the things that define us

[Jennifer5]

"The decisions we make define us."

Once in a while these words will haunt me because I realize that I'm not acting like the person that I want to be. I pretend to be a good friend, but sometimes I’m quite the opposite.

Why is it that sometimes something so wrong can feel so right? Why is it that sometimes the lies and the excitement of doing something wrong feels so much better than reality?

I realize that these questions are far too vague, so they may not make sense. I imagine that part of growing up is struggling with these questions; most people just have to deal with them at a much younger age. I will try to explain.

I feel like a have an addiction, not to a substance, but to a feeling. For the shortest time, a weekend in fact, I felt something that was completely new too me, it felt like the beginning of something great. The fact that neither of us wanted anyone to know, made it that much more exciting. For two nights, I felt safety and security in a different way. Than it was over. Not completely over, but over.

It turned me into a crazy person, I still can’t figure out if it’s good or bad. I wanted to get that feeling back and I didn’t really care who it was with, so I messed to do so with one of my girlfriends. I stopped myself before I moved on to my guy friend. My friends understand, so I guess it was all right. I couldn’t recreate that feeling though and I know it’s not something that I will be able to create, it will happen.

It didn’t even go that far, but that feeling was one that I can’t describe. I was never able to explain what happened that weekend. The guy isn’t much for talking, or at least not for talking to me. All I can conclude from what I know about him is that he is far more lost and confused than I am. He has agreed to being friends and he knows how I feel, not on the level that I tried to explain here, but he knows.

I have no idea what I think I’m going to gain from posting this. It’s just one of those things that I wanted to try to explain; too who, I don’t know. Any comments are welcomed. Thank you for listening.

[BrianB]

I think I understand. You had a deep connection to someone that you never had before. It felt so good to be that open with another person that you want the feeling back. Am I on the right track? You are right. It is a rare thing to be that open and vunerable with another person. Cherish those moments. Hopefully they will come again with someone. But you can't force someone to be that open unless they want to be. Recently I had to let go of a close relationship like that. It felt like an amputation. It will heal in time. Did that help?

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by BrianB

I think I understand. You had a deep connection to someone that you never had before. It felt so good to be that open with another person that you want the feeling back. Am I on the right track? You are right. It is a rare thing to be that open and vunerable with another person. Cherish those moments. Hopefully they will come again with someone. But you can't force someone to be that open unless they want to be. Recently I had to let go of a close relationship like that. It felt like an amputation. It will heal in time. Did that help?

Yes, it does, thank you.

I shouldn't have fallen for him so fast. I shouldn't have fallen for him at all. I have no regrets though, it was wrong, but it felt so right.

I know that I can't change the way he feels, which is why I let him know how I feel and asked him to just let me be his friend. Like myself, he's the type to want to just cuddle and watch a movie with someone; I asked if we could do that as friends and he said yes. There is potential for a wonderful friendship.

I'm sorry to hear that you had to let go of something so amazing Brain. I hope that you will be able to find that again soon.

[Jennifer5]

After spending three hours on the phone with this guy about three weeks back I accepted that I really couldn’t have anything with him, not at this point in time anyway. At the end of our conversation I felt a strange relief, I felt loved as a friend and nothing more. I had been away from my friends for three weeks already and he just made me feel better.

I spent a couple weeks after that pretending that I didn't care about him and then I really stopped caring, or so I thought. When I found out that the girl that he told me about was officially his girlfriend I didn't feel so ok about it though. I continued to pretend everything was fine and said that I was happy for him. It wasn't really a lie, I am happy for him; she's a wonderful match for him.

I accepted that he has a girlfriend and I stopped caring about him. Again, so I thought. He is like a horrible, addicting drug. I CANNOT figure out how it all happened and why I feel for him when most people can’t even get my attention.

I saw a young couple in walmart, they were standing next to me and I could hear them talking; he was so much like this guy that it was shocking. When I walked away I had a hard time not getting too upset, but I felt like I was going to start crying.

This reminded me that it was an interaction between two people that I loved so much, it is not necessarily about him. I only told three people about him and I can only really talk to one of them. I don’t like being that person who gets hung up on something so little. I don’t like being that person who can’t let go. Why do these feelings come back?

On a different note, three weeks ago, after my conversation with him other things also changed. There were a lot of things going on in WA that I was trying to help with, while stuck in CA with my grandparents. I was feeling extremely down and useless, I missed my family and friends back home terribly. That night I went numb emotionally, when I woke up the next morning I didn’t feel that attachment to anyone. Only within the last couple of days I have started to feel like myself again, but I’m trying to remain somewhat detached. A couple people have gotten the real me back, for now though, it hurts far too much to give in to my emotions.

~~~~~

Please forgive me for this rant. I have to share with someone and I don't have anyone to talk to right now. If you have advice or anything at all to say I'm all ears.