My name is Nick and I work in Pharmaceutical Clinical Research. I have a Master's degree and am a genius! Ha-ha! I have just always wanted to start out like that! Ha!
I have just recently come out to my family, friends, co-workers, and church. A few people in my life have known how I feel, but I have done a pretty good job keeping it under wraps. Especially being raised in the church and taught that how I feel is a sin. I have tried my entire life to change who I am and how I feel. I have wanted to die at times b/c I felt so abandoned from the Lord. Not knowing why He wouldn't change me after I would beg and beg and beg.
It has been such a painful process. Wondering if I give into my feelings and desire am I not truly saved? Am I going to disappoint God? Am I just giving in to the temptation? I have always been actively involved in the Christian community. Youth group, Campus Crusade in college and a church while I was in graduate school. I am still very much involved in my church (well, that has been halted as of late). I have feared that if I came out and admitted who I was, I would be stripped of all the ministries in which I serve. And, unfortunately, that has happened.
In January 2009, after returning from a missions trip to Kenya, I decided to try and really change. I started dating an amazing woman shortly after we returned home. Laura is amazing and her family is so awesome. We grew close very quickly. We have the same heart for people and for Kenya. We both support a rehabilitation center for former street children in Nakuru, Kenya. But all in all, I was attracted to her heart, not the woman. I started to realize this a few months into our relationship, but past my better judgment, I decided to push through. I just knew that if I had enough faith, God would change me. We went back to Kenya in August 2009. I proposed to her there. It was incredible! I was so excited! I thought "This is so great! I can do this!". But there was that still small voice that reminded me that I was not this person. During our weeks of marriage counseling, I realized I just can not do this. It broke my heart. I wanted to throw up for weeks on end. I just did not know how to find the courage to break her heart and end our engagement. We were due to be married this March 28th. Her parents would be devastated, along with so many of friends. But, I knew in the depths of my heart, I had to do it. I had to be honest with myself and with Laura. I knew I would break her heart and suffer many consequences; however, I know the consequences of getting married anyway would cause greater destruction. I just can not be one of those men that gets married and has children and then eventually gives in to who I am and has an affair, breaking my family.
So, three weeks ago, I sat down with Laura and poured out my heart. She was broken. She is so angry with me and with the Lord, but I know it was the right thing to do. I wish I could turn back time. I feel so horrible for dragging Laura into my life and my mess. I should have never started dating her. But my heart has been in the right place the whole time. I just wish I discovered my inability to go through with this long before I proposed. It has turned her entire life upside down. I hope and pray that she realizes, deep in her heart, that this was the right thing and the best thing for her and for me.
The journey these past few weeks has been hard; almost suffocating. But at the same time, it has been like a huge weight has been lifted and I feel so free! I feel like God has told me it is okay to be who I am. That to live a lie is the sin. My dear friend Catherine's mother is a lesbian also a Christian. They shared with me a book entitled "What the Bible Really says About Homosexuality". It has been such a blessing as I have been learning the correct interpretation of the Scriptures surrounding the way we all feel.
Coming out to my church was also very difficult. I know that they believe it is not an acceptable lifestyle. And of course, I was asked to step down from the areas I was serving in a leadership capacity. This has actually been the hardest part of it all. I know I don't need my church to serve Christ, but I am just not used to serving in any other capacity. I have always served via a ministry of my church. I also feel as though I am suddenly not good enough. Like I am this horrible person. But I know this is not the truth. And although I have been tempted to leave my church, I refuse to leave the place I love to worship. This is between God and me. This has nothing to do with Him, but with man's interpretation.
I know many may say it is too soon to get involved with someone, but I met an amazing man a few weeks ago. It can be very hard to find another gay man who is also a Christian and loves the same things I love. He is strong Christian; a high school teacher; he loves film and theatre and the outdoors. All deep loves of mine (not the teaching part! ha-ha!). Getting to know him has been so awesome! And I do not feel convicted that I am living in sin. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to know him! I have never been so happy! It has been very hard for Laura to know that I am happy and she is devastated. That is also extremely difficult. But I know that I can not remain in a place of guilt. I can stay on the cross. I have to come down b/c God has forgiven me! It is a delicate balance for sure. I have tried to help Laura, but I have had to just cut all communication right now. It is just not healthy for her. It makes it difficult to seem compassionate to her by ignoring her, but it is the best thing. Again, another difficult decision. But the right thing is always the place we find most freedom!!!!
Okay, not that I have written a book...
I started performing key word searches on Google for the Bible and Homosexuality and found Soulforce! I am so excited to learn and grow and be a part of this community!
I hope that I can be of help to others who are where I used to be or just need an encouraging word or two.
To the Truth and the Freedom that is Found!!