Better Living Through Chemistry
Thatís what they say, but Iím yet to be convinced. I am taking yet another hiatus while my doctor tries to adjust my meds. Finding the right combination for Bipolar II is something of a trial and error process, or even possibly a crap shoot, and the subject of the experiments (in this case me) gets to enjoy the roller coaster ride. Those who love me just get to watch and care, while feeling helpless.
There is something very humbling about being tossed to and fro by the effects of little pills. For a recovering control freak, itís a little scary. I have missed two Sunday services because I canít ensure that I can maintain emotionally for a couple of hours straight, and people could be disturbed by displays of emotion - never mind the possibility of breaking down in the pulpit. Now Iíve been advised to take medical leave for at least another couple of weeks. I have a feeling a recommendation for long-term leave might also be coming.
The possibility looms large that I may be done in ministry. In an already challenging ministry, this interruption may prove too much for the church to bear. I know it might be the death knell of this particular call. I also question whether it is appropriate for someone who gets their personality from a pill to minister to others, when the potential always exists for erratic and unpredictable emotions. So, little by little, as the days tick by, my heart breaks just a little more because I canít quite envision how God can use a vessel quite this broken.
I would appreciate your prayers - for wellness and discernment.
- Andy's blog
Sins are always worse when they're different than mine