Zerbie has addressed the matter eloquently when she says:
In critical spiritual matters such as these, and this is both spiritual and critical, I prefer to rely on my inward intuition and inner knowing, my own capacity to be receptive to God. Prayer, but also silent contemplation, making myself open to receive some of God's infinitude in my own little mind."
And as in anything, practice makes permanent. I read, not too long ago in an article dealing with the effects of meditation and contemplation on the brain, that even a modest amount of 'practice' has a lasting and permanent affect. This tells me that, no matter what our brain is hot-wired for, a consistent 'spiritual practice' may be a key in alleviating and dealing with the issues such as those you raise.
Some people sit quietly for 20 minutes a day. Others do the Jesus Prayer, or watch their breath or take long walks. Sometimes I think it could simply be mindfully doing our fingernails. Whatever we do that turns our thoughts inward- beyond our discursive thoughts themselves- seems to be very very helpful.
I've certainly benefited from it. And have to remind myself not to take it for granted.
There is also the sticky matter of first having what we need before we can give it. Centering youself, in my book, is the first step towards taking care of your partner.
I firmly believe you'll know what to do- or not do- if you simply get quiet- real quiet- put your ear to to ground quiet- and Listen.