Originally Posted by pnggrad79
Are you really happy with your wife? I know there is more to marriage than just sex, but that has to be difficult for you considering your admission that you are gay. If you feel more comfortable answering this in a private message, please feel free. If you don't feel comfortable of course you don't have to share this with me at all. I would totally understand. I have a dear friend of mine who is married with 3 boys in his 50's who is gay and has had a really hard time being faithful to his wife, whom he admits he does not love, but staying with her for convenience and not wanting to disrupt the family, but he is markedly miserable, and I feel for him.
I know this has to be hard for you and if you feel comfortable discussing it, I am here. I care about you and want you to be happy.
Your sons, if they love you, will ultimately come around, I hope. How long has it been since you told them you were gay?
No, so far I don't mind discussing this...I trust the people around here and wonder if it doesn't maybe help others to hear this discussed, I know I'm not unique. Am I "happy with my wife?" Not a simple answer. Sure, you are right that "there is more to marriage than just sex." Of course, there is more to being gay than just sex also. I love my wife and believe she loves me. Neither of our love for the other is ideal, but then, I doubt such a thing exists. Bottom line is I don't believe it's all about me and and it's hard to know where to draw the line, so to speak. I'm not talking about being a martyr, there's something delusional about that. But there is self sacrifice in love, on both ends. My wife want's to stay together, she calls me her one and only, so it would hurt her if I left. She would feel dumped. It's complicated, impossible to explain in a few short sentences. The question for me is not so much "do I want to stay with her" as it is "can I stay with her and what is the right, loving thing to do?" For years I worked enormously hard at being faithful to her, and failed. It's still hard now for me to say I couldn't help myself. That contradicted every thing I believed. Of course I could help myself, I just wasn't trying hard enough, or I was missing something or.... I strung myself along forever that way. I even had scripture: "that which I would not do, that do I do...who will rescue me from this body of death..? I thank God, Jesus Christ..." When I accepted my ssa, the compulsion to act on that attraction dropped away. Not that I lost my ssa, just that that can't help myself part was gone. I think it's very ironic (and forgive me to others who find me a broken record, I know I've said this elsewhere) that when it became okay for me to be gay I was no longer compelled to act gay (so to speak). You have to understand, it is relatively new to me for me to accept being gay and yet be free from that compulsive drive. A year ago I would have probably told you the right thing for me to do is to separate from my wife just to protect her from me (my penchant for failing when it came to being faithful sexually). But that part of the equation seems to be gone, I am able to be faithful now that I am not trying to be straight. You see, for 30 years all I wanted was to be able to resist my ssa. I didn't believe in such a thing as "gay." I was "wounded, bent, deviant"...you know all the words we are taught to describe our ssa. Once I rejected those words and accepted myself things flipped around. Now I'm faithful and honest but gay, vs. unfaithful, lying and straight. Gads, I am rambling, I hope I am making some sense? Things are relatively new as far as I'm concerned. I am examining and won't just kick my wife to the curb. I couldn't be happy hurting her. I am currently looking for a counselor for us, think we need one?