Just don't know what to do....

[pnggrad79]

I am wide awake, because I can't go to sleep. 16 yo daughter just confessed to wife and I that she had sex with her bf this past summer and then the jerk promptly broke up with her breaking her heart and she has been carrying this around since August, and was afraid to tell me. I am more concerned for her than anything, and mad at this young man that he saw fit to take advantage of my daughter then ditch her like a piece of trash. Damn sure it meant more to her than him....

She was afraid that I would think differently of her. I said if she could swallow me being a lesbian, I could manage to swallow her having sex but cautioned her not to give her heart away so easily to boys who only want one thing and then walk away.

I talked to her about safe sex and so I don't worry about STDs, or unwanted pregnancies, but the heartache she carries is just devastating. He had another girlfriend two weeks later.

[u-dog]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

I am wide awake, because I can't go to sleep. 16 yo daughter just confessed to wife and I that she had sex with her bf this past summer and then the jerk promptly broke up with her breaking her heart and she has been carrying this around since August, and was afraid to tell me. I am more concerned for her than anything, and mad at this young man that he saw fit to take advantage of my daughter then ditch her like a piece of trash. Damn sure it meant more to her than him....

She was afraid that I would think differently of her. I said if she could swallow me being a lesbian, I could manage to swallow her having sex but cautioned her not to give her heart away so easily to boys who only want one thing and then walk away.

I talked to her about safe sex and so I don't worry about STDs, or unwanted pregnancies, but the heartache she carries is just devastating. He had another girlfriend two weeks later.

What a wonderful parent you are, PNG! everything you said and did was EXACTLY the right thing to say and do. Even at 16 when they try to act like what you think isn't important and they couldn't care less... even then... your good opinion is the most important thing. that you were affirming and loving rather than judgemental and punishing in this time of heartache is something that she will carry with her for her WHOLE LIFE!

Having experienced hurt, shame, humiliation and finally GRACE you can bet that she will make better choices in the future. She is an older and wiser person than she was 6 months ago and because of your excellent parenting she is in a position to assimilate that wisdom and experience.


Once when I was about twelve, my dad caught me in a bold faced lie. I dissolved into tears. I felt like a total, worthless wretch and like I had totally ruined the trusting relationship I had with him. He put his arm around me and hugged me close and told me that all of us, at one time or another do things that we are ashamed of. We just ask forgiveness and move on. He helped me get ready for school and sent me out the door with another hug.

I didn't get spanked or grounded or even yelled at ... just hugged, but I believe that I am the basically honest person that I am because of that experience.

[pnggrad79]

Thank U-dog, I am feeling a wide range of emotions right now. Last night, I was in shock and my wife told me to just not say anything to her this morning. Right now, I am livid with her ex boyfriend and I think if I saw him, my wife would have to hold me back, because I really want to punch him. Part of me is angry with my daughter, but I know why she did it. But I have been judged too often and I don't want to put her in the same shoes I have often stood in myself. It is not fun to have fingers pointed at you.

I just don't know where to go from here...This is a door I never thought I would have to walk through, and I don't know what to do. Now I am here, and unfortunately, she didn't come with an instruction manual.

[keltic63]

I think you did the right thing. My guess is she's been carrying this around, worrying about your reaction. She heard from you what she needed to hear. You gave her the "responsibility" speech, and affirmed your love for her. Now, it's your turn to carry around some worry, she's carried hers long enough.

[Zerbie]

I agree, she just needs you to love her and affirm that love. What was done with the bf last summer is done and over now, so even with regret there's no undoing what's done.
Now, she needs to move on more carefully. Since it's clear she is loved and supported at home, I think it's far more likely she will have learned from this experience and make safer choices in the future. I'm so glad you stressed the importance of her taking good care of herself and protecting herself!! Had you responded in anger as some parents do, how could that message have gotten through? You also made it clear that she can come to you with the big things, and that is very important.

[BruceChris]

PNG, I think that all of the above advice sounds as good as anything I could come up with, but I think u-dog has the best idea. Whenever you don't know what to say, which may be often, just reach out and give her a BIG HUG!

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[u-dog]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

Thank U-dog, I am feeling a wide range of emotions right now. Last night, I was in shock and my wife told me to just not say anything to her this morning. Right now, I am livid with her ex boyfriend and I think if I saw him, my wife would have to hold me back, because I really want to punch him. Part of me is angry with my daughter, but I know why she did it. But I have been judged too often and I don't want to put her in the same shoes I have often stood in myself. It is not fun to have fingers pointed at you.

I just don't know where to go from here...This is a door I never thought I would have to walk through, and I don't know what to do. Now I am here, and unfortunately, she didn't come with an instruction manual.

PNG,

Her sharing this with you and you responding with love and understanding (and anger directed outward on her behalf) is a bonding experience between the two of you which can only strengthen your relationship. If you have the opportunity to speak further to her about her sexuality, try to make it a positively directed conversation. Share with her what your own sexuality means to you. What it does for you and for your relationship with your wife. Give her an opportunity to talk about what she wants to get out of her own sexuality.

So often we talk to kids about what they CAN or CAN'T do (which is silly since they can do pretty much whatever they want!) I think it is so much better when we can talk about what sex IS ... what it is FOR... what it can offer us. If all we want is an orgasm... shit... we don't need a(nother)boy for that or a(nother) girl. That can be accomplished very safely all by ourselves! But if sex is about relationship and drawing close to another person and sharing our deepest and most vulnerable selves... then we will want to chose our partner carefully and to wait for someone particularly special.

I don't know... just my thoughts. seems like you have an opportunity here for some really good connecting. Good luck!

[shadesofgray21]

Sadly, I feel the pain of a relationship gone bad is the same at any age. It can literally break your heart. All I could offer is just be there for her, as you have done. Her knowing that she is supported and loved at home ( as someone else stated) after discussing this with you, will make it easier for her to come to you with any other relationship issues that she will encounter in the future. A door has indeed been opened between the two of you, and I suspect that her experience, as painful as it as has been, will only strengthen your bond.

[pnggrad79]

I had a long talk with her yesterday and just told her I hated stupidity but more than that I hated that 5 seconds of a stupid decision could have a lifelong consequence. She said, "Do you think I am stupid?" and I said, "No, I think you made an unwise decision and you weren't thinking very clearly when you made the decision and it could have had lifelong consequences." Her eyes got very big and she just said, "I am sorry Mom for hurting you." I said, "Baby, you didn't hurt me, you hurt yourself, and that is what hurts me. I only want the best for you, and this isn't the best. You gave the best part of you away to someone who didn't respect you, let alone love you. He used you for he could get out of you, a momentary pleasure and then dumped you. That is not what I want for you. I want love for you, I want someone who is going to love you back the way you love them." She promised never to do this again until she was with the person she was going to marry.
What's done is done, and I can't change it now. We have to move past it and get on with life.

Sometimes, I wish they were 3 years old again. I knew what to do. I could fix it then. I didn't have all the questions, and second guessing every decision I made. Anyone with me out there?