A different story

[amy]

Hi. I'm Amy.
I don't have a story like most that I've heard, which is kind of discouraging. I haven't known my whole life that I was gay. In-fact growing up, I would have said that I was the farthest thing from being gay. I was obsessed with boys! But over the past 2 years, I've been realizing that I'm gay. The more I receive and love myself for who I am and let go of shame and guilt, the more I accept that God has created me to become one with another woman. With my conservative Christian background and my over-controlling parents, it has been a hard and pressing time of accepting my sexuality. I am on my own, but my parents still think they are very much involved in my life.
I also live in one of the most homophobic states in the country, Oklahoma that is the "Buckle of the Bible belt." Although I'm at a government funded university, I feel it is very difficult to "come out" to classmates and teachers, especially since I'm an artist who is painting and sculpting (in clay) subject matter dealing with lesbians. It seems like the more I come out, the more I'm hated in my classrooms. The atmosphere is so thick at times, that I can barely stand being in the room, yet my grade depends on whether I stay or leave.
It is a cruel world for a lesbian who is in the beginning stages of acknowledging her sexuality to herself and others.
I'm writing not necessarily to get advice (but it is always welcomed); I'm writing to be heard. Being the youngest of three, I've been seen as the baby of the family and haven't felt like I've been or will be heard. There is only one who I feel like I can be real with (the love of my life, Stephanie).
Thank you for listening.
Amy

[Zerbie]

Gotcha.

You communicate very well - I have a very clear picture of your present environment. When I was just figuring it all out (took me years to acknowledge that I'm bi) I felt much as you do. I was in Texas.

Anyway, I wish you the best in your journey of figuring it all out. Happy that you have a wonderful love of your life!

Welcome to the forum, Amy.

[novaseeker]

Welcome!

You should find this place a good, safe one in which to be heard.

[BruceChris]

I've read both of your posts, and you are asking for help on each post. What I can offer you may be very little. How big is the town that you live in? Do you know any other gay or lesbian people? What other support systems do you have to reach out to? Is there a minister that you could talk to, who would keep a confidence?

When it comes to understanding your life, I have the severe Disadvantage of living in a big city, in Minnesota. I tell ya, the place is CRAWLING with liberals, and liberal Christians, and people who just go around looking for someone to reach out to. I absolutely wouldn't know how to get by in small town in Oklahoma, myself.

I suspect that if you cannot create a good support system, you may have to start thinking about moving. (I know, I'm no help at all).

Peace and Love, for now, Bruce Chris

[amy]

Thanx BruceChris for your observation...I am looking for help or some kind of encouragement. I live in the bible belt... I left a school who made me sign a code against who I am, I left a church who made jokes and put down homosexuals, I now live in a town that is primarily a college town. (very small) I know I'm suppose to graduate here, then my partner and I are moving to California. (We want to go now but it isn't the right time) So you are right, we do need to move. But until I do, I need to find some way to survive. I realized today that forgiveness helps a lot! I realized that if I go around hating all those who hate me...that isn't going to get me anywhere! So I've decided to go on with my life, making sculptures and paintings about who I am (homosexual) and continual to forgive those around me and let go of their accusations.
There is an organization here at the university called SODA (sexual orientation diversity association) I went to it a couple of times. I didn't like it though but I did like the fact that there are a few people who will acknowledge that they are gay. I was disappointed in how few people were at the meeting (like 10 or so out of over 17.000 students in the university). I was even more disappointed how none of them showed any affection (and I went during the end of the semester when everyone was use to each other or suppose to.)
I guess I just want to know that there are others out there that are like me and my partner. Two people who love each other and want to share their lives together not caring what others think or being afraid of hate crimes.
Thanks again for your reply!

[BruceChris]

Does your school have a Women's Studies Dept?

P&L, BC

[Sharone]

Amy,
You aren't alone, Honey. However, what you need to remember is that in more rural areas/Bible belt areas, you are in the smallest minority. My partner and I learned that early on. My dad was a Baptist minister and I grew up in a rural area. By the time I came out, to myself and the world, I was 28 years old! Late bloomer. Anyway, if you need support, definitely come to places like this. It's the best way until you get out of school and can choose where you set up housekeeping. My partner and I moved to New Mexico, which is very gay friendly. However, for the first 12 years of our relationship, we lived in an area that we decidedly less friendly. We just had to hang in there and lean on God and each other.
Take care.

[Daniel]

Welcome Amy! I lived in a conservative town and went to a religiously conservative school- and recall clearly the world you are talking about. It can seem like there is hardly any room to breath, much less move. But I'm grinning form ear to ear knowing that you have combined Art and Life together. Though a musician, I often dream of learning to paint/draw- the classical approach in learning to do that is by way of drawing sculpture, then real life.

One of my favorite places to hang out....where artists often show up to draw.

http://www.metmuseum.org/Works_of_Ar...ent.asp?dep=13

Peace to you.

[sam]

Hi Amy,

I too was raised in a conservative Christian home and lived a straight (and narrow) life for 24 years before I met the love of my life and I realized I was a lesbian. That first year was hell though, I won't try to sugar coat it. My family and friends had a difficult seeing past what in their minds was a glaring sin even though I was still the same person they had loved before.

But I clung to the fact that I shouldn't be ashamed of who I was and who I loved and stayed with my girlfriend. We moved out to California and it is so much better out here! The lesbian culture is thriving and while there is still drama, it's like I can breathe out here. I'm now 27 and while my family is still coming to grips with my sexuality, they are loving towards me and my girlfriend. And I've made friends who love me for me not for who they want me to be and that is very refreshing!

Samantha

[amy]

OH my gosh! That is SO COOL, Sam!!! Your story gives me hope because my girlfriend and I are going to graduate here first then move to California. It is so good to hear that you can breathe there. I actually just found out that there are more gays and lesbians in Oklahoma than I thought. An organization just got a new building, in Tulsa, and my girlfriend is going to job shadow there. The man she talked to said that there is a very high gay community there, they are just closeted. I can't even begin to explain the feeling of relief I have from knowing that. I haven't come out to my conservative christian (narrow minded) parents yet but I have a feeling that is will be very similar to yours.
I can't thank you enough for posting.
Amy

[Sharone]

Amy,
I'm glad you can identify. When I came out to my parents at age 28, they were freaked and it's not been easy, but they are learning to accept things as they are. When my partner and I moved to New Mexico last year, they helped us get into an apt. and were very supportive. They still tow the line at "condoning our relationship", but that's pretty much talk these days. They treat her like any of my brothers' wives. Smile.
Love,
Sharone

[Sokrates]

Hi Amy,

I just wanted to say that I can really relate to the things you've written. Personaly I was, as Sam said, "straight as an arrow" for about 17 years. (Im 18) And it wasnt long ago when I found out myself of being gay. I have to admit I was quite surprised myself, but that blew over after like... two seconds. *Chuckles*

Anyhow, my family has been quite the same as yours. We aren't openly religious or anything like that, heck, my family doesnt even go to church. (Unless there is a funeral, wedding or the like) But, they have always been VERY much against homosexuality. I've been told, for as long as I can remember that homosexuality is wrong, and isnt something 'normal' people are interested in.

Now, I had a really tough time in school, I was bullied alot also I've grown up with an abusive father. Wich sadly, hasnt changed, he dosent hit me anymore, but he still shouts at me and tells me what a failiure of a son I am.

I came out to him and my relatives about 5-6 months ago now, and it really took a load off my chest. Most of my family has been very supportive and tried really hard to accept my sexuality, even my dad. And I thought he was cool with it until a few weeks ago when I went on a date with a guy. He started yelling on the phone and the like, telling me it was just a "phase" and that I was confused.

Anyhow, I strayed WAY away from what I was going to say, and to be honest at this point... I forgot... haha, that happens at times. I guess I just wanted to say that I know how it is (as well as many others) to supress your sexuality and do as the rest of the world just cause people say its the 'normal' way to go and being with someone of the same sex is not.

Until I found myself, I was also very homophobic, wich is just not possible for me to think about at this point. I said bad things about homosexuals and such if I saw someone while I was in town or such, wich I now really regret. But, it was something I was learned as I was young. That, it wasnt wrong to look down on homosexuals, it was the 'right' thing to do.

Well, anyhow, I wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck in life! And if you ever want to contact me and talk or something, just PM me.

Lots of love.

//Christian

PS: Yes, thats my name... and no, Im not christian. *Chuckles*

[NathanATX]

Originally Posted by amy

Thanx BruceChris for your observation...I am looking for help or some kind of encouragement. I live in the bible belt... I left a school who made me sign a code against who I am, I left a church who made jokes and put down homosexuals, I now live in a town that is primarily a college town. (very small) I know I'm suppose to graduate here, then my partner and I are moving to California. (We want to go now but it isn't the right time) So you are right, we do need to move. But until I do, I need to find some way to survive. I realized today that forgiveness helps a lot! I realized that if I go around hating all those who hate me...that isn't going to get me anywhere! So I've decided to go on with my life, making sculptures and paintings about who I am (homosexual) and continual to forgive those around me and let go of their accusations.
There is an organization here at the university called SODA (sexual orientation diversity association) I went to it a couple of times. I didn't like it though but I did like the fact that there are a few people who will acknowledge that they are gay. I was disappointed in how few people were at the meeting (like 10 or so out of over 17.000 students in the university). I was even more disappointed how none of them showed any affection (and I went during the end of the semester when everyone was use to each other or suppose to.)
I guess I just want to know that there are others out there that are like me and my partner. Two people who love each other and want to share their lives together not caring what others think or being afraid of hate crimes.
Thanks again for your reply!

Hi Amy,
I grew up in Tulsa, went to Oral Roberts University and then transferred to Oklahoma State University where I started SODA. I'm sorry your experience wasn't very good at SODA and maybe we can talk about other things you can do to find a "community" in Stillwater. There are MANY allies in Stillwater, I'd be more than happy to talk to you about them as well.

Know that God loves you so much.

Peace,
Nate

www.myspace.com/nathanatx

[Vanessa White]

Hey: I hope that you will find some connections there in Oklahoma, ones that can at least help you feel that there are reasons for you to be where you are, for now at least. It can be very isolating to live in an area where there is not many LGBT people that are visible, and to even say the words is taboo! I hope that you can find support, or seek out support, somewhere near to where you are. Be safe and happy and find lessons in your journey, if you can. Peace, Vanessa

[marutidas]

Namaste amy,

I live in Stigler, OK popualation 3,000 and no less than 15 churches I feel your pain, But know matter where you are there are always good people to be found if you just look. When I first moved here, 2 yrs ago, it was living hell, no friends, no culture, no music, but over time I have found ways of coping, The library, books and internet access, my little slice of heaven, where I met one of my friends Kathleen, one of the librarians.

If you give people the chance to know you are and not care what anyone thinks of you, will get along just fine. Because it boils down to they can be your friend or they won't, and don't get concerned if not everyone likes you. If they want to be your friend then that fine too.

~~~Maruti Das

[superhippy7890]

Hello and welcome! You say that you and your girl friend are going to be moving to California? Maybe I could me you guys someday! Well i hope you situation improves and you find loving and supportive people!