Originally Posted by keltic63
Anyone ever do any work with this stuff?[/SIZE][/FONT]
Yes. In the sense that, at the fine age of 47, I've come to learn, or at at least I've observed, that my early experiences have indeed shaped my thoughts and actions. So much so, that it shocks me to this day just how much. And this goes way beyond realizing that- say- for instance- that one is becoming one's parent- and not always the nicer one- if there is one.
How its worked for me: I've caught myself responding to my beloved of 14 years in ways that echo my interaction with my father. He could be one angry guy. And when I get confused in my life I see that I'm expecting that anger to 'be there for me'. I've had to work hard, and I mean really hard, to keep my head on straight (ok...no jokes here!). And while I know intellectually what's going on, that hasn't meant that I can stop it when it gets activated. It's like I've been programmed- we're talkin' defenses here- to respond in certain ways which, at the time helped me. Now? My flinchs are echo's of the past.
And guess what? This plays out badly. If I get it into my head that my beloved IS mad at me- when in truth I'm just seeing a shadow from the past- I get defensive all over again and can start creating a nice trauma in the present that makes me feel like I'm in the past- where I'm all too comfortable. Got that? We're talking about a vicious circle here.
What to do?
Compassion and more compassion. I cannot stress this enough. Blaming myself or my beloved for my misperception gets me absolutely nowhere. That's just another distraction for facing what was and is. I truly believe that Love is the answer. But we have to find it within ourselves. We have to learn to love that wounded child within us for these kinds of games to stop. Embracing the hurt and trauma that caused us to become so defended in the first place is what is necessary. It ain't fun. It isn't pretty. But I can say from experience that it does get easier. And only we can do that.
Sometimes I think that relationships are a Path unto themselves. Our beloved's appear in our lives to teach us, help us experience love. Their presence also, paradoxically, brings up all our defenses against it. I agree with Vanessa's line below her posts which says something to the effect that 'what we fear is love itself'. We fear what we can become. What we are
What to do?
Get off the blame game. Get Real. Get Quiet. And get with God. I don't see any other Way.