Originally Posted by victor
I'm Victor... I'm just 14 and I am Brazilian, and most people here are quite homophobic. They often just joke about homosexuals but many times they show "pity" for them or think it is something that is gross (my family included). Though, I think my family knows I'm gay... I have known it myself since I remember. I always knew who I was. I always liked things girls liked, I have always been different from other boys... I always liked boys.
I am lost... I really don't know if I wanna, need, should or even would be homosexual or if I should just stay alone for the rest of my life and pursue celibacy... I read the articles on this website and I really wanna believe homosexuality was never mentioned in the bible and that God really doesn't mind it and will love me the same way and that I can still inherit the kingdom of Heaven even though I'm different... even if I can't bring to this world any children like God wanted from the beginning... I just wanna make God happy!
Then again, if I can ever get over this and, let's say, "pursue" homosexuality instead of celibacy, then I don't understand what rules would apply... I mean, should one stay virgin until they marry a male (and would this be correct? would God bless it?) and then have sexual relationships, or just no, because as I have heard people preach saying "No, anal sex is dirty. God hates it. It's so dirty. The proof to it is that's from where poop comes out" O_o (I don't know if I wanna laugh at this, believe it, or cry... O_o)
I have thought many times to myself "what if it really is an abomination to be a homosexual and enjoy a male partner rather than a female one, like God first wanted it to be like... God made them compatible!"
I just can't understand why God made me this way... and why homosexuals are something that are apparently new to the Earth... why? I'm lost! I don't know what to believe in... I am lost! I need answer to my questions... I need comfort... but I am so afraid of coming out to my parents... our relationship will be so different, I'm sure... maybe not with my mom, but with my dad? It sure will. My family will reject me... I'm quite sure... and even if they say they're okay with it, they obviously see homosexuality as something strange, and they will look at me differently. I just wanna be myself and be seen the same way... I want God to love me like this, but I don't know if he does. I've prayed so many times so that he could "fix" me, or change me, but it never happened, and there must be a reason for that! right?. I need help ):
You are a brave young man. God gave you the gift to share intimate love. He made you with the capacity to love another fellow because He created another of His children who is gay also...and this fellow needs you. Look for him....and when the two of you meet and share love, God will smile, like a parent watching his children opening a gift on Christmas morning.
Honor God's gift of the capacity for intimacy by sharing the joy with another of His gay children.
Imagine Christ coming upon a village square. He sees a crowd of people throwing stones. The target is two young men who have been caught sharing love.
What would He do? Would He pick up a stone and join in?
Or would He rush to them to protect them?
"He who has not sinned throw the first stone!"
I believe He would soothe them with tears of compasion. Thank them for sharing his gift of love and say something like: "Come with me and be safe."
God does not create second class humans. You have the same entitlement to share intimate love with the one for whom you have passion as another who was given this capacity for the opposite gender. God wants you to feel joy from His gift, not pain and loneliness.
People may get gratification by oppressing others and causing pain but God does not. God has infinite compasion and love.
It is difficult to experience at this tender young age the violence of homophobic oppression. I experienced it when I was your age. (now i'm 46)
You need not lose your soul to the oppression, but some violence will be done to it. Overcome the fear of this violence by resisting.
You are not alone. Build your network of support at a gay-affirming church, here at soulforce and other places. The folks here usually have good suggestions.
One young man here used Christ's example. When he came out to his mother she slapped his face. He was silent and turned the other cheek for her to slap as well. She wept and asked for forgiveness. You might respond to a verbal "slap" by silently turning your cheek and pointing to it. This communicates nonviolence in subtle ways.
What happens to us (gay fellows) all too commonly is that we grow up being told we are worthless deviants. Then somebody comes and exploits our self-perceived worthlessness. We accept this treatment which beats our self worth even further.
What is miraculous is when some one who really cares sees the shining boy inside you. And then with this person's help you learn to see the shining boy yourself.
I found these to be my true spiritual epiphanies. You are a man with a soul of a man. Worthy and handsome of body and spirit. As gay fellas we belong to a brotherhood of commonality. I feel this bond of healing with many of my brothers. Something we create that most straight fellas will never know.