[chadp81]

Wow, I really don't know how to start this off... I'm 28, I live in a small town in Kentucky (no I'm not a Hillbilly! lol)... anyway, Ive been dealing with feelings of being gay since I was about 15 - 16 I guess, Ive not really came out to anyone, my mom knows, she says she loves me no matter what... My younger brother and his fiance both know, they say that I'm no different to them and they still live me as much as ever. I guess a little background about me is in order, I was raised in a strict orderly home, I have the greatest family anybody could ever dream of, my dad is retired U.S. Army and my mom worked in the medical field. I was also raised in a Southern Baptist church, I love God with every ounce of my being, I wanna serve my Lord in any way he can use me. I graduated from high school and joined the USAF, I was stationed in Germany and I got to experience a lot in Europe, it was total different world for me. My time in the Air Force was the time in my life that I was the farthest away from God. In 2007 I started attending a Non denominational church. I guess that works for a short back ground...

Ive found myself in some pretty embarrassing situations in the past while trying to hide and explore my feelings. I was raised to believe that Gay people were an abomination unto God, and they would burn in hell for their ways.. so being a gay teen in my area wasn't an option. After I got out of the AF I came back here to my town and got a good paying job, but I still had my feelings of being gay. I never have had an attraction to women, yeah, I see some that I think are gorgeous but no REAL attraction to them. I started looking up guys online and emailing them, we started sharing pictures, some PG, some not so PG if you get my drift. My parents always liked to keep tabs on us, even though I was in my 20's my parents still checked up on me. I got "caught" so to speak being Gay on the internet a few times, the last time was the worst, my dad busted my laptop, ant told me I had to move out. He cried for days saying "I cant have a Gay son" and "there has never been a faggot in my family" stuff like that.. I move to Georgia and lived with a sister and her family for about 6 months, then I came back to Kentucky and about 3 months after moving back I was "caught" again, and shortly after I got my own apartment. I promise I'm getting to a point....

Now, Ive been battling depression and feelings of rejection, I'm so tired of trying to be who I "Should" be, but I've been to scared to be who I really am. I want to find love and happiness, I want to hold someone and be held, I wanna wake up with them beside me and know that we are there for each other... I just don't know how to do it! I'm so scared to come out, I would lose most my family, my church, there's too much on the line for me. My family is your typical Southern Right Wing Conservative family, my Church says they wont allow Open gay relationships but they want gays to come to the church so they can "be delivered from Homosexuality, and have those demons cast from them", so you can see its a Lose Lose situation for me. All these things weigh heavy on me... Ive even cried out to God begging him to change me so I wouldn't have to hurt my family anymore, Ive pleaded, begged, prayed, and tried everything I could to get god to "fix" me.... But he hasn't...

Ive read the "What The Bible Says" PDF on here and I really want to believe it! That's more like how Ive always pictured God.. But its hard to see my sexuality as being right when Ive always believed I'll go to hell if I live as a gay man.... I guess I'm just confused and hurting inside... I just cant stand the life I'm living anymore... I want freedom... I want Love... I want acceptance... and I'm looking for another person whose came through this to give me some advice, and let me bend their ear a little....

Can anyone help?