Originally Posted by Unmasked
Thanks for that reminder Rick. I do have a tendency to worry too much about things, and I'm not sure why.
I was taught all my life that the conservative popular theology is correct, and I've always felt drawn to the divine and the metaphysical. I also believe strongly in the teachings of Jesus. For me it's hard to figure out how to connect with the divine outside of Christianity, and I have a hard time with Christianity outside the creeds that I'm expected to believe. I've always wanted a path to follow, a group to belong to. Cutting your own path is scary. It's comforting to walk in the footsteps of another and to imagine that they saw and felt and did the same things you're doing now.
I don't believe in Hell, and even when I did I always assumed that God wasn't so petty as to condemn people for belief or disbelief, but rather our actions should be the criteria by which we are judged, and yet I still find frustration in my lack of belief, because I don't know how to operate without that belief. My beliefs shift so much that I can't define them, which confuses me, and it confuses others. I want to be understood by others, but I don't understand myself, and that bothers me.
Cutting your own path is scary. But I would like to remind you that the mere fact of being gay takes most of us out of the "I think I'll just other people decide things for me" modus operandus.
I hear you saying you were brought up to believe one thing, but your experience is telling you something else, and you are uncomfortable with that.
Ok then. How about being comfortable with being uncomfortable? That may sound like a mind-game, but I think you could get some mileage out of this.
What do I say this? Because you seem to be asking a lot of yourself.
Here's what I've learned- take it or leave it as you like.
We can only be where we are.
I think you are getting waaaaay ahead of yourself by asking yourself to believe certain things.
However, you do know one thing. Right here. Right now.
You already know that you worry about things. You say you don't know why. And frankly, that doesn't wash. If you start keeping mental note of what happens when you start fussing about things, you will start to see a commonality. Worrying doesn't come out of no-where. It has a trigger. And behind the trigger- most likely- is a fear.
What I hear you saying is that you want to belong. You want to feel safe.
Thing is: why don't you feel safe? Why do you feel alone?
Get to the root of these things and you will find your gold. And perhaps your faith. Faith in yourself for one thing.