Originally Posted by Matt Algren
You were on the right track, but you veered off. Here's how I put it on the blog, and I'm still not sure it's as clear as it could be.
I think I understand now after reading your text. Sorry for veering off. However, perhaps - as an exercise- it would be helpful to boil down the text into a short paragraph? (Forgive me...I am taking a writing class at the moment!) This might clarify things for you and your reader.
If this was class, I would suggest to you to start where you end up, with "exposing the asterick". That is an arresting image.
RE arresting: that's what happened to the boys in Utah.