I don't know Daniel what I want. I am stuck in this damn rollercoaster of wanting her back then tell her where to go and how fast to get there. She has been so cold and ruthless and mean spirited that I don't know what the hell I was thinking to ever think this would work out. I almost swallowed 72 pills today because I was so despondent and wanted some relief of this pain in my chest. Fortunately, my sister opened the door before I could do it and talked me down.
I go home back to Texas in less than a week and I am terrified of living alone, in a godforsaken apartment. My two girls will be gone in a year or so and there I will be alone with just myself and that terrifies me. My sister reminded me that I was not God and didn't hold my future. She told me that Jeremiah 29:11 was true and I needed to just focus on the day ahead and not worry about tomorrow. So I got up and went for a massage and I know I need to get her out of my mind and my heart but damn her and damn everything she ever told me. So many questions and no answers but to run to Jesus and step out in faith that he has my life in his hands and everything will work itself out. These are the lyrics to the song she said to me 5 days ago made her think of me and cry. What the hell?
ALL ROADS LEAD TO YOU by Steve Wariner
Blacktop's burning, heat waves rise
Pick up my shove, l put my back to the grind
Got another job in Flagstaff and this one's paid
I work the freeway, the pays all right
But I can't get you off my mind
'Cause every stretch of highway ends the same
All roads lead to you
I thought I could forget but it's now use
Your memory is there wherever I go, whatever I do
All road lead to you
The boss said one more mile to go
The last one always goes so slow
If I could just turn off my mind I'd be all right
But I keep wondering what went wrong
Whose holding you now that I'm gone
There's not a minute that goes by you don't cross my mind
All roads lead to you
I thought I could forget but it's now use
[ Steve Wariner Lyrics are found on
www.getlyrics.com ]
Your memory is there wherever I go, whatever I do
All road lead to you
The sun's getting to me
I think I see you in every car that passes by
No way around it I'll always love you
Any fool can read the signs
All roads lead to you
I thought I could forget but it's now use
Your memory is there wherever I go, whatever I do
All road lead to you
All roads lead to you
I thought I could forget but it's now use
Your memory is there wherever I go whatever I do
All road lead to you
All roads lead to you
I thought I could forget but it's now use
Your memory is there wherever I go whatever I do
All road lead to you
WTF? Why would she say this and if this song means a damn thing why is she acting so cold and heartless and cruel? I don't get it!!! I know I keep rambling about this but she just keeps poking the wound with a hot poker and I wish like hell she would just let me go and quit twisting the knife. This song says one thing but she does the complete opposite all the while saying she loves me and misses me. BULLSHIT!!!!!!!
Moreover why do I listen to this nonsense? Why does she mean so much to me? Why can't I get over her? Will I ever? What does this all mean? Is she just as screwed up over this as I am? Just puts on a better face?
:conf used:
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God Help ME!!!!!