Ken,
Like Nathan, I come from a very fundamentalist family, Southern Baptist. When I first realized I was a lesbian, I struggled with it for years before accepting myself. I was married to a man and had two daughters. Then I came out to myself, my girlfriend, and to God (like it was news to HIM). I hid this fact for 3 years from my family, although, they had their suspicions since I left my husband and moved in with my girlfriend. I got questions like, "Is she ever gonna find a husband?" or "Does she date anyone?", or "Why don't you try to get married again?" I thought to myself, "Yes she is dating someone, ME, and sleeping with me, too?" Finally, I came out to my two sisters, who summarily preached to me for 2 years, and then stopped talking to me. They told my brother, who has nothing to do with me, anyway. My sisters begged me not to tell my mother, because she would have a heart attack and die. One day, my mother came out and asked me if I was a lesbian, and I said, "Yes I am". My father called me and ranted at me for 2 hours one Saturday evening. He said that I was deceived, deluded and seduced. He said that if my children succeeded in life, it would be spite of me not because of me. He said that he doubted whether or not I was really saved, because I was choosing to live in sin... That was 3 years ago.
They don't know I married my girlfriend in September, 2004 in Canada. They refuse to allow me to come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas with my wife. I am not allowed around my niece and nephews. I get no birthday cards, and my family has not seen me in 3 years. They never call me. I have tried to call at least once a month, but like Keltic, we talk about everything BUT my wife, my life, my lesbianism. It is the proverbial elephant in the room. And then 5 minutes into the call, my mother conveniently makes up an excuse to have to go suddenly. There is always a roast burning in the oven... ( even at 10 p.m.)
Nathan hit the nail on the head-if they can't deal with the fact that I am gay, then its their problem, not mine. I refuse to give up the love of my life, for people who , even if I wasn't gay, would contribute NOTHING to my life. I refuse to live my life in a way that would make THEM comfortable, but make ME miserable. I refuse to believe in their God who hates me. I choose to believe in a God who loves me unconditionally, accepts my gayness, and has gone to great lengths to prove His love for me.
It gets lonely at holiday time, but my wife has been just wonderful. We go on trips so I don't have to be alone. She has sacrificed time with her family so we can be together. Her family is a different story. Her brother is gay, and lives with his partner in Abilene. He came out about 10 years ago. Her father outed her-asked her if we were married. She said yes. They are ok with it, but don't want anyone else to know. So they accept us, but it is kinda like the "retarded relative" that is kept in a back room somewhere, and not talked about. (Sorry if that offends anyone) At family gatherings, I am not introduced as her wife, I am the "family friend". So is her brother's partner. Sometimes I am not introduced at all. My wife and I have fought several rounds about this, and I am to the point where, if she doesn't acknowledge who I am, I am going to do it myself and it won't be so pretty or polite. ("Yeah, we're friends with benefits.", or "We sleep together", or "This is my wife, that's right, don't look shocked, she is my wife." )
It's not that she is ashamed of me, she is afraid of her mother being embarrassed. My point is if she were married to a man, her mother would have no problem at all introducing him as her husband. She agrees, but is too scared of her mother being embarrassed. What to do?
Anyway, that's my saga....
