It seems they've found me out.
Hello Soul force. My name is Alex Arthurs. Tomorrow I am meeting with the dean of my school; Smith. He has said it is because of internet communication, that he has some serious concerns with. As I've made no effort to hide my sexuality, I can only assume that it's sites like this. I also talked to my ex, my gay friends, etc. through other sites. The school has a policy that kicks LGBT people as soon as they are found out... Not only that, but people who support LGBT rights as well, or supports a "homosexual lifestyle." I was going to deny everything at first, but no... That won't work. I've realized I need to help change this place.
I always thought that this kind of discrimination was illegal, to be honest. I figured someone had taken the fall; but I realize something now... I need to come in, guns blazing. I need to tell him all that we're about, and all that I know and love. I need to make this place see that gay isn't about who gets to have the most butt-sex, and that they're all abominations against God. I need to get these people to see its for one, about love, for two, not a sin, and for three, not a conscious choice at any rate.
As I look outside, I notice something... The first snowfall of the year... I've always loved the snow... It's almost like God is trying to tell me something... New beginnings, or maybe just reaffirming what I know I have to do. At any rate, I suppose I'm going to be a martyr, here. I'm taking the fall, but I may just plant a seed of tolerance and love in the dean's head.
This is who I am, this is what I enjoy being. This is what I'm comfortable with. If no one's going to stand up for this injustice here, I suppose I will. Everyone, please pray for me... Please... I've never needed it more... And if I succeed, in any manner, we're one step closer to our mission here... I'm gay, I'm proud, and I'm not some godless heathen either.
I've actually cried more today than I have in my entire life... My tears have run dry... When I get kicked out, which is extremely likely, my life is over. All my scholarships will be gone. I won't be able to get the job I've wanted my entire life. I'll be lucky to work at McDonald's. But if I can even help change the world one little bit for the better, my sacrifice will be worth it. Again, please, please, please. I need all the prayer I can get right now. Thank you for your time. Let's pray for open-mindedness here at Cedarville University, and that I'll know the right words to say, because I've never stood up for myself like this; not against my parents, not against my friends, and not even close to against a professional like this.
I am open, receptive, and available to Spirit as my life. I am always guided to give and receive the best.
I surrender to the grace of life. I let go and allow life to live abundantly through me as and me.
I live my life from the vibration of gratitude. I am grateful for this breath. I am grateful for all this day brings me. I am grateful for all the good in my life.
I affirm the life of God as my life now. Living as the life of God, all needs are met. Living as the life of God, I am at peace.
Alex, I grieve for the pain Cedarville is causing you. Cedarville's policies strike me as not only spiritually abusive but rather cult like in the depth to which they have attempted to control your life.
I hope you knew that others like soulforce were with you in our spirit and hearts even though it appears you did not receive a reply before your meeting with the dean.
As a gay survivor of a couple of evangelical schools (Westmont College and Fuller Seminary), I know that you have lost a lot through this process. I hope you can realize that this is not the end, however. The community's message that "it gets better" is true, but it also is survivable now.
There are scholarships available related to being gay
and Bipolar/Schizo disorders.
There are schools out there where you can be accepted and loved as the furry gay man that you are. Most likely, these schools will actually give you a better chance of getting the job you want than Cedarville ever could have (one of the things they don't tell prospective Christian college students is that a degree from a Christian college, even a top flight one, isn't going to provide the networking that leads to most jobs. Most people you encounter will never have heard of Cedarville, and so a degree from there would start you at a disadvantage in landing a job anyway.)
It is my hope and prayer that you will be able to look back at this as your chance to get out of a really horribly toxic environment, so that you can begin to live your life rather than the life that this small sect of the Baptist church and your parents have planned for you. I do not mean to minimize how much things likely suck for you right now, but there IS a way through this, and you don't have to be alone in walking that journey.
May you find the strength to continue this journey, knowing that we are here for you,
Rev. Darren McDonald
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