[pnggrad79]

I hear what you are saying Brian and Victoria, I guess I did create some kind of fantasy of who I wanted them to be. I know I did that with my first husband, he was definitely an illusion I created and when I came face to face with the reality of who he is, I discovered I didn't like him, much less love him.

With her it was different in that I had no prescribed notions of who I wanted her to be. I knew what I was walking into when I got into the relationship. I guess the fantasy was that I wanted her to be happy with just me, because I was happy with just her. I had no other desires. But she wanted to be a successful entrepreneur and make lots of money, and she wanted children. I was ok with both of those projects and sometimes felt they were more important than me. I guess the fantasy was I wanted her to be happy while doing those things, but love me too. I think she didn't see that loving me was going to further her agenda. And she can be very intense when she is thwarted. I think she saw me as a roadblock to her dreams and wishes. Maybe I don't know what the hell I am talking about.

I know after yesterday I really am seeing who she is and that I need to let her go to find whatever it is that makes her happy. Evidently she can't just love me. Evidently, I was spinning my wheels hoping that I would be enough and I wasn't. Never was.

I do love her and hate her at the same time. I need to get over her and move on and let someone love me and me love someone for who they are and not the fantasy I create about it.

I am tired and have spent 31 years trying desperately to mold them into what I wanted and it was a dismal failure. It is real easy to lapse into catastrophic thinking here and my mind is all too ready to do that.

There is a song that Casting Crowns sings called "Voice of Truth"
The chorus goes:

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says do not be afraid
The Voice of Truth says this is for my glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

That song has spoken to me volumes of what I need to hear.