Zerbie,
I understand completely what you mean. You are not where you want to be. ..Not sure how to get there...and pissed off at yourself about the whole thing. Been there...heck, I'm still there. What I do when I feel this way is try to remember that God made me....He loves me exactly the way that I am. I try to take some time to remember this. This is a most of the time way too big a concept for my tiny little brain to process so here is what I do. Now hang on cause this is where things get freaky. First you must understand that I am great with children. I was a teacher for 10 years and now am a full time children's pastor. It is the most natural thing in the world for me to show love to a child. I realized at some point that when I am in the place that you are in, I am operating in "Frieghtened Child Mode". So when this happens my meditation process intails seeing myself for the child that I am and then as an adult talking to that child. I Remind that young frieghtened part of myself how much I am loved, how important I am to God and how that love and acceptance comes with no strings attached. I know that this sounds odd but it is a great thing. Often times we are able to counsel others when we can't accept it for ourselves. But by seeing myself as two parts and letting the grown up part talk to the vulnerable part I am able to both give and receive love at the same time. I am actually being blessed right now by writing this. i hope this doesn't seem to out there and I hope it helps.
L.
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