Coming Out

[SolInvictus]

Hey all,
a personal update: my dad learned about my sexual orientation recently. Apparently, when my sister was at his house (parents are divorced) she was talking to mom on the phone about my past boyfriend. My sister told me what happened & my mom said dad also "figured me out" or "connected the dots" to realize it.

I'm not upset about it, strangely. Dad reacted differently than I expected too - he's giving me the "silent treatment" & blaming himself for being a "bad parent." While he wasn't perfect, it has nothing to do w/ my sexual orientation. I tried to tell him its just who I am - but he's not really listening yet.

Thankfully, my mom is supportive & friends too (including y'all here online), and God continues to give me strength. Fortunantly, I have a new full-time job now, and will be able to relocate in a few months to a more "gay friendly" city. I thank God for allowing a quiet peace to be upon me during this interesting time.

Well, just needed to vent, and continue to thank you all for everything. As always, prayers & support are appreciated. Prayer really does work & changes things.

Peace & Blessings Upon You All,
Sol

P.S. To anyone reading this & facing a similar struggle: don't be ashamed of who you are - yes, life is tough, but accepting yourself as you are and faith in God will get you through it. I and many others here are proof of that statement.

[keltic63]

Josh,

I'm glad that it's playing out well for you. I'm sure you realize that it could have gone a different way, given your dad's profession and beliefs. Living an honest life is important, not to mention healthy. I truly believe that it allows God to bless me in ways that I haven't been blessed before.

i too would encourage our brothers and sisters in the closet to come out and live life openly. However, I would ask them to "count the cost." I've recently heard of a young man who came out after graduating from college. He had to spend a few weeks at home before moving to a new city and new job. Those weeks were unbearable for him; extended family took turns "talking" to him, berating him, praying for him, taking him to the pastor for counselling, etc. If you think you could be in for this kind of experience, work to find yourself in a place where you can take care of yourself, or at least find the resources you need if you have to leave family behind.

[Zerbie]

Keltic, your words are very wise. As good as it is to be "out," you have to place your physical AND psychological safety first.

Josh - parents are complicated beings, aren't they? My mom was viciously anti-gay when I was little, and I basically told her at 8 or 9 that I identified with the gay community, so she spent YEARS after that trying to keep me away from gays, to make me wear more skirts, to wear makeup, silly stuff like that. Like it would change my nature in some way to change clothes. And all my friends describe me as "a girly-girl" anyway! Like mom really believed SHE could do something to make me be a certain thing. Parents are responsible for a great deal of how their children relate to the world, so it must be easy to also believe you are responsible for your child's sexual orientation - especially if you believe a gay orientation is a character flaw, a mistake, a response to trauma, etc. I hope your dad will come to a place of deeper understanding where he no longer blames himself. Perhaps in time this experience will enable your dad to really understand what being gay does and does not mean. I'm hoping for the best for both of you.

[SolInvictus]

keltic - amen, you said wise words indeed. Thank you.

Zerbie - as always, thank you for the great advice. I do hope my dad "comes around" and sees the bigger picture - we LGBT are wonderfully diverse & blessed by God! I truly believe we are blessed as we have such guidance and support for those in need of it. I also hope he realizes being gay is not a flaw, but a unique gift.

All - To agree w/ keltic again, living a lie is painful & may end causing more harm than good. Like Zerbie said, psychological & physical support first: you need to be healthy & safe first.

[Rubyfruit Angel]

If I ever decide to (my parents make it impossible to) come out, I'll do it when I move out. By then, I'll be on a bus to Pittsburgh. Away from them and away from whatever they'll say. And I won't visit either.

But I live at home, and I'm the daughter of a preacherman...and preacherwoman...which means that living lies comes with the territory.

[SolInvictus]

Hello rubiefruit,
my father is also a pastor so I completely understand. Wait until the time is right & then decide how to speak to/with your parents. Fortunantly, I have a good job now, and will have my own place soon. Strangely, its as if events happened when they needed to - God works in mysterious ways :-)

My mom disagrees w/ me on the issue of homosexuality, but she supports me nonetheless. This means alot to me, and I hope she will eventually see my sexual orientation is not a choice.

Peace & Blessings to you!

[SolInvictus]

Hey everyone,
your prayers are working ((hugs)). Thanks and please keep it up.
Dad is talking to me again, but he remains "mute" on the gay issue. Its progress...baby steps.

[Vanessa White]

Baby steps are still steps in a forward direction. In the end, your relationship with your dad may be even stronger if you give each other the space that you need. I do hope that his love for you will prevail and open his eyes to the blessing of you as his son, and a son that is being true to how God created him to be. Sol, I firmly believe that all things happen for reasons that may be unknown to us, and I have faith that all will be well and as it should be. Rubyfruit, safety is always best to be our first priority, so I do hope and believe that the day will come to share your true self with your family as well, and even if they have a negative reaction, you may feel stronger to believe in spite of that, you are whole and have worth. Peace to both of you, I will say a prayer for you and all that are in similar circumstances. Vanessa

[schoolboi]

Right after I came out my grandparents really struggled with my sexual orientation. It was heart breaking for me. A wise mother in my local PFLAG chapter gave me this bit of wisdom. She said, “Corey you have had your entire life to deal with this your grandparents have had just a few months to deal with it. It took time for me to accept my daughters too.” That helped me understand the process my grandparents were going through. Now eight years later they are very accepting. Keep hope alive.

[SolInvictus]

Vanessa & schoolboi: thank you very much for your prayers & wise words.
((Big Hugs))

I will try to be patient & wait this "storm" out.

[Vanessa White]

Sol: If you can, keep this in mind, a lyric and title of a song on a new CD by Switchfoot (who I think are just awesome), and the lyric is "The shadow proves the sunshine". I just love the idea of that, and I think about it a great deal, and what I think it says about the good or positive that always exists on the other side of negative. The sunshine after the rain kind of deal. Smile and have faith! Vanessa

[Zerbie]

I am SO happy to hear your dad is talking to you again. He loves you, I'm certain of that. And this is very, very soon for him, you realize! I'm sorry you had to be torn apart at all, but it sounds like your relationship is healing already. Continue to be patient. You can afford to be patient since you know that he loves you, and you love him. As Vanessa says, baby steps are probably the best way to go.

[SolInvictus]

Vanessa & Zerbie: ((Hugs)) Will take your advice & wisdom. Thank you as always.

[NonLemming]

All of these response are REALLY good. The only thing I can add is: give him time. You've known about this for a while, as I did about myself. Your father, if he's like mine, is going to have to see you in a new way. Be there for him. I'm not saying to let him berate you or anything like that. But if he's silent, let him know you're there when he's ready.

I remember feeling like I was a kindergarten teacher when I told my parents about myself. But I had known since about 5 and here I was 26 or so telling them. Your actions will remind them that you are still the same person that they have always loved.

I wish you the best. I came out to my folks about 20 years ago and it was the hardest and best thing I ever did. They have a different take on relationships and we have the deepest friendship since, based on honesty.

[SolInvictus]

Thank you NonLemming - I will do that & give it my best. I really like your quote too, btw.

[NathanATX]

Of course I went through the motions of trying to change my sexuality... that's what everyone told me I should do. I do know I was never 100% convinced they were right and I didn't want to lose their love & acceptance. So I tried to change.

Altar call after altar call.

Accountability partners.

Young men's bible studies.

Pastoral counseling.

Something happened to me that made me stop most of that. I nearly died from a ruptured appendix when I was 20 years old and a student at Oral Roberts University. I had 2 surgeries and lost almost 70lbs.

After being so close to death, I began to evaluate my life. One of the biggest things I realized was that I hadn't really lived authentically up to that point. No one in my family or my circle of friends knew I was gay... or struggling with it at the time. And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I was incredible at building walls around myself.

No one knew who I really was. I didn't even know who I was. I just lived into the image that I thought others wanted to see.

After the surgeries I made a decision to start trying to live authentically. I started being honest about small things, sharing my likes & dislikes. I started questioning various doctrines I grew up with. I stopped trying to pretend I was straight... and ended an engagement with a beautiful woman I met at ORU.

Then I figured the next thing to do was start understanding homosexuality. What does the bible say? What do psychologists say? What do religious leaders say? What do gay rights people say? And I read and read everything I could get my hands on.

And little by little, I started to have peace that this is the way that God made me and that He loves me, just as I am.

And the very last time I ever questioned God on this issue was in November of 1998. I was considering transferring schools and beginning to come out as openly gay. One Sunday afternoon I drove to Oklahoma City, where no one would know me. I looked for a church I could go and as for prayer and I found a small, non-descript, black pentecostal church just as they were starting their Sunday evening service.

Instead of taking communion, I told the deacon I wanted prayer because I think I'm gay. The woman pastor had all the young men of the church come up and lay hands on me. And as they started loudly praying to God and "pushing" me around, as good pentecostals do, I had this amazing vision.

God and Jesus were looking down at me and laughing hysterically... Here I was a gay christian cowboy doing everything I could think of to change who I was... and that night I'm surrounded by all these beautiful black men trying to cast the "demon" of homosexuality out of me. And God and Jesus were just getting a big kick out of it... And then it was like God & Jesus stopped laughing and just looked at me with radiant, loving smiles.

Those eyes...

I knew in that moment, beyond any doubt, that I was perfect... just as I am.

Of course the reactions of the people in my church and family are an entirely different story... a much darker story. But even those wounds are beginning to heal.

Visit my blog for more on this topic & others. I also have some great videos about sexuality & the bible on my blog. http://blog.myspace.com/nathanatx

[keltic63]

Nathan, that's a great story, thanks for sharing it. I was struck by the near-death experience aspect of your journey. I too had tried to be what I thought others wanted me to be. I even married and have 3 kids. The work of maintaining that facade for others nearly killed me. I know that if I hadn't gotten help, if I hadn't come out, that I would not be alive today. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was slowly killing myself (anorexia). When I see pictures of myself from that time in my life, I am shocked. I keep thinking that someone should have intervened. It's amazing what honest living will do for a person!

[SolInvictus]

Wow - Nathan, what an amazing story. Yes, like you, my mom encouraged me to join "change ministries" like LoveWonOut and Exodus Ministries. When I couldn't change: similar accusations were thrown out at me - should have put more effort? gave more effort to changing? I didn't want to change??

After a few months, research, and an UCC church: I was able to find peace with my sexual orientation. God created me this way & I'm happy just as I am :-)

[pnggrad79]

You guys and your stories are heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. It has been a little over a year since I came out to my parents, and after my dad preached to me for over an hour, has not said one word to me about it since. My mother buries her head in the sand and feels like if she never says anything then it isn't true. My sisters routinely condemn and belittle me, but I have become immune to it. It is their problem not mine.

Sol-best of luck to you, I hope dad comes around and will pray for that to happen.
Nate-your journey is inspiring, much like a lot of us coming from churched backgrounds.
Zerbie- stick to your guns.

Ya'll need to read Calling the Rainbow Nation Home by ET Sundby. I met her at Charismatic Conference in Long Beach, CA in Feb. It will warm your heart, give you hope and strength. Also, she is the founder of Gaychurch.org Check it out. Best of luck to each of you, and let's just pray for each other and hold each other up.

[SolInvictus]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

You guys and your stories are heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. It has been a little over a year since I came out to my parents, and after my dad preached to me for over an hour, has not said one word to me about it since. My mother buries her head in the sand and feels like if she never says anything then it isn't true. My sisters routinely condemn and belittle me, but I have become immune to it. It is their problem not mine.

Sol-best of luck to you, I hope dad comes around and will pray for that to happen.
Nate-your journey is inspiring, much like a lot of us coming from churched backgrounds.
Zerbie- stick to your guns.

Ya'll need to read Calling the Rainbow Nation Home by ET Sundby. I met her at Charismatic Conference in Long Beach, CA in Feb. It will warm your heart, give you hope and strength. Also, she is the founder of Gaychurch.org Check it out. Best of luck to each of you, and let's just pray for each other and hold each other up.

Thank you & good advice for all of us ((Hugs)). I'll pray for you & everyone here too & look for the book you mentioned - a great title too: Calling the Rainbow Nation Home. We LGBT are a great Rainbow Nation; gotta love it.

Peace & Blessings,
Sol