Originally Posted by pnggrad79
I am wondering if I just fell in love with an illusion.
It is the illusion or dream that is most difficult to resist or let go of. She owns all of her suffering, but does not know this nor does she acknowledge her accountability for her own suffering. So she uses you for emotional toilet paper.
The fault and responsiblilty for her suffering is all yours according to her. Well that's not dandy even if she's paying you $200 per hour for psychotherapy. Even therapist wouldn't put up with that shit for 1 hour a week!
You are not ready to forgive her now. You probably won't be ready for that until she is no longer part of your life. Appreciate the fact the she is actiing like Darth Vader. This might be the only thing that is keeping you from going back for more abuse!
Sometimes it is the vicious kick in the teeth to wake us out of our delusion about another person that we need to make overdue changes.
She's trapped by her suffering and fearfull of being further trapped by you. Because of this she is dangerous and vicious. You are the person she needs the least in this world and she is the person you need the least in this world.
Each subsequent communication with her will likely result in more and more vicious attacks. If you continue to communicate with her then it may be a need for you to feel more pain. This is a dark grudge-gratification. Pain makes you feel the gratification of being awarded victim status (Abused Martyr).
This is one step above of being her toilet paper ("Deserving" of Abuse).
I entirely agree with Daniel; something dysfunctional is at work in your head and you are feeding it.
Don't stay the abused martyr for very long. It does not wear well and soon starts to stink (been there, done that, and threw it out with the used condoms and Gin Bottles)
If you communicate with her again then you are looking for drama.
Instead I suggest looking within for where this desire for drama arises.
How does it feel in your body?
How far back in your life can you remember when this need was noticeable?
What sensations in your face stomach or neck does this cause?
What other thoughts cause similar sensations?
When was the youngest time that you experienced loneliness?
What have you been willing to do to spare yourself this feeling of loneliness
Then ask yourself, when was there a time when "God was in His Heaven and all was right with the world?
Where you 5 years old? or seven? or ten?
Focus your thoughts on remembering a time when everywhere you went everybody loved you, because that was how your world was. Bring to your awareness the images, the sounds the smells. Christmas tree lights and cookies, eating too much turkey, rassling and giggling uncontrollably with your cousins etc.
This is your Heart.. This is your pure core of desire to experience the joy of living. As the adult you are in the present smile upon the child who is still there. Ask her to forgive you and help you.
Now bring you heart in contact with the first time you felt lonelinenss. Fill the lonely girl with the warrmth joy and compassion of the loved girl within you. Practice this meditational exercise twice a day for 20 minutes for the next 12 days. When your thoughts stray, gently bring your focus back. It takes practice, so don't give up if you don't do it well at first. The more you practice, the better you become.
But don't rely on my limited on-line advice. Get off the complacency/fear/drama/lard-ass mudpile and get a therapist!!!!!!!