((( Juls )))
What a terrible way to feel.
I'm sorry.
Acknowledge that you feel pretty crummy right now, and at the same, do what is in your power to feel more secure, more at peace. Deliberately cultivate joyfulness and cheerfulness.
I agree with Daniel. A sincere apology to your beloved for the things you said that were hurtful, and lovingly talk things out with her. And definitely have some fun in your life.
Do something that will allow you to feel freely flowing joy. Delight. Energy. Maybe go dancing? Or maybe spend some time in nature. Spend some time playing, and practice letting go. Just play.
Then take all those complicated feelings and confused thoughts, and offer them up to God. It's your heart and your sincerity that matter, not having the 'right' answers or doing 'the right things' on the outside. When we offer up those things, like the confusion, the sadness, the self-judgment, etc., God does the rest. There is nothing more for us to do but to show up, and let go.
Allow yourself to be guided from a strong, quiet, peaceful place within. Also accept that it might take some time before you are able to feel your connection to that strong, quiet, peaceful place. That doesn't mean it's gone. Just that you've got a veil on that makes you unable at this moment to feel it. It's still there. That peaceful center is always there. Even when we don't feel it, it IS there.
Focus your attention on something positive, however small a thing it may be. Invite in the most positive, radiant kind of energy you can imagine, and just keep your focus on that beauty, that purity.