old Writings Reveal Gender Struggles

[Gennee]

I read through some of my old writings prior to and after I came out. I was a jumble of confusion and longing. I was confused about my gender. At the same time I wanted to break out of my so-called normal existence.

After I came out, I grew into my new identity as a transgender person. I absorbed every experience that came my way. My gender issues stretched as far back as 2000. I didn't know what I was wrestling with at that time. It was much bigger than I imagined. I always believed that we possess both feminine and masculine traits. Why some are equated with one gender and not the other is beyond me. It shows the fallacy of the gender binary system when someone goes against it.

I have changed my belief system many times though my core beliefs are intact. Belief systems aren't as fixed as society would like us to believe. Treating other people as human beings is one of my main beliefs. I don't see how anyone can say that they love all people and mistreat some because of their race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation.

Here it is in 2011 and my life is different in perspective as well as in identity. It is ever evolving and I am happier now more than ever. I am at peace with who I am. Perhaps my transgender identity being revealed to me later in my life makes it all the sweeter.

Gennee

[BrianB]

[Gennee, I label myself as bisexual but that doesn't really cover it. Bisexual is a label most people can understand even if they don't agree with it. What I feel in my heart is that when I'm attracted to someone the reproductive plumbing doesn't matter. It has taken me years to reach that place but like you I am at peace now. BTW, did you have a period of denial? I did. Christians were not supposed to be that way. It took me a long time to realize God created me with all my attractions.

[Victoria]

I have a memory, from when I was around 10, watching a Star Trek Cartoon, where they beamed down to a planet where the civilization was gone, but had made one last attempt to save itself, by making a machine the turned All but One person into Females, and it turned the entire crew into Females, except the most Masculinity Dominant one, Spock =)

And that was the first Real Way I could Express, but only to myself at the time, ~how I felt about me~ ~what I wanted, for my life~, if only it were possible ~sighs~ ...

Since, at the time, I didn't think it was... I chose to be "Spocky"... a nerd who never stopped learning, reading, trying to understand everything I possibly could, about anything and everything I could get my hands on.

Over and Over through the years, I've found ~so many~ different ways of saying, and expressing, that "I'm supposed to be Female!" ... but was always so afraid of being hurt... ~worse~... than I already had been... that I was too afraid to voice it... until I started seeing the therapist I've been seeing for almost 2 years now.

So I've been thinking of sharing more of what I've learned ~for myself~ with forums posts... because I seem to always find ~more~ to learn and understand, when others add ~their~ responses and perspectives regarding things I have to say, even when it's simply in response to what Others say, like in Your thread, Gennee ~hugz~(if ok =)

Thank you for sharing =)

[Gennee]

Originally Posted by Victoria

I have a memory, from when I was around 10, watching a Star Trek Cartoon, where they beamed down to a planet where the civilization was gone, but had made one last attempt to save itself, by making a machine the turned All but One person into Females, and it turned the entire crew into Females, except the most Masculinity Dominant one, Spock =)

And that was the first Real Way I could Express, but only to myself at the time, ~how I felt about me~ ~what I wanted, for my life~, if only it were possible ~sighs~ ...

Since, at the time, I didn't think it was... I chose to be "Spocky"... a nerd who never stopped learning, reading, trying to understand everything I possibly could, about anything and everything I could get my hands on.

Over and Over through the years, I've found ~so many~ different ways of saying, and expressing, that "I'm supposed to be Female!" ... but was always so afraid of being hurt... ~worse~... than I already had been... that I was too afraid to voice it... until I started seeing the therapist I've been seeing for almost 2 years now.

So I've been thinking of sharing more of what I've learned ~for myself~ with forums posts... because I seem to always find ~more~ to learn and understand, when others add ~their~ responses and perspectives regarding things I have to say, even when it's simply in response to what Others say, like in Your thread, Gennee ~hugz~(if ok =)

Thank you for sharing =)

I would love to know more about your experiences, Victoria.

Gennee

[Gennee]

Originally Posted by BrianB

[Gennee, I label myself as bisexual but that doesn't really cover it. Bisexual is a label most people can understand even if they don't agree with it. What I feel in my heart is that when I'm attracted to someone the reproductive plumbing doesn't matter. It has taken me years to reach that place but like you I am at peace now. BTW, did you have a period of denial? I did. Christians were not supposed to be that way. It took me a long time to realize God created me with all my attractions.

Yes, I was in denial for about six or seven weeks. This was between the time of my identity being revealed to me and me accepting myself as transgender. I thought it was a phase but as time passed I saw that it wasn't. When I did accept myself, all the tension and struggle dissipated.

Gennee