KrazyKat-Dave

[krazykat]

Hi my name is Kat my husbands name is Dave we are in the process of figuring out what to do now that I have told him I am gay. He has finally come to understand what I am going through but it has taken weeks of prayer and tears and talking to get here. We both know that parting is probably in the near future but when we don't know. I am trying to finish school and his job is here. Telling other people our situation in this small mid west town is impossible due to the lack of understanding or narrow mindedness that still exists here. We have been married for almost 27 years. We have two wonderful children one living out west and one in Japan teaching. We haven't told the children yet we are not in the position to do so at this time. Dave is still wondering what his role is and is looking for support for his issues that he has. I have found several sites to help me in my coming out and support in those areas especially the christian sites as I have always been a servant of the lord. My husband is a deeply faithful christian as well and is understanding more each day but we both have tears still at leaving what was not a bad life but for me was a life that was a lie in terms of my sexual orientation. I have never felt any different I have always known I was different and later understood that I was gay. Change of life has brought most of these issues forefront and now we are trying to do the right thing. We are looking for answers since there are always more than one way to answer each situation. We would appreciate any advice from others who have gone through this. Thank you for your support. Kat and Dave

[pnggrad79]

Krazy,
I understand your dilemma. I am 45, was married to a man for 19 years when I realized I was a lesbian, and we divorced. I have two almost grown children. However, I never told my ex I was a lesbian, although, he must know by now. And I didn't come out to my family until last year, so I understand what you must be feeling, or at least part of it.
One of the first books I read when I came out to my family was Stranger At the Gate by Mel White. He went through a similar experience yet to this day has remained really good friends with his ex wife, who by the way, showed extraordinary grace, love and understanding to him during his coming out and through their divorce. They still love each other, and I give the credit to God for his work in both their lives. I highly recommend it for both you and your husband as you work through this difficult situation.
It will take a lot of time, understanding and much grace on your husband's part to get past this, and the same for you. God's grace and peace be upon you.

[krazykat]

I have already ordered Man at the Gate. It was suggested by Anita on the other site. My husband is trying to come to terms with what happens to him now. I know eventually I will be on my own and will move probably back west as that is where my family lives. I have no family here. It has been the most difficult time for us I have felt so guilty for hurting my husband. He has assured me that I have not ruined his life. I wish I had known someone to talk to I am in therapy now for everything depression brought on by to much all at once. Mid life kids leaving losing a sibling, knowing I was gay and didn't have the feelings that I should for my husband it was all too much for me. I have found some support for myself he is feeling all alone as he can't tell his family as he doesn't want to hurt me or cause any more problems for ourselves. He says it is nobody elses business. I have been blessed with a person who cares enough to let me go when the time comes. We just don't know all the right things to do. I have prayed all my entire life for God to deliver me from this but it is who I am and it isn't going away. We both know that. We are praying to God for guidance on how to best do what has to be done. I appreciate your concern and thank you for taking the time to respond. KAT

[ps403]

Kat (and Dave)

Your story touches me SO deeply! Thanks for sharing. Here is something I read on a friend's blog earlier this evening. I hope it will encourage you.

"Courage. We believe this is God's challenge to us in 2006. As humans, it is only natural that we live each day in a tenuous balance between faith and fear. Sometimes faith wins and at other times fear gets the best of us. That's just how it is. Did you know that the most frequent command and/or exhortation in scripture is "Fear not"? It takes courage to have faith. We want to live as people of great faith and that requires great courage. So, let us step into this new year with hearts set to be courageous."

I will pray for you and your husband. Please encourage him to post here. The members of this site are so supportive.

During trying times, I have a favorite quote. "Your greatest struggle will be your greatest victory!" I believe this for you and Dave. You are blessed to have each other. Take heart and "be very couragous." Persist and pursue. You are more than a victor!

God bless!
-Steve (Mel's book, Stranger at the Gate will bless you both)

[SolInvictus]

Dear Kat,
I have faith you will get through this struggle. Being gay/lesbian/bi/transgendered; we often go through "wilderness experiences" but we can and do get through the wilderness. Is it easy? No, but it can make us stronger & allow us to help others w/ problems. Personally, I believe this is our blessings and gift from God: ability to help others by experiencing problems of our own. Peace & Blessings to You.

Be Well & God Bless You All.

[Zerbie]

Hi Kat and Dave,

Welcome - glad you found us.

Have you checked out the Straight Spouses Network? There might be a meetup near you. I assume you have found a local PFLAG? If not, definitely go meet those people - they are SO supportive.

I can almost imagine what you are going through - having dated some men I was not at all attracted to during my "what am I" phase, and then having to break up with one who fell in love with me just as I was coming out, and feeling the need to date women (I'm bi). I remember how guilty I felt then.
I wish you all the strength in the world in sorting through this, however things play out between you and your husband. I hope you will be able to remain friends, but ultimately the two of you will end up wherever you belong if you remain open, communicative, and have faith in the journey. I'm so sorry that you feel so bad right now. But there's no way for you not to at this moment. Let us know if we can help some more! Meanwhile, go do a search on the Straight Spouses Network and find out if they can provide support for you.

Big hugs!

Zerbie

[Jamie McDaniel]

Stories like yours, Kat and Dave, are really moving. I wish there was an easy answer -- or better said an answer that would make things right, yet not bring any pain.

After 27 years, Kat, it seems you have come to the conclusion that you can no longer fight against your natural orientation. I would be willing to bet that you have come to that conclusion before, only to resist and force it to work for the sake of your family.

It is clear that the love you both share is strong. And even though what probably was meant to be a powerful friendship was made into a marriage, good did certainly come from it. You have two children that bring joy to both your lives!

I don't like for long-term relationships to end (or rather change to something different), but there comes a time when one's burden is too much. When we try to be something we're not, our spirits hurt under the load of not being authentic and we end up angry at God, crying out "You told me your yoke was easy and your burden was light! O Lord, this is anything but that!"

I have a friend named Larry who is in his late forties and finds himself in the same situation. He is very smart and it is usually him giving me advice. But when I was talking with him last, and he was trying to work out what to do that would best honor the promises he made, I told him that he could no more force himself to be a heterosexual for the sake of his wife than his wife could force herself to be a man for the sake of her gay husband.

Whether you each eventually find a special person and remarry or walk forward as singles, you both can be happy and healthy people and not be afraid or ashamed to claim your past relationship as part of your unique journey. And you can continue to be an important part in each others life.

Blessings to you both, Kat & Dave. I'm hoping that more folks who have experienced what you're going through will post in this thread.

[Shep]

Hi Kat,
I wanted to send you a little reply to your welcome a few days ago and, well, here Iam, finally. I have never been in your situation as far as a heterosexual marriage so in one sense it is not easy for me to give you advice. I was however, very moved by your story, and I know it must be very difficult especially when there is still love between you and David. I'm sure that when all is said and done that you will still be there for each other (in whatever capacity) even if you live in different parts of the country.
As for me and living with AIDS, well I guess I'm used to it, (not that it's all that pleasant) but life goes on and I'm glad that I'm still around after all these years. Mike and our dogs, well, they are a big help in my staying somewhat healthy, we are a happy family.
By the way before the day is over, let me wish you a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".
My mother's birthday is also today, but she has a few years on you, today she became an octogenarian. But we are about the same age I turned 51 on December 6.
Keep the faith, I'll keep you and David in my prayers.

[Jennifer5]

Yes, Happy Birthday.

[krazykat]

Thanks for all of your replies. It helps knowing your not alone. We are in counseling and trying to come to terms on what to do. I want to go back to CA where I was raised and still have family. I have told my sister and my best friend since high school and they are all ok with my being gay. I was so worried at what they would think when they had thought I was gay anyways. I still haven't told my kids that may come in the near future. I still have to decide whether to end my marriage. It has become a marriage in name only. He is ok with that but I have extreme guilt with it. So I have to face some of my own demons I guess. Thanks again for everything. Jen thanks for the birthday greeting. It was very sweet of you. Kat

[Vanessa White]

I want you to know, that even though I am only now reading this thread, you and your husband are in my prayers. It cannot be easy right now, to face your guilt and feelings of depression, and to feel that it is okay to do what is right for you, and ultimately, right and fair to both of you. We cannot, I believe, truly love others or be with other people until we face the ultimate truth of who we are in our hearts and our whole being. That does not come easy, but to live an untruth, which you have had to do for so many years for your own reasons, is so hard on us emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I cannot personally identify with your situation, but I do believe, that the days will get easier. If you try to hold onto your faith, which does take such great courage, it can get you through anything. I lost my faith for my own reasons many years ago, and it took changing my religion and finding an incredibly great (female) pastor to help my partner and I come back to faith and embrace it. Please, do not lose your faith, and do not be too hard on yourself, you are facing this as best you can, and there will be light to come. PEace to you- Vanessa