I wanted to thank everyone for their support and kind words. I feel like I am making friends here. Today is a really lousy day for me. Without going into all of the details, simply stated I had a fight (again) with my gf and I left the house saying mean things. When I got to a place I could be quite and think and pray I realized than most of the problem that I have in my relationship with her is that I still have so much self loathing. Even though I have been open with most people around me for three years now I still feel so much shame. Why? I ask myself that everyday. When I pray I feel unworthy to speak to God. I have read every article (I think) on this website and believe the words in my head but I don't feel them in my heart. Today I prayed in earnest that I would begin to have some peace. If I don't I don't know what will happen to me.
I haven't cried so hard as I am today in a very long time. I am scared that unless I can accept this "thing" that I feel that I am and love myself then my love for her will die and I will push her away even more than I have already. I don't know what I have done to make me not feel Gods love anymore.