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Originally Posted by Zerbie
Right now, what I see is all the distance between what I think I am (or want to be) and the way I behave/talk, etc, not coming anyplace close to living up to that.
So, I have re-commenced a meditation practice (for some very significant reasons, I lay it by very often b/c of problems with it), and every time I practice I feel significantly worse. My guess is, I have to face the worse in order to grow, but I have some doubts too that maybe it really is being counter-productive.
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Three Thoughts:
1) Only a qualified meditation teacher can advise you in these matters. However, what does occur to me is this: If all you see is the space between where you are and where you want to be - you can't very well see where your feet are stepping.
2) Somehow, what you relate reminds me of the Old Italian singing teachers (we're both singers) were they thought of the voice as a piece of leather. The point was to stretch it, lengthen and shape it. But this can't be done quickly or it will break.
3) Its been my perception that we often have to go back to go forward. In teaching voice (another thing we share), I see that the student often has a 'dip' or 'tunnel' experience before a new plateau is reached. It's almost as though they have a real good look at what they are leaving behind before they get comfortable with the New.