Originally Posted by ireland
I am 27 have my own house, she is 26 lives with parents. Thank you for your advice that would be exactly my plan. Her on the other hand cant put her family through the heartache. She says they would disown her and she could not live without them, which i totally understand. I recently told my parents who took it ok, but then thy are not as religious, they could see that i was just me and i couldnt change who i was. Her family think this is something that can be cured and not accepted. As for setting ourselves up for heartache yeah i think we are in the heartache, its totally killing the both of us. What makes me angry is how her family cant see they are destroying her, how can she ever have any kind of life?
I hear you loud and clear.
Great that you have your own place. I take it, then, that you envision the two of you living together there.
Here's the deal as I see it. If your gal wants to remain closeted to her folks, then there isn't anything you can do about it unfortunately. She's going to have to have the courage to tell them. Yes. She could 'lose' them in the process. They might disown her. Then again, they might not. Right how she is living in fear. And that is a killer for any relationship.
What happens if she does come out and they disown her? At least she has you. Has she thought about that? And are you committed to making a relationship work between the two of you? Of course, I don't know, but she might be hedging her bets a bit, especially if this relationship is new to her. She might be afraid, not only of telling her parents, but of the commitment to the relationship itself.
Regardless of what the situation is, I can tell you this. If she keeps going down this road of hiding who she is while expecting you to pick up the slack, she is going to be one unhappy person, even more unhappy that she is now. She is going to resent the family she says she can't live without. That acid is going to eat away at her relationships. All of them.
If her family believes in the 'pray it away' cure, then they are in deep denial. And the only thing that is going to change that is you gal's disclosure. That will be the shock that will change everything.
Here's what I suggest. Your gal needs a support system in order to deal with her sexuality whether you are in the picture or not. That way, it won't be a matter of your influence. If you are the only person she is talking about this stuff to, then that places too much pressure on you. She needs to figure out a way to deal with things.
I was lucky. I got together with a guy, and when my parents suspected (my father cornered me actually), I told them I was gay. Bad scene. My father said horrible things while my mother cried. But the end result was that I began my first relationship which lasted nearly 5 years. If conservative religion had not been involved, things would have gone a lot better. Now, I have been with my husband for over 15 years, and my parents are much better about the whole thing. It took a long time, years actually, but things did change.
One has to be in if for the long haul.
Is your gal ready for that?