Hi, I'm Vincent
My name is Vincent and I am 23 years old and I want to share my story.
Growing up I've always had the instinct of being attracted to the same sex. I never understood it. I grew up in a strict Christian home where both my parents were music ministers, and with that came the responsibilities of being a pastor's kid. That meant being in the church every time the doors were open and being the first one's to arrive and the last one's to leave. Growing up in this never helped me find myself. I only hated and ignored the "church life" all together.
I started to realize that I "struggled" with homosexuality in my early teens. I never acted upon these feelings knowing that if I did, my world would crumble. So I kept it hidden from everyone I knew and acted as if everything was fine.
During my sophomore year in highschool, still dealing with homosexuality, my older brother and I went to this "church camp" during the MLK holiday weekend. It was called Youth Discipleship Walk. I was force to go by my Mom who earlier went on one for women. This "camp" was like no other. There I felt a sense of God's love and His community. I learned how deep God's love was for me and how real and unconditional it was.
I remember one session in particular. We were all upstairs having communion and closing a group discussion for the day. In front of us were 7-8 chairs lined up, resembling personal altars. I can still remember the anticipation that I felt in my heart. It was racing. It was racing because I knew that God was telling me to give up homosexuality and to give it to him. As I made my way toward the altar, I felt my tears rolling down my face. I knew that this was the moment in which change could really occur, that I no longer had to deal with homosexuality. It felt like I knelt there for hours. All I could do was cry and sob to God knowing that he knew what I was going through. I got up from that altar believing that God had filled that void and that desire and I didn't have to struggle with homosexuality anymore.
Still no one knew what I was going through after this event in my life. I did come back home changed. I was blinded with the Love of Christ and from then on I lived for Him throughout my high school career. I still knew that I struggled with homosexuality, but I was so in love with Jesus that all that didn't matter. All I wanted to do was to be close to Him, and I was.
Flash forward a few years I went through a program called Master's Commission, an intense discipleship program designed for students who don't really have a plan after high school. I did that and graduated and now I'm currently attending a Christian school where I am studying and getting my degree in Worship Leadership. (worship has been a HUGE part of my life ever since I made the decision to follow Christ.) I can't say that I'm still close to God as I was back in high school. Things have changed so much. I still realize that homosexuality has not gone away and it is still VERY present in my life.
Recently I told a close friend of mine that I was dealing with homosexuality and that I had been engaging myself for the past 2 years in this lifestyle. To my surprise he was very supportive. (We both grew up in the same church environment and we both experienced the SAME discipleship walk that I had gone through.) Thank God for friends like these.
A few weeks ago, I decided to also tell my older brother (studied at Central Bible College and graduated with a masters in counseling) about what I had been going through. He and I had one of the best conversations that I could have ever asked for. He was very supportive and did not judge me at all. He expressed that he still loved me as a brother and he even shared his views on being gay and being Christian. And this leads to where I am now.
For the past 2 weeks I've been researching and reading (on forums like these) to see what people, scholars, and Dr's have to say about this issue. I am slowly coming to terms to who I am, even though I thought that being gay was wrong, even though I grew up in the church culture and I am still in it. I feel like my head is spinning and I don't know what to do. I haven't told my parents in fear on how they would react, but I know that I have to do it soon. I don't want to live like this, knowing that I am "hiding" something from them. Which takes me to my next issue.
I am currently talking to this guy. We've been talking since Feb. of this year. He recently moved to NC and we still keep in contact. I can see us together as a couple but he doesn't want to date me because I'm not out and he doesn't think that it's a good idea to move to a new city just because to be closer to him.
I guess I just need some encouragement and someone to hear me out. Even though I know that what I've experienced in the past was REAL, how do I love myself and know that He accepts me. All I desire is to be happy and to know that I am loved. I want to know what's like to be loved from another human being. How can I stay strong and not get so discouraged?