My story: From Promiscuity to Peace

[NathanATX]

My story: "From Promiscuity to Peace"

This message is especially intended for those gay & lesbian young people who are reading these boards and are maybe feeling tremendous guilt for their sexuality and/or their sexual behavior. I have shared this same story several different times and I feel this recent reincarnation is particularly poignant. I hope it encourages you and leaves you with a new sense of God's love for you.

Peace, Nate nate@nateblack.us

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I used to be out-of-control, sexually. I'd go out or go to parties and end up sleeping with some random guy... and not even pretending I was going to try and date him. About three years ago, I was starting to feel led to go back to church. I began attending MCC Austin for a few months and going through the spiritual healing I needed... but my behavior hadn't really changed.

Then one weekend I got drunk and hooked up with this guy who was VERY interested in me. He was nice & attractive... but I just wasn't interested in dating him. I didn't return his calls and didn't really think much about him... until I saw him at church a few months later.

During that time, I had been doing a lot of self improvement, therapy, etc., and becoming responsible for my life, my emotional well-being, etc.

When he looked at me at church, I saw the depth of the pain I had caused him. I knew in that moment that I had completely and irresponsibly used him to get off... without any concern for him. I saw how cold and ugly my actions were. And I made a choice to not cause that kind of harm ever again.

Now, I'm not saying that you are causing unfathomable harm to every person you sleep with... In fact, I think two consenting adults can responsibly & safely have sex outside the context of a committed relationship. But what I was doing--personally-- was a) trying to find love & intimacy and b) trying to distract myself from the lonliness I was feeling. I would be drawn to a guy, hook up with him, and then write him off as "not good enough" because he was promiscuous. No guy could ever be trusted. How's that for a vicious circle?

Eventually, I got serious about meeting my emotional needs... through my relationship with God, my family, and friends. I became so. much. more. peaceful. I spent months thinking about who I am, what kind of life I wanted to have, who I wanted to be, the kind of difference I wanted to make in the world... and I committed to making my life happen. I spent a lot of time thinking about what kind of guy would be a good match for me in "my best life."

Now that I was in such a stronger, more peaceful place, it was easy to be responsible for my actions. If I went out with a hot guy who I knew would easily go to bed with me, I was able to make a choice whether that kind of behavior fit into the life I wanted for myself. I was able to be responsible for whether that behavior was loving him and honoring God's love for him. I began to become aware of the needs that other guys were trying to fill by hitting on me... and I was able to shift from "dating mode" to "encouragement mode" when the guy clearly needed someone to reach out to him. In spite of going on lots of dates, I ended up being abstinent for about a year.

I also became more responsible for the things that I was doing that raised the possibility of me violating my integrity... like drinking too much... going to "after hours" parties... etc.

Eventually, I met Robert while attending an introductory weekend at a Methodist seminary. Yes, you read that correctly. I am intending to go to seminary so I can enter full-time, ordained ministry. And while I was in the mode of answering God's call on my life, I met an incredible, loving, HOT, Godly man. We just celebrated seven months together.

Know that God loves you, my friend. Period. End of story. Know that you have everything you need to create your best life. If there is something you are wanting to change in your life, like being too promiscuous, start by knowing what you want your life to look like and sell out to that 100%. Don't judge yourself when you mess up. Get back in the game and recommit. Every time. Surround yourself with people who will honor who you are committed to being. Find a church where you will be accepted as a gay Christian.

Remember. This isn't about you being a horrible person or being doomed to hell for being promiscuous. This is about your awareness that being promiscuous isn't meeting your needs (and/or the needs of others) and isn't supporting the kind of life you really want to have. That's all. No judgement. No condemnation. Only an invitation to become responsible for who you want to be.

Love your life. It's the only one you have.

Peace,
Nate
nate@nateblack.us

[Dan]

Nate,
I think we all have things in our past and/or present that we regret and often in the arena of sexuality. Funny how sex can bring so much pleasure and so much pain. Your message is insightful and compelling. It applies in many ways tothoughts or behaviors that arise from needs that we do not meet in a healthy way. Thanks for your honest sharing. You are going to make a darn good pastor.
Dan