[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by Daniel

Though I see my family from time to time, I consider myself estranged from them. The reason for this, of course, is that they are- for the most part- conservative christians. They have a hard time with my being gay.

. One is met with silence.

So- in brief- while we see each other in body, I have struggled my whole life with a feeling of disconnection. Of course, they have too.

It's a matter that's never far from my mind.

Originally Posted by keltic63

let's talk about the weather. let's talk about what happened at the school board meeting. let's talk about doctor's appointments, and what kind of gas mileage we're getting, and how much the electric bill was this month. But don't dare mention how thrilled I am with my relationship, how much I love my boyfriend, or even that we had a delicious dinner at the home of another gay couple.

Neither one of us have told our parents about our Commitment Ceremony. He we are, excitedly planning for our big day, and we can't imagine how we're going to tell our parents. We "see" our parents regularly. Scott sees his mom and dad nearly every day. I see mine at least once a week. Shouldn't it be easy to announce that we're getting married? nope, we've been conditioned, much like B.F. Skinner showed with pigeons and Pavlov with his dogs, talk about anything gay, and the room goes silent. How can people in such close proximity be so far apart?

Originally Posted by Daniel

We did tell our families- one sibling of mine sent a horrible letter stating that she didn't think men should be allowed to marry one another, my parents sent a card, and from the rest of my siblings: nada. Not a word. Hubby's elderly mother was a dear- but was not able to come because of her health.

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Originally Posted by KennethJ

T

Right now how I am feeling is that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE should ever be put in this situation. No one should have to choose between him/herself and their unaccepting family. I devote way too much energy to this conundrum which I cannot win. I could be developing myself in other ways, but instead I spend my days wondering if it is possible to have a relationship with my family and retain an ounce of love for myself. I have had absolutely no support from anyone in my family. I love them dearly, but can't bare the thought of continuing to put on the mask they think is me (the person they are able to tolerate and accept). It's just too difficult... and results in some really messed up states of mind. For a long time, this is what I did, and I developed really debilitating conditions, and at my most vulnerable time, my sisters actually told me that I caused it because of my SIN.
I just split myself in half trying to maintain a relationship with them and also be true to myself. I ultimately crashed, had a breakdown and took 3 months off work.

I'm tired of being a doormat and I reject any god that thinks I need to kill my true self in order to be whole or holy.

Originally Posted by NathanATX

Dear one...
You MUST learn to set strong boundaries with your family or anyone who might take advantage of their relationship with you in order to cause you emotional/mental/spiritual harm.

My mother is extremely fundamentalist.

She has been incredibly emotionally violent towards me because of my sexuality. She has literally been emotionally and mentally abusive.

Thats what it is, ABUSE. Call the shit what it is. And don't let them get away with it.


Peace,
Nate

Originally Posted by BenL

KennethJ,

I'm a gay man married to a transman. Charley, my spouse, began transition from female to male two and a half years ago. When he/we told our son and daughter, who are grown and out of the house, what Charley was doing, both children reacted very angrily.

We haven't spoken to our daughter since. She demanded that we stay out of her life. Last month she and her husband moved to the UK without telling us. We only found out a week or two ago from her brother.

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This thread should be required reading for every undergraduate in public university in the country.

I'm in that "no word" place, again, and forcing fingers to keyboard because this subject is too important to drop just because it's literally so heavy I can barely lift my hands to type.

I am just - devastated! - at the combined stories from so many of you, who have become my beloved friends in our months and years foruming. To them, I could add further stories of the friend who came out at 16 only to be told to get out of the house, and the friends whose parents still urge them to attend the ex-gay ministries - or my own cousin who was officially "dead" to the family for over 3 decades because he was gay so moved 2000 miles away and created a family of choice to replace us.

We attended a wedding yesterday. As the vows concluded and the just-married couple embraced and retreated hand-in-hand down the aisle, the crowd of combined friends and family rose in joyful standing ovation. Later, I thought of the contrast between the way their vows were received and the way Daniel's family responded to his wedding. I told hubby about the way Daniel's family refused to acknowledge his marriage. DH just looked grave and shook his head, saying sadly, 'that is the essence of the problem right there.' It makes me want to cry that something so important, so joyful, so fundamental to our lives could be ignored, passed-over, treated as shameful - - when it deserves to be celebrated.

Steve and Scott - I hope you will soon overcome your inhibitions about sharing your engagement with your family. I hope they will respond gracefully. The step you are taking is absolutely sacred, and deserves to be held the utmost regard. I hope those close to you respond with the dignity and respect you deserve.

What steps can we take to overcome these problems? I think everyone deserves time and second chances. But mental health is paramount, and if someone is constantly putting you down, you need to not hear those messages.

I love each of you very much, and will hold you and your families in my prayers.

Much love,
Zerbie