All about myself.

[AlRubyx]

So I go here. http://www.cedarville.edu/

And please bear with my tangent. I have no idea how you are on cuss words, so... Yeah.

I've known I was gay, at least to some extent, since I was 12, so woot. My parents took care of some foster children for a couple years (From when I was 10 to 12), and completely left me alone to take care of them. These children were really messed up, and the one had a heart and lung transplant. Their parents thought they were going to die, so they let them run around like heathens and gave them no discipline. They both died from drug overdoses, and my mom, because she was friends with them, decided to take care of the children. They were absolute heathens, wrecked all my shit, etc.

Well I started loathing my parents, because they paid no attention to me at all to try and fix these fucked up kids. Well I found the furry community to keep me company in the meantime, hormones raging and all, this was a fairly sexual attraction to the furry community. Naturally, I turned gay, but I can't really say I had a sexuality at all before that considering I didn't know what it was. In the furry community, I found what I needed. Everyone was nice, fairly sexually charged, and willing to help me to feel better. Plus, obviously, I enjoyed the art and the fursuits and stuff. Now, being the innocent little guy I was, I told my mom I was a furry and gay, thinking to all the times when she said she would always love me. To make a long story short she was lying, and so was my dad.

They pulled me from the internet completely, I couldn't talk to my boyfriend, who I'd been "seeing" online for 6 months at that point and wasn't able to tell what happened to me for months. He was effectively my only shred of happiness in my fucked-up 13-year-old eyes. I cried myself to sleep every day for months, and had multiple suicide attempts, in which my parents took me to a psychologist and learned I have extremely severe bipolar disorder; however, they refused to admit it to themselves, still do, and put me on maximum strength stratera (An ADD medication) and maximum strength lexapro (An anti-depressant.) They took me off these meds after about 4 months, because I was an emotionless zombie.

Now, my parents are overly... Uhm... Religious... And misled... And they've both said to me that they'd rather me be dead than gay, if in a moment of heated argument. Dad, however, says it constantly, and loves to lecture me on how I'm going to burn in hell if I keep on this path. I troll the fuck out of him nowadays, making sure he knows how much I enjoy penis and watching him squirm, because I hate him. My parents bounce me between Christian councilors, and every single one I manage to persuade to my views on homosexuality within a few months of twice a week sessions. Soon as the councilors get on my side, I get jerked to another by my parents. I've been to around 10 in my life, since 12.

Now, I've skipped two grades and was home schooled until I was in Sophomore year. I've had multiple official IQ tests given by these councilors and psychologists, and each time I've tested well in the Genius range. When I was in kindergarten my parents did it and I tested 195. Recently I clocked in at 172. I got back-to-back 36s on my ACT. My parents made me take it again after my first, because it wasn't a perfect 36 (Missed a math question.)

I gradually get my internet back, after about 6 months away, and I go back to having my e-boyfriend. Things are fine, I transition to public school from home school. As it turns out, my internet boyfriend found another guy, because he thought I was dead. He e-dated us both for a year without telling us about each other. I found out, cried, forgave him, and the next 2 years was a constant cycle of the exact same, yet he always said he loved me more, even to the other guy. The other guy was just a fascination to him, he said.

Anyways, senior year I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. My parents refused to let me have medication for it, as drugs would just turn me into a zombie again. All the while, I had a terrible time in high school. No one wanted to hang out around the obviously gay kid, and although I denied it until the end of my senior year, I had little to no friends; just the internet and my cheating e-boyfriend, who I learned was e-cheating with about everyone ever, and the friendly furry community.

My parents forced me to attend Cedarville University, though they always say it was completely my decision, and I chose it because I liked the visits. The rule book specifically says that "Homosexual activity, behavior, lifestyle, or promotion of the above" results in an instant 25 demerit kick, high as arson, rape, and felonies, but higher than vandalism, skipping 6-day-a-week mandatory chapel at 10AM every day for 5 weeks straight, and academic dishonesty. Why the hell would I choose to go where I'll be hated?

Recently, I broke up with my cheating boyfriend, who now talks to me every day about how he'd get better if I took him back, then cusses me out when I don't. I did go see him in real life and he was quite sweet, but he lives 5 hours away and refuses to let me stay at his house. He was also a loser with a dead end job and anger management issues, but I digress.

My parents took my car once they suspected I was going to see people that didn't slap me in the face with a bible every second. So now I'm stuck here, trapped in my own mind, my own sexuality, and my own beliefs, surrounded by complete idiots and being told how I'm going to hell, constantly. I've already tried to kill myself multiple times here, but I keep failing.

At the moment, I don't consider myself to be a Christian, just deist. It always makes me feel bad to be forced out of what I believe in my heart to be true, but right now all the people that I've seen show real honest love to me have been non-Christian, and all the people that make me depressed and feel bad about myself have been Christian. If a book all about love causes so much hate, how can it be true? Please help.

[Justmum]

Hello Again,
You left me a message before.Your story is quite a rollercoaster ride and you sound very bitter about it.Are you not taking any medication for your schizophrenia as that sounds quite unwise.You need to get that sorted first before you can make any progress.
I'm sorry if you feel that all christians are unkind to you but I can assure you that not all of us are.Although you are angry at the church you don't need to be angry at God.I hope you get things sorted soon.

[AlRubyx]

No one believes me about it... Just thinks I'm faking it or causing drama. I can't do anything about going to the doctor to get medication until I'm 18. I'm 17.

[Justmum]

I see.My lesbian daughter is about your age (18 this month) but we live in the UK where 16 is the cut off for medical permission from parents.Actually she is being treated for a hormone disorder which affects her moods and I think she needs a psychiatric assessment too, but its all up to her and she can't see the problem. Unfortunately the rest of us have to live with it though!
I also work with quite a few people suffering from psychotic illnesses, so I know quite a bit about that.Are you still in school then?If so isn't there any school assessment of your mental health?In this country we have educational psychologists working with the schools and they assess students and refer where necessary.
Don't forget you are still very young and going through hard times.You are bound to feel unsettled but if you are hearing voices, feeling suicidal or anything like that make sure you get help.
Take care.