Hi, I'm Chad..

[chadp81]

Wow, I really don't know how to start this off... I'm 28, I live in a small town in Kentucky (no I'm not a Hillbilly! lol)... anyway, Ive been dealing with feelings of being gay since I was about 15 - 16 I guess, Ive not really came out to anyone, my mom knows, she says she loves me no matter what... My younger brother and his fiance both know, they say that I'm no different to them and they still live me as much as ever. I guess a little background about me is in order, I was raised in a strict orderly home, I have the greatest family anybody could ever dream of, my dad is retired U.S. Army and my mom worked in the medical field. I was also raised in a Southern Baptist church, I love God with every ounce of my being, I wanna serve my Lord in any way he can use me. I graduated from high school and joined the USAF, I was stationed in Germany and I got to experience a lot in Europe, it was total different world for me. My time in the Air Force was the time in my life that I was the farthest away from God. In 2007 I started attending a Non denominational church. I guess that works for a short back ground...

Ive found myself in some pretty embarrassing situations in the past while trying to hide and explore my feelings. I was raised to believe that Gay people were an abomination unto God, and they would burn in hell for their ways.. so being a gay teen in my area wasn't an option. After I got out of the AF I came back here to my town and got a good paying job, but I still had my feelings of being gay. I never have had an attraction to women, yeah, I see some that I think are gorgeous but no REAL attraction to them. I started looking up guys online and emailing them, we started sharing pictures, some PG, some not so PG if you get my drift. My parents always liked to keep tabs on us, even though I was in my 20's my parents still checked up on me. I got "caught" so to speak being Gay on the internet a few times, the last time was the worst, my dad busted my laptop, ant told me I had to move out. He cried for days saying "I cant have a Gay son" and "there has never been a faggot in my family" stuff like that.. I move to Georgia and lived with a sister and her family for about 6 months, then I came back to Kentucky and about 3 months after moving back I was "caught" again, and shortly after I got my own apartment. I promise I'm getting to a point....

Now, Ive been battling depression and feelings of rejection, I'm so tired of trying to be who I "Should" be, but I've been to scared to be who I really am. I want to find love and happiness, I want to hold someone and be held, I wanna wake up with them beside me and know that we are there for each other... I just don't know how to do it! I'm so scared to come out, I would lose most my family, my church, there's too much on the line for me. My family is your typical Southern Right Wing Conservative family, my Church says they wont allow Open gay relationships but they want gays to come to the church so they can "be delivered from Homosexuality, and have those demons cast from them", so you can see its a Lose Lose situation for me. All these things weigh heavy on me... Ive even cried out to God begging him to change me so I wouldn't have to hurt my family anymore, Ive pleaded, begged, prayed, and tried everything I could to get god to "fix" me.... But he hasn't...

Ive read the "What The Bible Says" PDF on here and I really want to believe it! That's more like how Ive always pictured God.. But its hard to see my sexuality as being right when Ive always believed I'll go to hell if I live as a gay man.... I guess I'm just confused and hurting inside... I just cant stand the life I'm living anymore... I want freedom... I want Love... I want acceptance... and I'm looking for another person whose came through this to give me some advice, and let me bend their ear a little....

Can anyone help?

[Daniel]

Hi- I'm Daniel, and have been here on the forum forever. I'm gonna shoot from the hip and tell you what I think based on what you've written.

First things first. You are an adult, and your parents have no business busting you for your internet chats with guys etc. Whatever you do, that should be off limits to your parents. Ok? I mean, how would they feel if you busted in on them in their bedroom in the middle or 'whatever'? Get my drift? So- no more of that stuff. Put a password on your computer when you are at their house. Be smart!

Next. You can have a life with another guy, and if can be pretty wonderful. What is holding you back and giving you nightmares is the thinking you had growing up. Of course, I think you know this. The other thing is the thought that your father is never going to accept you. And that, my friend, is the elephant in the room. Not your being gay, but rather, if you Dad is going to be Ok with you being gay.

Here's the deal. You father doesn't get a choice in the matter. That's the bottom line. You know you are gay, right? Nothing is going to change that. No prayers or hell mary's are going to do a damn bit of good as far as that goes. So- what are you going to do?

You might consider telling your father straight up that you are gay and that he had no business messing with your stuff. And that's just for starters. What I am suggesting here is that you are going to have to declare your independence. That alone may get you some respect. Sure. Your dad may scream and hollar and do all kinds of crazy shit, but that doesn't matter. If you say to him what you want and need to say to him in a low calm and clear voice he will get the picture. You've learned to be a man, so be a man with him. Tell him like it is and don't wimp out.

Tell your dad that you love him even if he can't tell you that. Give to him what you want to hear out of his mouth. This is really important.

Leave the religious stuff aside for right now. The questions you have will begin to be sorted out eventually. You don't have to do it all at once. It takes time! You've got a lot on your plate.

I bet your dad is going to come around eventually. But it's going to take time. You are going to have to be patient with him. You've known you were gay for a while now, and while he may have suspected (parents do you know), it's going to take him a while to get with the program.

Now. Do you have supportive friends? A church? If not, get one ASAP. Contact P-FLag. They can be a HUGE help. What I am saying here is that you need a support system. It's really hard to do this coming out thing alone. So don't be! You need people you can call in the middle of the night.

I've been with the same guy for 15 years. Yes. We've had our ups and downs, but the relationship works. That is just one example out of thousands, if not tens of thousands. Yes- it is possible to wake up with the love of your life and be together a very long time.

To find acceptance you are first going to have to accept yourself. And that is perhaps the biggest thing.

You have good stuff going for you. You mom and siblings love you no matter what. And that is how it should be.

Wrap yourself in love Chad. All is not lost. There are other churches that will welcome you with open arms. Seek them out.

You will find your place, and the man of your dreams. Just keep in mind this: To have a prince you have to be a prince. It may sound silly, but it's true. We really do receive what we give.

Give your dad the love and acceptance you want from him. He may not respond in the way you want him to right now, but eventually, your open heart will make it possible for there to be reconciliation and acceptance.

[chadp81]

Thanks Daniel for being strait forward with me... I guess I need that!

I know I'm an adult, but I guess Ive let my parents keep a leash on me until about a year ago because that's the way I was raised. We were taught to have respect and not question authority. I know that sounds pathetic, especially in this day and age, but my parents wanted us to grow up and be respectful, caring, compassionate people, heck, we were even taught to say "yes sir/ma'am" and "no sir/ma'am, rise when a woman enters or leaves the room, please, thank you, may I be excused, all that Southern Charm business... seems silly, I know... but they haven't been all up in my business since Ive been living in my own apartment.

"Now. Do you have supportive friends? A church? If not, get one ASAP. Contact P-FLag. They can be a HUGE help. What I am saying here is that you need a support system. It's really hard to do this coming out thing alone. So don't be! You need people you can call in the middle of the night."

My church wouldn't support me in coming out, they think being gay is a demonic influence. I live in the "Bible Belt", churches here are very closed minded when it comes to homosexuality, I don't know of 1 church out of our 121 churches in my county that is open to gays. As far as friends go, I think my best friend would be cool with it, we had a weird conversation one day when he asked me what I would think of one of my friends being gay, I told him I would be cool with it and not see them any differently, he said the same, I wonder if he suspects something with me? I don't know if I could tell my other friends about me being gay, most of them go to church with me. What is P-FLAG? and they won't think I'm nuts for handling things the way I have?

"Just keep in mind this: To have a prince you have to be a prince. It may sound silly, but it's true. We really do receive what we give."

I really liked that a lot, and it most certainly doesn't sound silly, I always try to be respectful and just be kind to people, I hate to see people look down on others or tease and harass them, actually the only time I came close to a fight in school was when I went off on a guy for talking down to another less fortunate guy & his sister, it really hurt me when he did that.

Mom said she has suspected that I was gay for a long time, so I'm sure dad has too. His feelings towards gays is that they should ALL be killed, and that AIDS is Gods punishment for the immoral acts they commit. When I can get the balls to tell him, and do, I hope he comes around and lets his love for me as his son overtake the hatred of what I am. My family has always been very close, at this moment, they are my whole world...

This is gonna sound really lame and probably pathetic, but, How do I find my dream guy? I don't have the slightest idea about how to meet decent guys who are wanting a relationship and not just sex. Its sad that I'm 28 and never been kissed, still a virgin (with guys and girls), and never been in love... Ive thought about moving to a big city and trying but I still wouldn't know where to start! I don't have any gay friends who could hook me up with a nice guy... What do I do? Ive never been on a "REAL" date, Ive been fixed up with girls in the past but I had no interest in them and didn't enjoy the dates we went on... does it work the same for a guy?

Ive got some serious self esteem issues to deal with, there's a lot I don't like about myself, but that seems dumb when I think about it. I have this constant fear of rejection... I hate it... I understand that being confident is important when trying to find a date, I just don't know how...

Believe it or not, you've given me a lot to think about, I appreciate it

[Jody]

Gay-Friendly Churches in Kentucky: http://www.gaychurch.org/Find_a_Chur...s_kentucky.htm.

Your Nearest PFLAG - Berea, KY: http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx...d=229&chid=157.

PFLAG stands for Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, and their goal, from its mission statement, is to promote the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and intersex persons − while providing support and information to their families and friends. http://www.pflag.org/

Peace be with you.

[Daniel]

Chad-

I see Jody clued you into Pflag.

Sounds like your friend has an inkling that you are gay. Now. Wouldn't it be a trip if your buddy was also gay and was feeling you out for how you might respond if he told you? Stranger things have happened!

Moving to a city is one way to meet other gay people for the simple reason that there are more of them there. Other than that, there is the internet. I know of many couples who have met that way. If you join one of the gay web sites, I suggest you always meet a potential date in a public space. Of course, there are gay bars, but one has to be aware of the issues around drinking etc.

The thing is this, after you've come out awhile, you will find yourself getting to know other gay people as a matter of course. And then, there is simply the matter of keeping one's eyes open. You can meet a great guy in the checkout line of the supermarket! Heck, I met my guy at the gym. You just never know.

Best I can say on this is: use your intuition. Listen to that little voice.

If you haven't had any sexual experience, I suggest you look into getting your 'shots'. That is, the vaccines for hepatitis, HPV (the vaccine is called Gardisil) etc. You can go to a clinic to get this done. Straight or gay, this what young people should be doing to protect themselves and their partners. It's always better to play it safe! Of course, you will want to learn how to use a condom. It's not rocket science.

I was 28 or so when I came out. So no, I don't think it's pathetic! That said, I wish I could have done it earlier. Why? I missed a lot of good things, like a real adolescence for one thing. Like you, I hardly dated anyone, and the girls I did date...well...it was just really uncomfortable.

You have the balls to tell your dad. The thing is to simply tell him. And of course, keep in mind that your mother may have already spilled the beans. You can't really worry or think about his reaction. In the end, you are doing this for YOU, not for HIM.

Again- and I can't say this enough: give him the love you want from him. If he isn't used to you saying 'Dad I love you' it may come as something of a shock. But that is a good thing.

Know what? After I came out, I had to consciously construct a loving relationship with my parents. They really were clueless. I was the one who ended every phone all with "I love you." You may have to do the same. And this can be hard when we want to hear the words from them. But you know what? There comes a time when we have to parent our parents. And this may be one of those times. We have to come into our own.

It's not for nothing that Freud said that every man has to 'kill' his father. And by this he meant 'become his own man'. And that is what you will be doing by coming out. It may terrify you. And that is Ok. You aren't responsible for your dad's reaction. And if he DOES act badly: let him! Don't try to manage him. See him as a guy who is afraid and clueless.

Here's an idea: write your dad a letter. This can give him time to wrap his head around the idea.

[Jody]

Originally Posted by chadp81

How do I find my dream guy? I don't have the slightest idea about how to meet decent guys who are wanting a relationship and not just sex. I've thought about moving to a big city and trying but I still wouldn't know where to start! I don't have any gay friends who could hook me up with a nice guy... What do I do? Ive never been on a "REAL" date, Ive been fixed up with girls in the past but I had no interest in them and didn't enjoy the dates we went on... does it work the same for a guy?

I actually met (or rather found) my fiancé on facebook while searching for local, datable gays. I sent him a message, we chatted some online, and ended up deciding to meet publicly face-to-face at a local diner where we hit things off before heading back to my place after and sealing the deal with a kiss.

First dates can involve as much or as little as you like. It's all up to you!

And I have one word of advice for you to find someone: Connexion. Connexion.org is a free, social networking service for LGBTs, but it primarily serves as a dating website to find other local members and met up with in person. It might be worth trying out before diving into an online, pay-to-use dating service such as Chemistry.com. You might also find someone at one of the above churches I linked to.

Best of luck!

[chadp81]

"Sounds like your friend has an inkling that you are gay. Now. Wouldn't it be a trip if your buddy was also gay and was feeling you out for how you might respond if he told you? Stranger things have happened!"
Wow, that would be a trip! it would actually be very comforting to me. My Best and I could pass for brothers, we were born close together, him 11/16/81 me 11/19/81, we like the same foods, music, t.v. shows, most of the same movies, we do have some stuff that's different, I'm way more hard headed, he hunts and fishes (that's not me at all!), hes musically talented (he can play like 5 different instruments)... we get along great and we even look similar, same height, he's a bit heavier than me, anyway, what am I doing rambling on about my Best!...

"Of course, there are gay bars..... The thing is this, after you've come out awhile, you will find yourself getting to know other gay people as a matter of course. And then, there is simply the matter of keeping one's eyes open. You can meet a great guy in the checkout line of the supermarket! Heck, I met my guy at the gym. You just never know."
I still wonder if I should move to a bigger city or not, you don't really hear about many gay people coming out in my area, and we don't even have straight bars here, its a Dry county, no clubs either... we have Bingo.. lol Ive thought about the online stuff but like I said, I want a relationship not meaningless sex. I want my first time to be special... Lame, I know...

Wow, meeting "Mr.Right" in the grocery line is kinda cool to think about! I mean, that would be awesome, be struck stupid by love while paying for groceries... I feel stupid.. lol, I keep smiling while I think about that. This gives me some hope!

"If you haven't had any sexual experience, I suggest you look into getting your 'shots'. That is, the vaccines for hepatitis, HPV (the vaccine is called Gardisil) etc. You can go to a clinic to get this done. Straight or gay, this what young people should be doing to protect themselves and their partners. It's always better to play it safe! Of course, you will want to learn how to use a condom. It's not rocket science."
Thanks for telling me that, I'll look into it, but I don't plan on doing anything unless I can play it safe, I don't wanna take any risks. I do know how to use a condom, Ive worn one before, just never used it for intercourse.

I do wanna come out FOR ME, but is it wrong for me to do it if it hurts those closest to me, does that make me selfish? I really like the letter idea, I'll give that some thought...

[Daniel]

Here's how you quote another poster.

http://www.soulforce.org/forums/showthread.php?t=325

Originally Posted by chadp81

I still wonder if I should move to a bigger city or not, you don't really hear about many gay people coming out in my area, and we don't even have straight bars here, its a Dry county, no clubs either... we have Bingo.. lol Ive thought about the online stuff but like I said, I want a relationship not meaningless sex. I want my first time to be special... Lame, I know...

Wow, meeting "Mr.Right" in the grocery line is kinda cool to think about! I mean, that would be awesome, be struck stupid by love while paying for groceries... I feel stupid.. lol, I keep smiling while I think about that. This gives me some hope!

Thanks for telling me that, I'll look into it, but I don't plan on doing anything unless I can play it safe, I don't wanna take any risks. I do know how to use a condom, Ive worn one before, just never used it for intercourse.

I do wanna come out FOR ME, but is it wrong for me to do it if it hurts those closest to me, does that make me selfish? I really like the letter idea, I'll give that some thought...

Back to health matters for a sex: HPV is very common. However, 4 strains that can lead to anal cancer can be transmitted even with condom use (the virus lives in the skin), so the vaccine is a good thing to be getting. It's not cheap! (may be hard to get insurance to pay for it) But it is recently available for gay men. My doc recommends that all young gay men should be getting it.

How is that being yourself hurts someone else? That is the thing to think about. The only thing that hurts is the belief that being gay is somehow bad, awful, sick and sinful. And that is not the case at all.

Those closest to you will be able to really get to know you- the real you- if they choose to. And that is a good thing. However, if they react badly that is no reflection on you. Rather, it is a reflection of their ignorance and misguided beliefs.

[chadp81]

"I actually met (or rather found) my fiancé on facebook while searching for local, datable gays. I sent him a message, we chatted some online, and ended up deciding to meet publicly face-to-face at a local diner where we hit things off before heading back to my place after and sealing the deal with a kiss.

First dates can involve as much or as little as you like. It's all up to you!

And I have one word of advice for you to find someone: Connexion. Connexion.org is a free, social networking service for LGBTs, but it primarily serves as a dating website to find other local members and met up with in person. It might be worth trying out before diving into an online, pay-to-use dating service such as Chemistry.com. You might also find someone at one of the above churches I linked to."

I really appreciate the info you've given me, I checked out the church directory and it looks like the closest church to me is in Berea, Ky, that's about 40 miles from me... That's so great that you found your Fiance on FB, I'm so new to this that Ive been wondering if meeting someone was even possible... I'm gonna check out Connexion... Thank you again for everything!