The Guilt is Killing Me

[Juls]

Being raised a Baptist in a conservative home made it very difficult to be true to myself. But after two failed marriages and finally falling in love with my parter of 2 1/2 years now I want to be open with everyone. I am out with many of my friends but not my family. My mother is a very "strong" Christian and hates gays and lesbians. I know because she is very open about it. My problem is this: After my divorce I took over one of my parents homes out of necessity for a place to live. My girlfriend has since moved in with me. I basically live in this home for free but it is my mother's house and is planning on giving it to me when she passes on. When ever she wants to visit me (she lives out of state) I always make an excuse or offer to go visit her.

I can't stand feeling guilty for living on her property but not honest about my lifestyle. I don't even know if I should feel guilty or not, but I sure do. My question is, do I owe her an explanation about my lifestyle? I know she would reject me, and may even want me out of the house. For all I know she would completely disown me. I don't know what to do.

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by Juls

My question is, do I owe her an explanation about my lifestyle? I know she would reject me, and may even want me out of the house. For all I know she would completely disown me. I don't know what to do.

I would say no. You don't. Your life is yours to live- and your's alone. And while I am always one to encourage others to come out, I would be extremely cautious about doing so in your case. Why? If you know you mother will reject and disinherit you, then I would think very carefully about matters.

How about this question: do you deserve to be thrown out of the house you live in?

I would answer no to that question too. First and foremost comes the matter of your survival. Not to be taken lightly.

Your life- not your lifestyle (and I confess to having strong feelings about that word!) is what's important here.

In sum: I wouldn't come out to your mother unless you feel secure inside and out. Very secure.

[keltic63]

I echo Daniel's thoughts re: coming out to your mom.

The next question is, what can you and your partner do to find a place of your own in the near future? I understand that economics and needing a place to live are important. living honestly is also important. what steps can you take to
a) move out of the house that your mother owns?
b) come out to your family with minimal emotional damage?

what would happen if your mother found out right now, and decided to evict you from your residence? I'm just thinking about what could happen should mom decided to surprise you with a visit......

[Matt Algren]

Sorry to hear that loving someone has become so difficult, Juls. What does your partner think about this? What happens on holidays and such?

Practically speaking, what if Mom made you move out of the house? Between you and your gf's incomes, how problematic would that be? Have you talked about this?

Sorry so many of these have been questions back at you, but we don't really know your specific situation.



edit: I agree with Daniel about the word lifestyle. Erase it from your vocabulary.

edit again: When I came out, I made (to me) a very important decision that I wasn't going to people and asking their permission to be gay, but that I was telling them that I AM gay. By informing people instead of asking permission, you go to them from a position of strength. If they're going to reject you, they have to start on their own power, rather than by answering a question you gave them, and that's a lot harder for them to do.

While some may not like it (my mother still hasn't acknowledged it since that day), they have one less tool in their toolbox. And more importantly, you're in control of your own life.

[Ozgeorge]

Originally Posted by Juls

a very "strong" Christian and hates gays and lesbians.

May be it's just me, but does anyone else see a contradiction in terms here?

[nervezapper]

Originally Posted by Ozgeorge

May be it's just me, but does anyone else see a contradiction in terms here?

Yes, I see it too. Unfortunately, there are many misguided and misinformed "Christians" out there.

I have a bumper sticker on my vehicle that says "Jesus called, he wants his religion back". I got it because of this very thing. Many, if not most, Christians are not living their lives according to what Jesus taught/preached/lived. This is the main reason I broke away from the traditional church. I found a group of people who, without subscribing to a particular religion, live more like Jesus than any other group I've ever been a part of. I have never felt more loved and comfortable in my own skin. They make it ok for me to be who God created me to be.

[keltic63]

Originally Posted by Ozgeorge

May be it's just me, but does anyone else see a contradiction in terms here?

in the terms, yes, but not in the experience.

[nervezapper]

Originally Posted by Juls

Being raised a Baptist in a conservative home made it very difficult to be true to myself. But after two failed marriages and finally falling in love with my parter of 2 1/2 years now I want to be open with everyone. I am out with many of my friends but not my family. My mother is a very "strong" Christian and hates gays and lesbians. I know because she is very open about it. My problem is this: After my divorce I took over one of my parents homes out of necessity for a place to live. My girlfriend has since moved in with me. I basically live in this home for free but it is my mother's house and is planning on giving it to me when she passes on. When ever she wants to visit me (she lives out of state) I always make an excuse or offer to go visit her.

I can't stand feeling guilty for living on her property but not honest about my lifestyle. I don't even know if I should feel guilty or not, but I sure do. My question is, do I owe her an explanation about my lifestyle? I know she would reject me, and may even want me out of the house. For all I know she would completely disown me. I don't know what to do.

I don't think the questions should be whether or not you owe her an explaination, but rather it should be how much do you want to live an open and authentic life? I was also raised in a very conservative Baptist home. It's quite difficult at times to start thinking for yourself and formulate your own opinions when you've been told your whole life what to say, how to act and even what to think.

It breaks my heart to see so many people, who are Christians and claim to love Jesus, hate a group of people because of who they love. As we know, Jesus loved everyone! I had a conversation the other day, about Jesus, with the owner of my favorite coffee shop. We talked about how Jesus hung out with the outcasts of society. Then she made a very good point. If Jesus was here today he'd be hanging out with people like us. Oh yeah, she happens to be gay too.

I also find it very interesting how so many "Christians" are becoming more accepting of divorce when the Bible says more about divorce than about being gay. Yet, these Christians spend so much time, energy, and money condeming the GLBT community. (please don't take this as me saying your divorces were "wrong") Funny how they forget Jesus' words "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

I can't tell you what you need to do. Somewhere deep inside of you, you know the answer. I would suggest you read "What the Bible Says-And Doesn't Say-About Homosexuality." I am reading and studying it in preparation for the day I come out to my biological family (I count my spiritual community and friends as my "real" family, but that''s a whole other story).
http://www.soulforce.org/article/hom...-gay-christian

[Juls]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and comments. I know very well the contradiction of terms, it is a very sad thing. I have read the http://www.soulforce.org/article/hom...-gay-christian and it did make me feel better about my situation but I guess I am still not convinced that God hasn't condemned homosexuality. I wish it did, I wanted it to resolve the conflict I still feel. I have read most of the articles on this sight and it has helped. My gf isn't a Christian and she doesn't understand what why I feel this way. I would love to go to a church that was affirming of homosexuals and not be too new agy like for me. I believe that Jesus is the son of God and loves me and I need the salvation he provided for me on the cross. Some of my Christian friends are accepting but they are the exception. When and how does a gay Christian come to terms with this conflict?

[u-dog]

Originally Posted by Juls

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and comments. I know very well the contradiction of terms, it is a very sad thing. I have read the http://www.soulforce.org/article/hom...-gay-christian and it did make me feel better about my situation but I guess I am still not convinced that God hasn't condemned homosexuality. I wish it did, I wanted it to resolve the conflict I still feel. I have read most of the articles on this sight and it has helped. My gf isn't a Christian and she doesn't understand what why I feel this way. I would love to go to a church that was affirming of homosexuals and not be too new agy like for me. I believe that Jesus is the son of God and loves me and I need the salvation he provided for me on the cross. Some of my Christian friends are accepting but they are the exception. When and how does a gay Christian come to terms with this conflict?

Slowly and over time Juls. but be patient and open and God will convince you by and by that he loves you just the way you are! Hang in there! It takes along time to rid your system of all the hateful messages that you have been fed for all of your life.

[Juls]

I am so glad I found this web site. I have a gay friend that I grew up with in my same church and he has totally left his Christian beliefs behind him. I don't want to do that.

[nervezapper]

I'm not sure where you are but try a Metropolitan Community Church. From what I have read and heard they are very traditional. you can go to http://www.mccchurch.org/AM/Template...on=Find_an_MCC to find one near you.

[Juls]

I wanted to thank everyone for their support and kind words. I feel like I am making friends here. Today is a really lousy day for me. Without going into all of the details, simply stated I had a fight (again) with my gf and I left the house saying mean things. When I got to a place I could be quite and think and pray I realized than most of the problem that I have in my relationship with her is that I still have so much self loathing. Even though I have been open with most people around me for three years now I still feel so much shame. Why? I ask myself that everyday. When I pray I feel unworthy to speak to God. I have read every article (I think) on this website and believe the words in my head but I don't feel them in my heart. Today I prayed in earnest that I would begin to have some peace. If I don't I don't know what will happen to me. I haven't cried so hard as I am today in a very long time. I am scared that unless I can accept this "thing" that I feel that I am and love myself then my love for her will die and I will push her away even more than I have already. I don't know what I have done to make me not feel Gods love anymore.

[Daniel]

That's the Sufi's thought/said anyway. And I agree with them. You heart may take a while to play catch up with your head.

I remember how hard is was for me for forge ahead when I realized that I was attracted to guys. I cried and cried and cried and cried. And things got better. Slowly. Not in one day. Not in one week. It took awhile. Some good and bad things happened along and the way. And I have to say that the journey is never really over. That self-loathing thing you've got going? You may find that it may have a lot less to do with being gay than is does other things. After all, once the lid is off to self-inquiry, there are all kinds of things to learn about one's self.

My take is that the 'unlove' we've been given along the way can be the very thing that we hold dear. After all, we're used to it. It's our 'normal'. And my sense is that being truly loving to ourselves takes courage and a bit of daring. It means recognizing all sorts of stuff, none-the-least of which may be the aftermentioned 'unlove' of others. And you know what? Instead of blaming them, in the end, we are able to give them the very thing they didn't give us: love.

Gotta give it to yourself first though. That's what I've learned so far.

Hang in there. Things will get better. And there is nothing like an heartfelt apology to one's beloved to help things turn around.

Lastly: are you having any fun? May sounds silly, but havng fun is really healing. May be time to do something outside the box. That always gives one perspective.

[Zerbie]

((( Juls )))

What a terrible way to feel. I'm sorry.

Acknowledge that you feel pretty crummy right now, and at the same, do what is in your power to feel more secure, more at peace. Deliberately cultivate joyfulness and cheerfulness.

I agree with Daniel. A sincere apology to your beloved for the things you said that were hurtful, and lovingly talk things out with her. And definitely have some fun in your life. Do something that will allow you to feel freely flowing joy. Delight. Energy. Maybe go dancing? Or maybe spend some time in nature. Spend some time playing, and practice letting go. Just play.

Then take all those complicated feelings and confused thoughts, and offer them up to God. It's your heart and your sincerity that matter, not having the 'right' answers or doing 'the right things' on the outside. When we offer up those things, like the confusion, the sadness, the self-judgment, etc., God does the rest. There is nothing more for us to do but to show up, and let go.
Allow yourself to be guided from a strong, quiet, peaceful place within. Also accept that it might take some time before you are able to feel your connection to that strong, quiet, peaceful place. That doesn't mean it's gone. Just that you've got a veil on that makes you unable at this moment to feel it. It's still there. That peaceful center is always there. Even when we don't feel it, it IS there.

Focus your attention on something positive, however small a thing it may be. Invite in the most positive, radiant kind of energy you can imagine, and just keep your focus on that beauty, that purity.

[Pablo Rafael]

Hi Juls,

As a person who has just recently "come out" I can understand your feelings. The choice to be honest affects those around. "Coming out" is not something one person does; it affects all the loved ones of that person. In my case it was my mother who has had to go through the proceess with me.

But the hardest and very first person I had to come out to was myself. That homophobic mindset had been fixed in concrete. It was necessary to get rid of that mindset. It seeems from what you have said that you haven't gotten rid of that anti-gay mindset. I would recommend reading "The Children Are Free" by Jeff Miner. It is the best book on the subject of being Christian and gay that I have read.

Ask yourself the question as to why you still haven't cast aside the feelings of guilt. Most people have the guilt because of their religious upbringing. That upbringing told them that being gay was wrong. The churches supposedly got that idea from the Bible. But the Bible never says anything about being gay, nor anything about loving gay relationships. The anti-gay mindset is not Biblical. For me that realization was amazingly liberating.

Also "coming out" to family and friends and coworkers has also been liberating. Having nothing to hide, being myself, is worth the struggle of coming out. I think also that there is a cost to being open about who one is. For me it was the loss of my job and the stress that my mom went through. But my mom has since become a strong supporter of gay rights, and my new job is going quite well.

Feeling guilty about being gay was a choice. I had to deliberately make the choice to not feel guilty. I had to see the love and forgiveness that God gave to me through Christ Jesus. It was only then that I could move on.

Maybe your situation and mine are different. I don't know. But I hope that you find the freedom and peace that I have.

I will keep you in prayer.

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[Gennee]

Welcome to the site, Juls. I agree with Daniel. You shouldn't feel guilty about who you are or about your life. Only you can live your life. Coming out is a very personal matter. One has to feel secure in order to do this. Only when you do would it be a good time to tell your mom.

Gennee

[Juls]

I am back from a visit in Florida to celebrate my oldest daughter's college graduation. I had a lot of time to think about how I feel about being who I am. Since I have been attracted to both sexes all my life I never really called myself gay or a lesbian. I never wanted to put a label on it and have frequently felt that I was afraid to call myself bi-sexual because I saw that as a cop-out for not just coming clean with being a gay. But I can honestly say that I have fallen in love with both sexes. Currently I have a GF and love her very much. I can't see myself ever loving anyone else. I decided recently that it is OK to be bi-sexual and that it isn't a cop-out. I know it isn't a fad or trend for me. I ordered the books that have been recommended, thanks, and look forward to devouring them. I have made a conscience decision to retrain my brain to accept who I am as a creation of God. This business of "choice" comes from ignorance. Everyone's words of encouragement and experiences have given me so much support and has helped me to pursue coming out with a whole new outlook that I can actually do this. Thanks.

[Jennifer5]

Juls,
First of all, a million welcomes to you!

I'm very glad that you have found this site, you will only grow to love it more over time (at least I have)!

You've gotten a lot of wonderful responses from people already!

Here's what I can say on a personal level... and it's completely possible that you may not feel the same way.
I think that being honest with yourself is the most important thing, everything else with feel pointless if you can't first learn to love yourself for who you are.

However, secondly.... What your family doesn't know, when it comes to these type of things, won't hurt them. Although it feels wrong to keep a secret from you loved ones, they won't know the difference. In other words, all I'm saying is- before you tell your mom, you need to make sure that you're ready to do so.

Again- welcome!