[Daniel]

I'm pretty far ahead of you as far as years go. I am 51. Does this give me some perspective? Yes. It does. Does it make me 'right'? Not by a long shot. Please take what I write as the musings of a man who has simply been down the path of life only a bit longer than you.

Guilt. That's what I read in your post. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Who put that thought in your head?

What is all the guilt about? What you did with whom as a kid?

How about seeing the desire for union with others (the perfect guy) as part and parcel as the journey towards unity with one's Self? Sure. There may be dysfunctional aspects to how you've gone about it, but that doesn't mean that the primary desire to be with those of your own sex is somehow flawed, cheapened, and therefore damned.

My own view is that the Right Wing's promotion of ex-gay therapy is - as you intuit- pretty much about keeping the sexes in their assigned gender roles. And I think this is a very misguided view. There are plenty of straight boys you are effeminate and gay boys who are ultra-masculine.

Ex-gay stuff is about CONTROL. If they can control WHO you LOVE, then they are able to control YOU.

Self-discipline? That is something altogether.

So you are finding that acting on your sexual impulses all the time doesn't lead you to a happy and healthy place? Good for you. Sounds like you are becoming a self-aware man.

That makes you husband material buddy.