[Jennifer5]

"The decisions we make define us."

Once in a while these words will haunt me because I realize that I'm not acting like the person that I want to be. I pretend to be a good friend, but sometimes I’m quite the opposite.

Why is it that sometimes something so wrong can feel so right? Why is it that sometimes the lies and the excitement of doing something wrong feels so much better than reality?

I realize that these questions are far too vague, so they may not make sense. I imagine that part of growing up is struggling with these questions; most people just have to deal with them at a much younger age. I will try to explain.

I feel like a have an addiction, not to a substance, but to a feeling. For the shortest time, a weekend in fact, I felt something that was completely new too me, it felt like the beginning of something great. The fact that neither of us wanted anyone to know, made it that much more exciting. For two nights, I felt safety and security in a different way. Than it was over. Not completely over, but over.

It turned me into a crazy person, I still can’t figure out if it’s good or bad. I wanted to get that feeling back and I didn’t really care who it was with, so I messed to do so with one of my girlfriends. I stopped myself before I moved on to my guy friend. My friends understand, so I guess it was all right. I couldn’t recreate that feeling though and I know it’s not something that I will be able to create, it will happen.

It didn’t even go that far, but that feeling was one that I can’t describe. I was never able to explain what happened that weekend. The guy isn’t much for talking, or at least not for talking to me. All I can conclude from what I know about him is that he is far more lost and confused than I am. He has agreed to being friends and he knows how I feel, not on the level that I tried to explain here, but he knows.

I have no idea what I think I’m going to gain from posting this. It’s just one of those things that I wanted to try to explain; too who, I don’t know. Any comments are welcomed. Thank you for listening.