Homosexuality and Change: My Promiscuity
Currently I am doing research for a presentation that is based on the term 'ex-gay'. I am passionate about any subject that has to do with human sexuality and gender deviancy but this one particular is a putting on a bit of an emotional roller coaster (which I expected since my researching methods are un-biased). The more I read the more questions I have and the more I am left feeling lost and confused. For instance, in the book 'Healing Homosexuality: Case Stories of Reparative Therapy" by Joseph Nicolosi 8 men talk about their journey's of "coming out" of their homosexuality, due to the fact that the homosexual feeling they have are unwanted, an damaging to their lives according to them. I haven't gotten very far yet but from what I have reviewed, I found it very interesting the determination these men put into changing and seeking happiness. One guy even challenged those who say homosexuality cannot change by saying " But who are they to say I shouldn't change." According to the therapist who is also the author of this book says homosexual behavior is an attempt to undo the alienation they feel from their masculinity (in the case of homosexual men). At the end of the stories of the men who say they've changed, they speak of being happy and feeling free. This is where part of my confusion lies leaving me asking questions such as:
How come some men are happy living an 'ex-gay' life when others are not (former ex-gay)?
Why is 'masculinity' almost always confined to 'maleness' when attempting to help a man be free of his homosexual desires?
Does this mean that some people are not meant to be gay? Some therapist would agree that reparative therapy are only for those who want to seek assistance to rid of their unwanted same-sex desires.
Is the ex-gay movement an attempt to confine both men and women to the gender binary without the recognizance or inclusion of those who do not fit?
In order to help a patient change a therapist must know the 'causes of the homosexuality'. What 'caused' you to become homosexual'? I admit I have had a very sexual childhood. I'm now even just getting over my pornographic addiction (I'm 18..since middle school). I used to be a victim of the promiscuity that the stereotypes of homosexual or same sex loving individuals are labeled under by the heterosexual society. Even though I don't think much about my father, I was raised only by by mother but was consistently surrounded by male role models through out my whole life. I can't remember exactly when I began to be attracted to guys but I know it was before I had 'sex' with 2 guys that were 4 and 3 years older then me from the ages of 8-10 (or maybe younger I cant remember). And I have even had experiences with my siblings (girls and guys) in my younger and teen years. Today it seems my mind has put all this history locked away, to the point where all seems ok. But every now and then i think about it and I still don't believe what my life used to be. It frightens me because sometimes I wonder what if the reason I like guys is because of my past. But then I think of how I felt this way even before all this happened. Maybe all the sex at a young age is what caused me to become sexually hyperactive. I don't know. I also remember the many sexual experiences i had throughout high school with guys, as an attempt to find the right one for me. Occasionally today I feel the urges I used to feel as a teen, but it just seems as if everything has slowed way down, and I'm the things that used to bother me don't effect me as much. I think I just grew tired of it. All I know now is that I am only left with so many questions but with very few answers. I'm not hear to be judged just helped. Now that I have come to the realization that I question everything. I feel myself walking away from God. Being afraid or avoiding going to church when I used to be excited. Even gay-friendly churches. My spiritual journey has come to a n abrupt halt.