Will I ever get over her?

[pnggrad79]

I don't know what to think anymore. I loved this woman for the better part of half my life so far. I don't know if I loved who I wanted her to be, and the stark reality is that she is a narcissistic control freak with avoidance issues, and too demanding and self centered. When I get to missing her I ask myself do I miss all that? Do I miss constantly being made to feel second to everything else she wanted? Do I miss being lied to? Do I miss being told "I will never leave you" and then leaving me 5 times for dumbass reasons? Do I miss her really? Or do I miss what I wanted?

I wanted a love that lasted forever. I know that is a little pie in the sky but I wanted it nonetheless. I thought she meant what she said. I thought she loved me. She said she did, many times, but I guess it wasn't enough. I never could please her. I never could do enough to make her want to stay. But should I have to?

Will I ever get over her? Since she probably was an illusion in my head, I hope that I do. I want to love someone, and I want to be loved. I don't want to be controlled, manipulated, lied to, left, thrown away and discarded. Is that too much to ask?

[Victoria]

I picked up a term somewhere, from a Sci Fi show, and expanded on the idea, for myself.
Neural Clone
We have Neural Clones of ~everyone~ we've ever known, cared about, feared, and even objects, a table, chair, etc... in our minds... in this sense, we have a Neural Copy of Every Single Thing, Object, Beings or even Idea, of what we've been exposed to, in our lives.

These mental constructs can heal us, or harm us... I have one of my Therapist, that I talk to, in a little office in my head, when I can see her, and I'm struggling with something... and she does much the same as in her Actual office... Sits there and lets me bounce ideas off of her, while occasionally putting a little spin on them, and sending them back, so I can think about them a different way... That's a Healing "Clone".

I have had, in the past, Harmful clones... Copies of people who have hurt me and Harmed me that, in a very real sense, have caused me to become ~addicted~ to that hurt... Growing up the way I did, I knew about, and understood, ~Abuse~ far better than I ever did ~Love~, and while these little clones ran around in my head, hurting me further, I continued to keep getting involved in ~similar~ relationships, that continually proved that... "this is all there is, for me". Self-fulfilling Prophecies, while I let people control me, even though they ~really~ only existed, by that time, in my imagination, even after I Physically left them behind.

Another concept that can be related, that's often spoke of in a similar sense, is "Facing your Personal Demons"... but ~any~ kind of demon, only has the power over you, that you, yourself, give it.

It's gonna hurt, you really can't avoid suffering. Trying to do so, only makes it worse... and the ~Worst~ way to "try to avoid suffering" is getting stuck in the mindset, that you're only suffering ~now~ because you ~left~ the situation that, in reality, ~caused~ you suffering, in the first place. That's the addictive behavior you need to overcome. And like all addictions, you're gonna have withdrawals.

Trust that you know she's Poison to you, ~even when~ some parts of you keep Lying and Telling you that you ~Need~ that poison, in order to stop hurting. You made the right choice, a ~courageous~ choice, to end an abusive relationship, whether she initiated the end, or not, it's ~Your~ choice, ~Alone~ to make it the ~Right~ one.

Courage is when you Make, and Keep Making, the Right Choice, no matter how much it hurts, and no matter how much you're afraid. And just trust, until you get there, that when you come out the other side, you're gonna look back, and smile, and wonder, what the Hell ever kept me there, in the first place?

Learn to love ~you~, before you know what loving ~someone else~ is really like.

=)

~V~

[RedneckDyke]

When you've been with somebody for a long time it takes a long time to heal from a breakup. Try not to think of long term stuff like "will i ever". Just try to go day by day. Don't feel guilty about the way you feel. Missing somebody sucks. Take care of yourself first. Do something that YOU really like. Take yourself out. You get to pick the movie and decide what to eat.

[BrianB]

Is it possible that you had a fantasy of what she should be like? Then when she was just herself you felt rejected, disappointed, hurt, deceived? That is what happened with my ex. I had a dream of what she should be like. When she behaved like herself I felt like she had lied to me. Made promises she couldn't keep. Sure, we had many good times; but the bad times started to outweigh the good. My advice is try to remember the good about her and let the rest fade into the past. Time really does make the pain hurt less.

[pnggrad79]

Is it time or just our brains way of shutting out the pain and developing emotional amnesia? I really would like to forget I ever knew her. So much pain, torment, emotional rollercoaster and deception. Victoria, you are right, I need to love me before I can love anyone else. I deserve better than the abuse she dished out.

[Victoria]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

Is it time or just our brains way of shutting out the pain and developing emotional amnesia? I really would like to forget I ever knew her. So much pain, torment, emotional rollercoaster and deception. Victoria, you are right, I need to love me before I can love anyone else. I deserve better than the abuse she dished out.

Telling yourself that is a start... but when you start to doubt that it's true, you start backsliding ~lol~

I had to, for a long time, constantly remind myself of how ~hurtful~ the relationship was to me, how ~abusive~ my wife was... in order to keep myself above the backsliding attempts to go back to her... and it ~hurts even more~ sometimes, to remember that stuff, while blocking out the ~good~ stuff... it's hard, and it hurts, but it's not an impossible task.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, and I hope and pray for you, that it passes soon ~hugz~

~V~

[Victoria]

Originally Posted by BrianB

Is it possible that you had a fantasy of what she should be like? Then when she was just herself you felt rejected, disappointed, hurt, deceived? That is what happened with my ex. I had a dream of what she should be like. When she behaved like herself I felt like she had lied to me. Made promises she couldn't keep. Sure, we had many good times; but the bad times started to outweigh the good. My advice is try to remember the good about her and let the rest fade into the past. Time really does make the pain hurt less.

This, too, fits in with another aspect of my "neural clone" ideas... In different ways, I can see how, in my ~own~ life, I read stories, watch movies, saw other people in loving relationships, and I developed an image in my own mind, of the person ~I~ wanted to be with... and too often, that image I sort of "mapped onto" every person I tried to be with... and ~instead of finding~ such a person, it ends up working ~against~ being able to find such a person...

We end up trying to force people into a mold, of our ~own~ design, and "love" an "object" we've developed inside ourselves, that we can control, define, and limit... rather than love the person who we're ~with~ for ~themselves~, the way ~they~ were made... Selfish love, instead of Open love.

I struggle with this in a similar way, myself, now. Some of my family has this idea in their heads of who I am, who they've ~known~ me to be, because I was always too afraid to tell them before, like about my transgender identities... and, for now, it's somehow easier for them to think I've "just gone crazy" because to ~them~, it's new, and out of nowhere... while, to me, it's fresh, and alive, and has been with me every day of my life...

and I ~want~ to talk to them, and have them talk to me, about this stuff, but they don't want to right now... and it's hard for me to tell where to draw the line of letting them choose for themselves, how to be themselves, and at what point to I stop trying, and simply cut them out of my life... else risk that ~I~ try to push ~my~ ideas of what I want ~them~ to be like... Open and Accepting... from my point of view... but fear of supporting me in a "mental illness" from theirs... How can I tell which is true? And where do I draw the lines in decide what sort of treatment I will tolerate, and how much, before I leave them behind? To me, what they're doing is abusive, and to them, what they're doing is "helping"... which is why I can forgive what they do, to some extent... but it's still hard, sometimes, when I start worrying over much that... maybe they're right...

Still working on it, I guess =P

[pnggrad79]

I hear what you are saying Brian and Victoria, I guess I did create some kind of fantasy of who I wanted them to be. I know I did that with my first husband, he was definitely an illusion I created and when I came face to face with the reality of who he is, I discovered I didn't like him, much less love him.

With her it was different in that I had no prescribed notions of who I wanted her to be. I knew what I was walking into when I got into the relationship. I guess the fantasy was that I wanted her to be happy with just me, because I was happy with just her. I had no other desires. But she wanted to be a successful entrepreneur and make lots of money, and she wanted children. I was ok with both of those projects and sometimes felt they were more important than me. I guess the fantasy was I wanted her to be happy while doing those things, but love me too. I think she didn't see that loving me was going to further her agenda. And she can be very intense when she is thwarted. I think she saw me as a roadblock to her dreams and wishes. Maybe I don't know what the hell I am talking about.

I know after yesterday I really am seeing who she is and that I need to let her go to find whatever it is that makes her happy. Evidently she can't just love me. Evidently, I was spinning my wheels hoping that I would be enough and I wasn't. Never was.

I do love her and hate her at the same time. I need to get over her and move on and let someone love me and me love someone for who they are and not the fantasy I create about it.

I am tired and have spent 31 years trying desperately to mold them into what I wanted and it was a dismal failure. It is real easy to lapse into catastrophic thinking here and my mind is all too ready to do that.

There is a song that Casting Crowns sings called "Voice of Truth"
The chorus goes:

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says do not be afraid
The Voice of Truth says this is for my glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

That song has spoken to me volumes of what I need to hear.

[pnggrad79]

I just can't believe all the lies she told me! I found a card she gave me not long after we "reconciled" that said she appreciated the efforts I was making and to hold on tight and we would have a great life together. She said she loved and adored me. How could she write those things and not mean them? How could she promise me over and over again she wouldn't leave me, and she did? Why?

I just don't get it. Am I dealing with a narcissistic liar who has control issues and commitment phobia? I couldn't look someone in the eye and knowingly tell them something like what she said, and it not be true.

Why do I fall for stupidity like this? Why am I the damn fool who fell in love with her? Moreover, where do I go from her?

I hate this pain, I hate the lies, I hate the way she ran me over and left me to pick up the pieces of my heart ONCE MORE!!!!

[Victoria]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

I just can't believe all the lies she told me! I found a card she gave me not long after we "reconciled" that said she appreciated the efforts I was making and to hold on tight and we would have a great life together. She said she loved and adored me. How could she write those things and not mean them? How could she promise me over and over again she wouldn't leave me, and she did? Why?

I have a deep and abiding faith in God, that I can't give you... but I can give you a perspective on how to look at such things, if you're willing to open your mind a little to the idea.

All the Love in the world comes from God. All the fear and hurt comes from within ourselves... These things she wrote, all the love and truth you saw in them, come from God, and/or the part of her who she might have been, if the world wasn't so frigged up.

All the other stuff, the stuff that hurt, came from with ~her~, from ~her~ own hurt, and, without knowing any other way to express it, she expressed it "on you".

Now it's on ~you~ to take responsibility for what she put on you. It's not you fault, but it is your problem, and you have everything you need to find a solution to it.

She said she loved and adored me. How could she write those things and not mean them?

Regardless of this girls personal issues, God would say that to you, and mean it, if you could hear Him... So... seems to me that's one of the ways He was trying to tell you, knowing the hurt that was coming to you, to remind you, that even though this girl you're hurting for didn't, ~He did, and still does~.

I can say that with certainty because I ~also~ love you, and hurt for you, and with you, because I, too, know how you feel, even if I don't know the exact circumstances, nor have the same details, I know how much, how deeply, and how seemingly lost one can be, trapped in that tiny box, like an Iron Maiden, so that no matter how one tries to move, or escape, or just get a little ~break~ from the pain... there's another spike stabbing into ones heart, mind, and sometimes it feels... into our very ~being~...

but you know there's hope, because you can see some of us, ~outside~ that box, ~past~ the times when we hurt, as you do now... just try to think outside that box, a little at a time, knowing it doesn't last forever.

Love and ~hugz~,

~V~