Cathy in New York

[Cathyny]

Hi everyone. I have been dealing with discrimination in my liberal, gay affirming Episcopal diocese since 1999. There is a disconnect here where parishioners and clergy tell you the church is welcoming to gay members and then we get treated like second class citizens. I have been denied membership on altar guild because I am openly gay and I was driven from a parish because I was teaching in Sunday school--this along with meetings at that parish about the gay problem where one man told me openly in front of the meeting that he fears for his children with me in Sunday school. After a few years of this nonsense, one helpful priest told me I could go to the suffragen bishop and he would help, that he had helped others. Eventually I did, and he refused to help except to offer to find me a welcoming parish. (In fact, he didn't even return my call and was evasive when I called again a few weeks later and asked why.) I saw that offer to move me as segregation and silencing and did not want it. I finally stopped going to church because I had reached a point of depression and rage.

Most of the clergy I spoke with here about my experiences denied them. I felt like my voice was taken away. My life was actually better without church. Sad, huh? I heard the diocese was going to have a new bishop, so a few months after he started, I emailed him with a detailed description of what I experienced in several parishes and his answer was guess what--to find me a welcoming parish. I tried to explain why that was not acceptable. He felt because his daughter is gay he is coming from the right place. He also felt because the diocese had just established a wonderful and highly publicized program for homeless gay boys that I should feel this was an affirming place. It is a great program, but in a diocese that has treated me and other gays like dirt, it is no more than tokenism.

I am trying to find a way to communicate effectively and make the diocesan leadership accountable enough to take me seriously and face the problems here. I need to find people locally to help me stay even and strong and to provide me with guidance if possible. If you know anyone in Soulforce or one of the other peaceful Christian gay awareness groups around here who can help, please let me know how to get in touch. I have a feeling I will be asked again to meet with the local bishop (I didn't go when he first invited me because I didn't want him to feel he was solving my issues with hugs and a smile), and I don't think I should go alone.

Last week I emailed the presiding bishop of ECUSA, and she sent me an affirming response. It was very encouraging. She said she agreed that sending someone to a safe parish was not enough of an answer and she said we would not consider this an adequate answer to an African American asking for equal dignity. She also said it is my ministry to speak about discrimination. I cannot engage in such a ministry if I have no one else to back me up because clergy and bishops have responded that my views are just my personal opinion and that I have a political, self-serving agenda by speaking up.

Added info: The diocese I am in is the Episcopal Diocese of Long Island. It comprises Queens, Brooklyn, Nassau County and Suffolk County.

Thanks.

Cathy in NY

[Gennee]

Hi Cathy and welcome to Soulforce. I don't know anything about the Episcopalian Church but I pray that you find a place AND a voice. Discrimination needs to be spoken about. You are right to stand your ground.

Gennee

[bnmoore]

I don't know that many churches are going to acknowledge they are participating in the problem even after their pews sit empty. From the amount of denial in the news they're not even looking at themselves. It does seem to be human nature to blame someone else. Many are certainly not even interested in dialog.

A person voting with their feet doesn't make them a quitter. A church's business is serving the entire community of which they are a part. Love is all inclusive.

Goodbye can be said with love and without calling anyone wrong.

[Cathyny]

Hmm, bnmoore, I am trying to understand your post. Are you saying you have left the Christian church completely? Are you saying I should leave without saying the discrimination was wrong? I'm not trying to put words into your mouth, just trying to understand what you are saying.

Thanks.

Cathy in NY

[bnmoore]

Originally Posted by Cathyny

Hmm, bnmoore, I am trying to understand your post. Are you saying you have left the Christian church completely?

A lot of people that call themselves Christians might not call me one. That's okay, I don't believe them either. I attend a non-denominational, multi-faith, Spiritual Center.

Are you saying I should leave without saying the discrimination was wrong?

I got the impression you had already said that discrimination was wrong and had said it to deaf ears and closed minds and hearts.

I'm not trying to put words into your mouth, just trying to understand what you are saying.

How would you interpret Matthew 10:14? Are there any congregants that would stand with you that are happily hetero and don't consider you a trouble maker?

[BruceChris]

But I don't know how you might find them to be. Check this one out:

http://www.welcomingresources.org/usa.htm

Good luck, BruceChris

PS: Katharine Jefferts Schori can be amazing.

[Cathyny]

bnmoore, thanks for your clarifications and sharing more about yourself. You bring forth a gentle light. In answer about Matthew 10:14 I would apply it to this board. If my message does not fall on fertile ground here I will lovingly move on. I know the message is my ministry because every time I walk away from it, God gives me a little while to rest and then pointedly raises it before my eyes again, often through the life of a young person. I will move from town to town, but in my case individual to individual in the church where I was placed and my message will be received where it is received. If I do not do this, I am not answering the call. I have reason to think I am called to this so younger people will not be mentally brutalized in this local community in future years.

Cathy in NY