[Daniel]

Kenneth- I'm finding the matter of estrangement from biological family to be a life-long journey. And now that I am nearing the half-century mark, certain things have come into perspective.

For one thing, I've made a life for myself, one which hasn't depended on my family. At first, when I was in my 20's, I was royally pissed off that my parents didn't 'understand' me, or 'get' what I was doing. In time, I realized that they hardly understood themselves, much less me. And at that point, I started to see them as people- not my parents. I guess this helped me have a bit of compassion for them- and for myself. I started to pull on them less. Let them off the hook- so to speak.

My parents are in their late 70's now. And I cut them a hell of a lot of slack: their concerns have changed radically in the last few years.

When I was in my mid 30's, I somehow got the idea that I needed to start telling them what I wanted to hear from them: "I love you." Words not in usage at the time. I thought: "Hell! Why am I waiting for them to tell me this? I'm the one who knows what I want.....so I better go first". So I did. Scared the shit out of me. But I did it: I started telling them that I loved them when we talked on the phone. The first three or four times there was silence on the other end. And then the words were croaked back to me in a far away voice. And I thought....."Well....that's a start".

Have we progressed a great deal beyond this? Not really. A little here and there over the years, small changes over a long period of time. While I once dreamed of a grand verbal acceptance, I now know it may never be possible because mine is not a family that 'talks'. At least not in the way that I've come to regard communication- a skill I've had to learn on my own. And their faith- combined with their fears- keep them from from able to engage in conversation about these matters easily. That said, I'm open to being suprised. Does it matter to me? Yes. Do I fuss about it? From time to time. Does it rule my life like it once did? No.

I feel my sometime need for acceptance is a hunger which I have to feed by giving what I want to have. Yes....it's all backwards as far as the world is concerned, which demands that we have what we deserve- now! But I take it as one of the curious things about love. It turns things inside out.

No matter what, I will go to my grave knowing something of the meaning of three little words.