You are not rambling, at least that I can see. You make some good points. However, have you read Mel White's book, Stranger at the Gate? He describes how being married to a woman and being gay for many years almost destroyed him. He decided that to be honest about who he was and to truly show love to his wife was to divorce her and let her find someone who could love her like she needed to be loved and he could pursue his ssa with another man and be happy. They remain great friends and she is one of his strongest supporters. I am not suggesting you do that, this is your journey, but it seems to be that your ssa is not going away and I think you are not only cheating yourself but you are cheating your wife. I think you two could remain great friends, but have a love life that is satisfying to both of you with different partners. Just a suggestion as something for you to consider. I hope I didn't offend you and you have probably already considered that. Married people need to seek that which is best for the other person, not what is best for themselves.
After I had the affair with my wife, I realized that sex with a man would not only be a tremendous disappointment to me, I couldn't make myself do that again especially when I had found what filled me up with a woman and not a man. If you are gay, you won't be truly fulfilled mentally, emotionally, or sexually until you live out this part of who you are. The longer you deny yourself, the worse it will get.
Again I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds. These are just things for you to think about. Read Mel's book if you haven't already.
If everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day when nobody died. IF EVERYONE CARED/Nickelback