much since. There are times I think he knew me better than I knew myself.

Also, this year, I'm staying home for Christmas. Originally, I was planning on driving the hour up to my parents' house for the day. However, my brother (a sheriff deputy back home) is on duty this afternoon and evening. So, we're putting off dinner and presents at our parents' house until sometime in January.

Plus, my being single has gotten me down a bit, especially when I get to thinking about the guy I proposed to almost three years ago who turned out to be lying to me about being single. He'd already moved his ex-boyfriend back in with him.

Even though I'd mentioned to several friends that I was staying home for Christmas, nobody even asked if I wanted to come over for the day or anything, leaving me feeling like I'm not wanted or something.

But, at least I'm not really alone as I still have Casey Jones (my second cat) and Smokey (my third cat who I adopted in September). We'll spend the day watching Christmas movies and TV specials and listening to Christmas music. For dinner, I'll be carving the Christmas pizza.

Appreciation
 

Appreciation of what we have is sometimes elusive.

It's a wonderful Life is a great movie for those of us who are having this difficulty.

Imagine a family member, your mother or someone close to you having died in an accident. focus on the loss you would feel. Go very deep with this. Imagine your heartache, your regrets, your last words and hardened feelings. Play out the funeral and the months after of day after day of grief. spend 20 minutes on this exercise. say out loud what conversations you would have and fill in the responses out loud also.

Now imaigine being able to go back in time and prevent that accident.

Well here you are! And life is infact 99.9% perfect now, because you now see and appreciate what you have. Use this to help let go of your pain and loneliness, a suffering created by your heart.

The above exercise allows your mind to have compassion for the suffering of your heart and feel that suffering together. The act of self-compassion though inner drama releases the attachment to suffering to your heart.

The problem is not that we desire too much. The problem is that we do not desire enough! That we do not desire what we have until it is taken from us.

Learn to desire what you have, Like your handsome young face, or good teeth, healthy lust, a full head of hair, friends who love you and value your presence, a great orgasm, a warm bed and safe place to live.



Write them down and inagine what it would be like if they were taken away. Imagine if a melanoma disfigured you face or testicular cancer took away the ability to have sex. Feel the absence of the gifts you have and realize that yes, indeed my life is 99.9% perfect and yelp in the joy of your present good fortune!

And appreciate that you have the capacity to realize this! Your are a magnificent shining boy with no limits to what you can make your life become!

Happy Yule!

In my opinion, Christmas is a time when it is very easy to feel lonely. It is just as easily a time to feel loved. Each year I look around at all that I have and am SO grateful, I also look around and see what is missing.

My grandparents are my blessing, they arrive and make our Christmas magical. My mom makes everyday beautiful and my sis and I are locked at the hip. I could not help but note that I miss my brother and sister-in-law terribly. Also, that my "step-dad" was supposed to be living here, but that did not work out.

We can look at the things that worked out or at the things that didn't. I enjoyed my Christmas throughly, I started crying three or four times, and I chose to worry about the good and not the bad. The ability to do this has a great deal to do with the situation, but it's how I enjoyed my Christmas.

Being thankful