I hear what you are saying Brian and Victoria, I guess I did create some kind of fantasy of who I wanted them to be. I know I did that with my first husband, he was definitely an illusion I created and when I came face to face with the reality of who he is, I discovered I didn't like him, much less love him.
With her it was different in that I had no prescribed notions of who I wanted her to be. I knew what I was walking into when I got into the relationship. I guess the fantasy was that I wanted her to be happy with just me, because I was happy with just her. I had no other desires. But she wanted to be a successful entrepreneur and make lots of money, and she wanted children. I was ok with both of those projects and sometimes felt they were more important than me. I guess the fantasy was I wanted her to be happy while doing those things, but love me too. I think she didn't see that loving me was going to further her agenda. And she can be very intense when she is thwarted. I think she saw me as a roadblock to her dreams and wishes. Maybe I don't know what the hell I am talking about.
I know after yesterday I really am seeing who she is and that I need to let her go to find whatever it is that makes her happy. Evidently she can't just love me. Evidently, I was spinning my wheels hoping that I would be enough and I wasn't. Never was.
I do love her and hate her at the same time. I need to get over her and move on and let someone love me and me love someone for who they are and not the fantasy I create about it.
I am tired and have spent 31 years trying desperately to mold them into what I wanted and it was a dismal failure. It is real easy to lapse into catastrophic thinking here and my mind is all too ready to do that.
There is a song that Casting Crowns sings called "Voice of Truth"
The chorus goes:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says do not be afraid
The Voice of Truth says this is for my glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
That song has spoken to me volumes of what I need to hear.
If everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day when nobody died. IF EVERYONE CARED/Nickelback